Thread by @DrewCoffman

I want to tell you about The Four Agreements. This is a book I read when I was feeling particularly untethered, right after I lost my house to a massive wildfire. It taught me four simple ‘agreements’ that helped me overcome and rebuild.

Now it’s your turn to hear them.

Before we can talk about those agreements we need to talk about rethinking the way you see the world.

You have to understand that ‘reality’ is just a dream.

Though this sounds surreal, it simply means this…

The reality that you experience and the reality that I experience are different. My mind has a way of seeing the world around me, of making assumptions, and of coming to conclusions. Yours does too.

Both ‘realities’ are figments.

Just as you’re not in control of your dreams when you sleep, you’re not in control of the dream you call ‘reality’. You have ceded that control to an internal belief structure we’ll call the ‘Book of Law’.

The Book of Law is everything you’ve been taught from childhood to adulthood (through authority figures like parents or teachers or preachers) which has crystallized into solid truth. You judge yourself and the world according to this ‘book’.

Breaking the rules within your Book of Law feels unthinkable, and most of your biggest fears in life are directly tied to this. Following the Book makes you feel safe, even if you begin to believe a particular Law is wrong.

It takes a lot of courage to challenge these beliefs.

The Book of Law is why it’s important to understand that ‘reality’ is a dream. The Laws you choose to live by are fictional. They FEEL sacrosanct, but they aren’t. You are fully capable of breaking the Laws, and you almost certainly need to.

Your Book of Law is no good.

For many people ‘reality’ feels more like a nightmare than a dream. This happens when the Book of Law is impossible to live by and built largely out of negative emotions like jealousy and loathing. So, its time to break the laws down.

Consider the agreements you’ve made with yourself and others because of your Book of Law. Throw out the ones that are doing more harm than good. As you do so, you should make new agreements — and now we’ve made it to the four the book recommends adopting immediately.

AGREEMENT #1: ALWAYS BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD. Words are so powerful that they can change your life. They are pure magic, one of the most powerful tools of humanity, and sadly also massively misused.

To avoid misusing them, be impeccable.

When you were a child, words were used against you. We all have that thing that someone said to us that we’ve carried with us for our entire lives. “You’re ugly.” “You’re so frustrating.” “You’re smarter than that.” Those words were magic spells cast carelessly.

To be impeccable with your word means more than just ‘don’t lie’, it means to never use words against yourself or others in a careless way. It’s about correcting the power of words and taking control of the dream in which you reside.

AGREEMENT #2: DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY. Remember how we said that you were hurt as a child because someone ‘cast a spell’ of words on you? The reason that it impacted you is because you accepted those words as true.

You shouldn’t have.

In the abstract you can understand that a cruel adult who says a mean thing to a little child shouldn’t be taken seriously. Yet you did. This is the trap of ‘personal importance’. We are taught to see ourselves as responsible for not only our actions but the actions of others.

Everyone thinks they’re the center of the universe. When someone says something hurtful to you it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. So don’t take it personally. Don’t accept the impact of the words. They’re not about you in the first place.

As soon as you learn not to take things personally you become invulnerable to the weapon which will be most commonly used against you. Words no longer have to hurt, simply because you’ve made this agreement with yourself.

AGREEMENT # 3: DON’T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS. So you know not to hurt yourself with your own words or be hurt by the words of others. Now we have to take a look at your beliefs. If you look back on some of the biggest arguments you’ve had, you might find bad assumptions at the root.

We make assumptions about the actions or thoughts of others. We should almost never do this, because as soon as we make an assumption our brain turns the idea into ‘truth’.

It isn’t truth. It’s just a possibility — and it can create emotional poison.

Our brains love to fantasize. Remember how I said ‘reality’ is a dream? Part of why this is true is because of assumptions. You’re more likely to believe what you assume than what is actually fact.

AGREEMENT # 4: ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST. At first you’ll read those words in the condescending tone of a teacher or parent. That is not the way you should read them. In fact, that shows that you aren’t living out the previous agreements just yet!

You have been told to ‘do your best’ ever since you were a child, but this does NOT mean ‘you must do excellent at all times’. Consider your own personal boundaries, remove any judgement you may put on yourself, and offer what you have in that very moment. Don’t strive. Live.

These four agreements, though incredibly simple, can never truly be mastered. We are trained to lie when its useful, to take everything personally, to make assumptions about the past, present, and future, and to strive to achieve above our ability.

No more!

Once you decide to stop living under your Book of Law and commit to only keeping healthy agreements with yourself and others, you’ll move from your old dream into something new.

Today can be the day. May this mindset and these agreements touch you as it touched me, years ago.