Thread by @AlexandraErin

I just ranted this at a guy in my mentions but... this thing with the guy in SF/F.

I... the people don't get it, who are asking "Where's the evidence, where's the allegations? I read the thread and it just sounds like bad relationships."

They are looking for something exciting.

The ones who are speaking in good faith, the ones who aren't just running interference and concern trolling because LOL Feminism Sux... they're looking both for an exciting story and for something exciting to take part in.

"Rooting out abuse!"

I am not even saying the guy's name in this thread and I feel two ways about that but I'm sick of talking about him, I never had so much to say about him before this and so I feel weird saying so much about him now.

But. The thing is.

The thing is, if you want to talk about "banality of evil", this is probably the most utterly banal evil I have witnessed this year. I say and I want it understood absolutely this does not detract from its seriousness... but it is a small and bland and commonplace kind of evil.

The things he did to undercut other people's careers, to isolate and push others out of SF/F, they're things lots of people are doing. (Not a defense! I hope we learn to recognize and reject these things.)

The things he did to the women he was interested in, the women he dated, and likely the women who rejected him... you can go on dozens of internet forums and learn how to do them, from guys who will tell you either "This is how things are." or "This is how things should be."

It's not exciting. This is not exciting times. There is not the scent of blood in the water and the thrill of the chase. We are all very tired and hurt and disappointed.

There are people watching confused at how tired and sad we are, thinking we *must* be a flock of vicious harpies descending with murderous squawks and shrieks, and they look at the sad, tired, hurt threads and wonder "What's even there that got them so worked up?"

And they're asking that because they're afraid that if this vicious pack flock of harpies can turn on someone for such "thin gruel" that they'll be next, but they're also asking because, hey, if there is something to be worked up about, they want in.

Oh, boy. Who was it who pointed out recently that when they talk about emotional abuse they get equivocation and blank stares but as soon as they say "He put his hand on my shoulder." suddenly it's "YOU HAVE MY AXE."?

They want to know if something like that happened... something "real", meaning physical. Something "real", meaning provable. Something "real", meaning men who have not faced this kind of abuse look at it and agree that yes this is beyond the pale.

Because if they can find something "real"... oh, boy. That's the time they get to do the thing. The fun thing. The exciting thing.

"Let's get our evidence in order before we sharpen the pitchforks." is the reasoning of someone who sees pitchforks as the next step.

Righteousness is the name we give to the feeling when you get an amazing dopamine hit out of being absolutely vicious in a way that you can feel good about.

I don't know what sensation is more addictive to the human brain.

And ultimately what these commentators want is a chance to be righteous. They want a righteous hunt and they want a righteous kill.

They don't understand how messy and close in and tangled up the situations we're navigating really are.

They don't understand how tired, disappointed, and hurt we are. And it's not that we're not also angry. And it's not that we don't feel the righteous high sometimes.

But it's not about the high.

I want to say "Nobody set out to ruin anybody's career" except it sure kinds of sounds like *someone* did, if you're listening to what people are saying.

Do you know the secret of the song "You're So Vain"? You know who it's about?

I do.

I'll tell you.

It's about Carly Simon.

It makes reference to someone else, whose identity is either an open secret or hotly contested depending on who you ask (and to be clear, I'm not asking), but the song tells you straight out: it's not about that guy, because quite frankly, fuck that guy.

"I had some dreams; they were clouds in my coffee" is not a line that can possibly be about anybody else. The song is not about the man who walked into the party like he was walking into a yacht. The song is about HER. It's her life, it's her experience.

People made threads about their own experiences, their own lives. How they felt. What happened to them... what was done to them. He wasn't even named, initially! But his pattern of behavior was wide enough and widely known enough that his name came out.

How did things get to that point?

Same reason you don't think anything is "actionable" (what action was demanded, exactly?) now: because it's all so banal, all so drearily commonplace, all so.

Normal.

Ized.

Kind of stuff that when you take it all in isolation, each little thing... well, anybody might do that. Anybody might say that. Maybe he had a bad day. I'm sure he saw it differently. Probably you're letting your emotions color your memory. Oh, I can't imagine him saying that.

And because it wasn't the kind of thing anybody DOES anything about, he was able to do it again and again, until one woman vents about him, again without even naming him, and other people chime in: oh, yeah. HIM.

There was no plan to ruin his life. There's no mob. No flock of harpies. If it seems like the prosecution wasn't prepared for the trial, it's because there's no prosecution and no trial.

If you fart in an elevator, nobody owes you an explanation for why they're moving away, or hitting the button for the next floor and sprinting out the doors.

If you make a habit of it, nobody needs to prove their case for not wanting to take the same car as you.

And what we're talking about isn't just breaking wind, it's not as harmless as that and the consequences have exceeded people not wanting to share an elevator.

(Though, honestly, if you repeatedly did the elevator thing in a professional setting, you might get fired.)

But mostly, as I have said again and again, the consequences - not punishment but consequences - of his actions are simply that people no longer want to stand next to him.

I mean, Jesus Christ. Say it really is nothing more than the guy was a jerk to six girlfriends in a row and said some snotty things abut people and say that this in no way rises to the level of abuse. Say for the sake of the argument we polled the whole planet and we ALL agree.

Do you want to be friends with this guy? Do you want to work with this guy? Do you want this guy's name associated with your work?

Would you warn your female friends about dating him? Would you want the people you care about to know?

https://twitter.com/AlexandraErin/status/1274917076654870533

People are angry but also we are hurt and we are disappointed and we are tired and we are sad.

There is no plan here. There is no mob. There is no court. There is no judge. There is no leader. You cannot ask to speak to the manager of fuck this guy in particular.

I don't want to highlight the comment for trolls but someone just commented that, without even knowing who I'm talking about, this is she and other women went through when they spoke out about the abusive ex they had in common with each other.

That's how common this is.

And if you think I'm being mean and uncharitable for assuming the guys who want there to be more are looking for something to justify pitchforks... consider the other possibility, that they're afraid of what it means if these very common behaviors constitute the Very Bad Thing.

We don't want the pitchforks.

We want this to be recognized for what it is, and we want it to stop.

Because we are tired, and hurt, and disappointed.

Disappointed, but not terribly surprised.

And that, I hope, is all I have to say about the subject for now.

...one more thought to add to this thread. If you are at this moment in time and in relation to this case, more angry than sad or tired, that is incredibly valid. The "we" here is us averaged out over time, knowing that we get tired of having so many things to be angry over.