Thread by @NiceConvos

Today would be a good day to reach out to an EU citizen you know and ask them how they're doing. I can't even begin to tell you how full of worry, sadness and anger my timeline is today. 💔

I might put down a few very random thoughts today and turn this into a not very coherent thread. It's one of those days where the memories just keep flooding in.
One of those days to realise how much this UK government has taken from me and how much it's broken me.

So if you want to mute me or this thread, now's your chance. But I don't want to keep all those many thoughts bottled up as they're just building up and that's not healthy.

Oh and I am not expecting replies.
It's just random mumbling thoughts.
I'm also jumping through time a lot today. It's not a linear time line of events. But memories of what impact it's had on me.

I also needed to remind myself that it's been almost 8 years of pretty much constant worrying now, despite today being only the 4 year anniversary of a vote. But there's so much more to it all. And I still have a major decision to make.

https://twitter.com/NiceConvos/status/1271897005695082497?s=19

I've been single for 6 years now. Almost to the date.
And that was a very conscious decision I made back then, not to date anymore for the time being.
Reading a few tweets this morning on the impact on relationships reminded me very strongly why I made that decision. Still sad 💔

In those years I've become more cynical. More angry. More serious.
The person I was has changed a lot and not necessarily to the better. Being told again and again to your face that you're not welcome and worthless, being denied opportunities, being attacked repeatedly does that.

I often hate how much of my innocent happiness it's stolen from me.

I've also lost a lot of friends over the years. Some were driven away and moved to escape it all.

Some told me they voted so that people like me would finally be shown the door and made to leave. Friends, yeah.

And some good friends I lost forever.

Something within me is less willing to open up to new ones. I keep more people an arm length away from me these days than I did in the past. I know that's not good, but it's really difficult not to. 🤷‍♀️

https://twitter.com/NiceConvos/status/1271567628918808582?s=19

There's also a massive difference between living in England and living in Scotland.
I almost moved to Scotland many many years ago with my then partner who was Scottish. Didn't happen for work reasons, but something in me wishes it would have. It might have changed many things.

I only finally managed to move to Scotland 4 years ago.
Best decision I ever made.
In those last 4 years here in Scotland I've only been confronted once for not being born here.
I stopped counting the amount of times I was attacked when still living in England.
World's apart 💙🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿

I had that connection to Scotland for many years due to my ex partner, always felt close to it. Since living here, I've become even more passionate about it and often wish more people in Scotland would be able to see through my eyes how much of a different country we already are.

And yes, there's lot of good people in England, too. Just sadly also too many idiots voting the xenophobic ones in. And too many right wingers who think it's now ok to hate everyone foreign. And they act on it, which makes life so much harder for those on the receiving end. 😔

I feel much safer in Scotland. I feel much happier here. And much more welcome. 💙

But I am still very much at risk and threatened here, too. 😔
Because of the xenophobes in charge at Westminster.
And no matter what Scotland wants, until we are independent, that risk remains.

There's a massive democratic deficit at play.
No matter what we vote for here in Scotland, until we are independent, we will always get the government England wants.
Scotland didn't want brexit.
Scotland didn't vote for the Tories.
Yet we get both.
Scotland needs independence.

Until we get independence for Scotland, people like me may be kicked out of our homes in 6 months time.
And even those allowed to stay will lose so much.
And Scotland will lose so much, too.
We all lose.
💔😔

And I'm not sure if I'm ready yet for even more loss. 😔💔

Just drowning in so many thoughts today.
I'll take a break for now, but there's so much more just flooding in.
Sorry it's all random, but it is what it is.
Please reach out to those friends of yours and let them know they're not alone. 💙

Just remembered my last texts with a Greek friend from many years ago when we both lived in England. He fled about 3 years ago now, because of Brexit. What a loss for England!

He: I don't understand why you still live in the UK.

Me: because I'm in Scotland and this is home.

And there is so much truth in this. Living in Scotland still gives me a little hope. It's the only reason why I haven't left yet. And this is my home. And I don't want to leave. 💔

It's this all over again.
No matter what I want. No matter what the people in Scotland want. I am being forced to make a decision that means I will lose something. And that's such a difficult decision to make.

https://twitter.com/NiceConvos/status/1274844939927642112?s=19

If I had kids, which I don't and won't (unless I one day give up on my no dating rule and that person comes with kids!), I'd teach how much hope matters in life. It can be a driver for change & give strength. Losing it can be devastating though. So always seek hope in everything.

There is an interesting statistic that EU citizens in Scotland have so far been less likely to apply for the horrible settled status. People often wonder why. To me the explanation is a mix of those last tweets above. A lot of us hope there is another way. But we may give up. 😔

Not giving up on Scotland.
I know Scotland is already a different country to England.
I know Scotland will be independent.
It just may not come soon enough.
And a lot of us, while we have that hope in Scotland, we also have a huge distrust in the UK government. And that's why.

I left the country of my birth many years ago, it isn't home. I still visit, but I am just that, a visitor there. Home is here. Home is Scotland.
I think and dream in English. I often try to remember words in my mother tongue as it's been so long. If I'm forced out, where to? 😔

I know I'm just rambling to myself here.
🤷‍♀️

I've always had wanderlust from a young age! Always loved travelling and exploring places. Saved up and travelled the world. Learned languages. Worked in different countries. Never regretted any moves. Ireland almost felt like home. And may yet again. But Scotland stole my heart.

I think my mum also knew from when I was young that I was leaving one day. I did many school exchanges to France, Italy, England. Work experiences abroad at 16. Explored Australia and New Zealand when I was 17. Backpacked all over Ireland when 18. Studied, then emigrated at 25.

I've spent the majority of my adult life away from the country I was born in. It's obviously shaped me and is part of my past. I still have family & friends there. But it hasn't been home of the adult me for what feels like forever.
That's why brexit hurts on such a deep level.

There's a massive feeling of hurt, but also betrayal. I've given so much, worked, volunteered, loved, lost. And a naive me thought I belonged. So to be told for the last almost 8 years, that I don't belong here, that I should go home, a citizen of nowhere, not welcome here, it 💔

It's not just my own loss that hurts me so much, but that of the future generations.

If I was 25 again now, would I have moved here? No.
Would I have been able to make all the great experiences I did? No.
Would I have found the place I call home? No.
Everyone loses.
For what?

And that's why that happy person I once was is gone. That's why I've become more angry, cynic, lonely. That's why I won't date. I cannot put down roots. I cannot justify burdening another person with having their life threatened by xenophobia. It wouldn't be fair on anyone.

Putting down roots, is such a symbolic expression. But having them pulled up against your will again and again causes more damage that the eye can see. Nature is often more resilient than us humans are. And so many human roots have been damaged or destroyed forever.

I wish I could afford to own a wee house with a piece of land out in the middle of nowhere away from people.
But I can't.
And I won't ever.
Did you know that being an EU citizen has made it a lot harder to be approved for a mortgage the last few years?
Xenophobia decides.

I wish I knew that if I ever had to move away from here, I could always rent a place somewhere else in Scotland, seeing that I can't own a house.
Did you know that renting a property has become much harder for EU citizens over the last few years?
Xenophobia decides.

I wish I knew that I could just apply for jobs and would be judged based solely on my skills and experience.
Did you know that even being considered for a job has become much harder over the last few years if you are an EU citizen?
Xenophobia decides.

I wish I knew that having my own business was still a safe possibility for the future.
Did you know that the Tories tried to ban EU citizens from running or owning businesses, and it only didn't become a law because they called a snap election?
Xenophobia rules.

I wish I knew that my contributions as an unpaid volunteer would always be welcome at least.
Did you know that the same law I mentioned above also wanted to ban us from being directors, including for charities?
Xenophobia decides.

I wish I knew at least my health was in safe hands with our NHS.
Did you know that the Tories are introducing a surcharge for anyone who wasn't born here? That's on top of already having tests refused because of being an EU citizen.
Xenophobia decides.

I wish I knew that at least my pension was safe, no matter what happens.
Did you know that if I was forced to leave and move away, I would have no right to a single penny of any of my contributions I have paid in for many years?
Xenophobia rules.

I wish I knew there was always a social security safety net, based on all my national insurance contributions over many years.
Did you know that the amount of EU citizens who have been deported has steadily risen over the last few years?
Xenophobia decides.

I often wish I didn't know as much as I know. Because I know that once a no deal brexit happens, come the 1st January, no matter what I want, no matter what the people of Scotland want, xenophobia will decide my fate and there isn't anything I can do to feel safe again.

And I have to decide if I give up my principles, my rights, my freedom, or my home. And I don't want to make the decision, because I don't want to give any of them up. But no matter what I'll do. I will lose.
So I'll continue to fight for Scotland's right to self determination.

While my 6 months countdown is ticking more loudly by the day.
And if I don't make it, please continue to believe in Scotland and please have hope. Scotland will be free one day soon. It's just a matter of time. Even if it comes to late for people like me. It'll be worth it. 💙🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿

Also should I not make it for whatever reason: I have a lot of trees which I planted in massive pots instead of the ground, so that they wouldn't get destroyed if I was forced to move again.
Would someone in Scotland promise me to give them a home and allow them to grow roots? 💙

When I had to move away from the last place I lived at, I had to leave all of my plants behind. The fruit trees and bushes hurt the most. And I know they were all destroyed, ripped out of the ground and the garden is now grey concrete. Hence now pots.

https://twitter.com/NiceConvos/status/1275495088924307459?s=19

And just to close the circle, I continued this topic with a new thread about my experiences of the day the brexit results were announced here:

https://twitter.com/NiceConvos/status/1275672149932548096?s=19