So I know this old bloke with a holiday home in Greece. He didn't vote for Brexit but his son is a massive Brexit supporter. The old guy, S., is furious that he will have to deal with new regulations. His son wants to bribe the local mayor. Should I call the police?
I didn't want to get involved but the son is acting crazy. He says we had to get Brexit done to level up and bounce back. Now he's doing press ups in his office. He hasn't brushed his hair for a couple of weeks by the looks of it. I am afraid there might soon be domestic violence
Oh God. The son has put on a hard hat and is pretending to be a construction worker.
S. says he needs to "Covid-proof" the holiday home. I asked him how he plans to do that. He says he has hired a Syrian refugee as a cleaner and asks me if I think this is legal. I'm not sure what to do.
The son says he is under stress because he just had a baby with his third wife, or perhaps not his wife - he's not sure if his divorce has come through. He seems very confused.
I'm taking S. to the pub to calm him down. He says he needs to go to the pub.
He's almost in tears now, saying, "For God's sake don't let them release the Russia report." It makes no sense. I bought him another beer.
"My idiot son has spaffed us all up the wall," he is moaning. "When people find out how much he owes to the oligarchs they will go bonkers. And I'm not even sure I can get permanent residency here."
"I'm not sure I should be involved in this," I say. "You are involved," S. insists, with terror in his eyes. "Fix it!"
I don't know what to do. "Fancy a game of whack-a-mole?" I suggest.
S. called. He wants me to drive him to the airport. "What?" I ask. He only just got here. "I've got to get back to Blighty in time for the pubs opening at 6 am!" he splutters. "Help me, it's an emergency!" "Won't you have to go into quarantine?" I ask. He winks. "We'll see."
It turns out idiot son has a lawyer who sent me a telegram as he doesn't trust phones - he had a bad experience in the 1980s apparently. "Don't let S. leave. Son coming over tonight. He will take charge of negotiations. Over." Do you need to say "over" in a telegram?
"P.S. son is a bit of a dipstick," he adds enigmatically in a second telegram.
I've come under attack from a horde of marmots and may have to interrupt the story temporarily to deal with them. It's disturbing.
