Thread by @sirnucy

CRACKS IN MUSLIM MARRIAGES: THE BANE, THE BAIL

1. It is quite disheartening & embarrassing, the rate at which Muslim marriages crumble these days, most times on frivolous grounds that ordinarily shouldn't have degenerated into such extreme actions.

2. For some time now, I've followed the proceedings in some Customary & High courts; especially on cases of marital abuses. Statistics have shown that more Muslims have filed for divorce over complaints of marital abuses, ranging from lack of feeding & clothing to sex starvation.

3. The amount of dirty marital secrets some couples blow open in court leaves nothing to be desired. Thus, I intend to discuss some of the causes & solutions to this menace based on what I've read in books, what I've witnessed in courts & my firsthand experience as a married man.

4. It is my hope that reading these pieces shall help bring the necessary positive change to every Muslim home that has suffered or is suffering instability. The effects of failed marriage and divorce on the future generation of Muslims is too terrible to imagine.

#EnjoyReading

5. Marriage in Islām is a sacred contract between a man & a woman who, by mutual consent have agreed to live together as spouses. The most important ingredient of an Islamic marriage is the MUTUAL CONSENT between the two contracting parties to live together in peace & harmony.

6. This is the correct interpretation of the words of the Most High:
"فانكحوا ما طاب لكم من النساء"

"Marry of women, those that are good for you... " (Q4:3)

In addition, express permission must be sought & obtained from the lady's father before marriage can be said to be VALID

7. In Q. 4:25, Allāh says:

َفَانْكِحُوهُنَّ بِإِذْنِ أَهْلِهِنَّ وَآتُوهُنَّ أُجُورَهُنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ
 
"Marry them(women) with the permission of their families, & give them their dower with generosity"

Literally, the contexts of these two verses address men alone.

8. This is because the onus to make proposal falls on the men. This is why even in the contemporary society, except on very rare occasions, ladies are hardly seen making marriage proposals to men. What they do at best is to show, albeit reluctantly their crush on men.

9. Notwithstanding however, the Sharī'ah does not relegate or overrule the significance of their freedom of choice & consent to a marriage contract.
عن أبي هريرة أن النبي صلى الله عليه و سلم قال:لا تنكح الأيم حتى تستأمر، ولا تنكح البكر حتى تستأذن. قالوا يا رسول الله وكيف إذنها ؟

10. قال: أن تسكت.متفق عليه.
On the authority of Abū Hurayrah who said that the Prophet ﷺ said: A woman that has been previously married should not be given in marriage until she is consulted, likewise a virgin should not be given in marriage until her permission is sought.

11. The people said, "how is permission like?" He said, "her silence."

وعن عائشةرضي الله عنها قالت:قلت: يا رسول الله يستأمر النساء في أبضاعهن؟ قال  نعم. قلت فإن البكر تستأمر فتستحي فتسكت؟ قال: سكاتها إذنها.متفق عليه.
Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her) asked the Prophet ﷺ

12. " Should women be consulted before marriage? He (pbuh) said, ‘Yes, she should be consulted .’Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her) said, 'But they are shy when asked, and keep quiet.’ He (pbuh)said,' If she remains silent, that is her consent.”

13. عَنْ ابْنِ عَبَّاسٍ:أَنَّ جَارِيَةً بِكْرًا أَتَتِ النَّبِىَّ -صلى الله عليه وسلم- فَذَكَرَتْ أَنَّ أَبَاهَا زَوَّجَهَا وَهِىَ كَارِهَةٌ فَخَيَّرَهَا النَّبِىُّ صلى الله عليه وسلم. رواه أبوداود وابن ماجةوصححها الألباني.
Ibn Abbās married that: "A young virgin girl came to

14. the Prophet ﷺ and told him that her father had married her off and that she was averse [to it]. So, the Prophet ﷺ gave her the choice [of whether or not to remain married].”

15. One of the reasons why Muslim Marriages CRUMBLE is because some parents arrange STRANGE BED FELLOWS for their sons/daughters; disregarding their emotional feelings & choices. Although this is mostly common in rural areas, even some educated & rich parents are guilty of this!

16. This is why 2-3 years into the marriage, some couples are still struggling to find their rhythm. For some, things never improve, & soon, they get irritated & tired & are left with no choice but to bow out of the marriage even before the honeymoon period is over!

17. The Sharī'ah stipulates that suitors should make proper findings about their partners; i.e. background checks on their lineage, character, religiosity, etc to a satisfactory level. Marriage should not be rushed otherwise one may never be healed of the wounds it might bring.

18. Marriage is a person’s private affairs & it is not right for parents to force their son/daughter to marry someone he/she does not like, as that would amount to oppression. In Islām, women (especially) have the right to accept/reject whoever proposes to them/presented to them.

19. Neither her father nor her legal guardian has the right to force her to marry someone she does not want, for marital life cannot be based on coercion and imposition which are in contradiction to the love and mercy that Allāh has placed between man and his wife.

20. Having debunked the myth of FORCED MARRIAGE, which, in our view is a usurpation of one's right to choose who to live with for the rest of one's life, it is necessary to state here that I am NOT advocating courtship which, in MOST cases isn't different from prostitution.

21. Islām forbids Zinā (sexual activities before legal marital bond) in all its ramifications. Some people think that it is until physical penetration occurs between a man & a woman before such can be termed Zinā. This is a wrong notion. Being in seclusion (physical or virtual)

22. with the opposite gender for no justifiable cause is a form of Zinā and is condemned. The objective of the Sharī'ah is to block all the means to evil and uproot it completely. Your claim that you are in a nonsexual courtship does NOT validate or legalize the act. It's ZINĀ

23. Therefore, the need to get to know each other before marriage should not be misunderstood to mean the kind of dating that is commonplace in society today. Questions can be asked from friends, neighbours & relatives. Again, seclusion be it physical or virtual remains HARĀM!

24. The second bane of Muslim marriages in society today is the misconception of the concept of marriage by some Muslim men. Marriage is like a PARTNERSHIP contract & not a FAVOUR. Some assume that by being the FINANCIER of the house, their wives are more or less like parasites

25. that feed on a dead host, without bringing anything to the table. This is a very wrong notion. In marriage, two individuals consent to stake their rights, their lives & their dignity to achieve a common goal. Islām, no doubt gave men the upper executive cum legislative

26. powers in marriage (in terms of their responsibilities towards their wives & children), in order to bring sanity, serenity & decorum to the house. Nevertheless, it did state, very clearly that the rights of women in marriage are similar to those of men.

27. Q. 2:228 reads:
ولهن مثل الذي عليهن بالمعروف
"And they have rights similar to their responsibilities in a just manner."

Naturally, men have this superiority mentality in all affairs. We believe that women must bow to our dictates in all circumstances.

28. It is men's world, we would say. However, in marriage, such egoism should not be allowed to cloud our senses of rationality to the point where we begin to treat our partner and other half (the Prophet ﷺ said النساء شقائق الرجال: women are other halves of men) like trash.

29. In fact, even if they were slaves, didn't Islām advocate that one treats his slaves like one's own blood relations?

عن أبي ذَرٍّ رَضِيَ الله عَنْهُ قَالَ: قال النبيُّ صلى الله عليه وسلم:" إِخْوَانُكُمْ خَوَلُكُمْ، جَعَلَهُمُ اللّه تحْتَ أيْدِيكُمْ. فَمَنْ كَانَ أخُوهُ

30. تَحْتَ يَدِهِ فَلْيُطْعِمْهُ مما يأكُلُ وَلْيُلْبِسْهُ مِما يَلْبَسُ. ولا تُكَلِّفُوهُمْ ما يَغْلِبُهُمْ فإنْ تكلَّفوهُمْ فأعِينُوهُمْ ".
Narrated by Abū Dharr who said: The Prophet ﷺ said:" Your slaves are your brothers & Allāh has put them under your command. So whoever

31. has a brother under him, should feed him of what he eats & dress him of what he wears. Do not ask them to do things beyond their capacity & if you do so, then help them." If this is the dignified manner in which we're to treat our maids, why would anyone degrade his wife?

32. Truth is, some men are traditionally lazy & would always want their wives to do multiple things at the same time, without any consideration for their feminine nature. Some mothers are the architects of this menace. It is the tradition in many homes is that the girl child does

33. most (if not all) of the chores while the boys are allowed excessive freedom to go out & play with friends, This kind of parental training is what has classically conditioned the minds of many men to think their servants are but glorified housemaids may slaves! Terrible!!!

34. Muslim men must understand that respect is reciprocal. The way that some men address their wives, especially in public is pathetic. In addition, it is this SLAVERY mentality that is responsible for almost all of the marital abuse cases I have witnessed in my life.

35. Muslim men must know that their wives have similar stakes in the survival & success of their marriage just like them. Enough of the maltreatment in the name of SUPERIORITY.

The verse الرجال قوامون على النساء
"Men are the protectors and maintainers of women" has a deeper

36. meaning than most people understood it to mean. It is a verse that indicates the value and status of the Muslim woman in the Sharī'ah.

Ask yourself, if someone is put in charge of protecting a thing, which is more precious, the person in charge or the thing?

37. If you hire a driver to maintain your car or a developer to maintain your property, which is more precious to you, your property or the maintainer?

So when Allāh put men in charge of women, it's not to insult or diminish them, but to express how precious they are and why

38. they must be guarded in order to not be destroyed.

It is for this reason that the devout wife who is obedient & dutiful to her husband is promised Jannah.

إذا صلت المرأة خمسها، وصامت شهرها، وحفظت فرجها، وأطاعت زوجها قيل لها: ادخلي الجنة من أي أبواب الجنة شئت

39. “When a woman is punctual on her five daily Salāh,fasts for the month of Ramadān and safeguards her chastity and obeys her husband, it will be said to her (on the day of Judgment): Enter through whichever door of Paradise you wish.”

As a manager, how have you faired?

40. Another problem cracks is the non romantic nature of the husband. Honestly, some Muslim men are bereft of romantic ideas. The term romance, here does not mean sexual activities or any of its precursors. It simply means relating with one's wife affectionately & passionately.

41. It refers to making one's wife feel appreciated & respected. It means squeezing oneself into her life, & breezing life into her loneliness. It means doing together things that some men consider as insignificant & negligible. The Prophet ﷺ was the most romantic husband ever.

42. His close relationship with his wives is absolutely unrivaled. From helping them in doing house chores, to eating with them, to bathing together with them, to racing with Ā'ishah, the Prophet ﷺ brought smiles to the faces of his wives, & succor to their hearts.

43. Let's journey into the life of the noble Prophet ﷺ & how romantic he was.
عن عائشة رضي الله عنها قالت:كنت أشرب وأنا حائض فأناوله النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم فيضع فاه على موضع في فيشرب ، وأتعرق العرق وأنا حائض فأناوله النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم فيضع فاه على موضع فيّ

44. "Ā'ishah said, " When I drink water while in menstruation & hand over the bowl to the Prophet ﷺ, he would drink from the same place which touched my mouth. Also, if I eat a piece of meat & then hand it over to the Prophet ﷺ he would put his mouth in the same place as mine."

45. Moral of the Hadīth:

1. The Prophet ﷺ would usually eat together with his wives. When was the last time you & your wife ate from the same plate?

2. Not even menstruation would make him abandon any of his wives. So, what excuse have you for keeping a distance from her?

46. 3. He would not only exchange cup of water with his wife, he places his lips on the exact place she had placed hers. And when she eats a meat, or a bone, & hands him the remaining piece, he would eat from the exact spot that she had eaten. What a romantinc husband ﷺ!

44. This hadīth, no doubt exposes one of the many flaws in our marriages, & which is a fundamental cause of marital discord. A lot of couples do not know the magical power of eating together, & how it strengthens the bond of affection & understanding of one another.

45. Personally, I have come to realize that eating together has the following benefits:
a. The husbands return home early from work;
b. They are cautious of eating outside;
c. The wives gain full control over their husbands' appetite & taste for food;

46. d. They are likely to always get their husbands' attention and care. This is so because men are extremely weak when either of two things are on the menu: Food & sex.

e. They forever occupy a special place in the heart of their husbands.

47. Whoever is desirous of seeing their marriage work should cultivate the habit of eating from the same plate with their spouse. Everyone should put to practice this Prophetic romance and experience wonders. If it worked for the Prophet ﷺ, it surely would work for you.

48.
عن الأسود قال : سألت عائشة ما كان النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم يصنع في بيته؟ قالت: كان يكون في مهنة أهله ، فإذا حضرت الصلاة يتوضأ ويخرج إلى الصلاة

Al-Aswad reported saying: I asked Ā'isha about the Prophet’s manner in his home? She said, "He was always at the services of

49. his family. When the Salāt approaches, he performs ablution and goes out (to the mosque)."

This is another aspect of marital romance that is elusive in most Muslim marriages. The Prophet ﷺ, in spite of his high spiritual cum political status in society never undermined

50. the magical power of assisting his wives in doing house chores of any kind. In fact, in another narration, Ā'isha explained that the Prophet ﷺ washes & mends his own clothes, cleans his own shoes, milks the ewe, and serves himself. What a man! What a husband!!! ﷺ

51. Today, the only time some husbands assist ther wives in doing anything is perhaps when undressing her to satisfy his horny mood; & once the water of life is discharged, & his will done, he zooms off. I think that two factors are responsible for this:

52. One is cultural, the other is egotistical. Some husbands would sit in the parlour, watching TV, while their wives joggle between the room & kitchen, attending to their babies & cooking. They just sit there, watching the TV, paying NO attention to their crumbling marriage.

53. From a cultural point of view, a Nupeman for instance will tell you that it is somewhat of a taboo to see a man washing plates or clothes while his wife rinses or vice versa. It is a taboo for the husband to be fetching water from a well or tap, while his wife packs it in.

54. It is a taboo to do this, it is a taboo to do that. My Nupe folks such a man is given derogatory nicknames such as #baagirufuta, #baaginancheta, #baagitobi, etc. In Yoruba, such a husband is called #gbewudani. It is believed that he has been jazzed by his wife.

55. As my people would put it, the wife has substituted her husband's cap with her scarf. In fact, it is the mother-in-law that would first raise alarm over the matter. This is why anytime I travel home, and I see the plight of most women in my hometown, I am moved to tears.

56. Our women not only do the house chores alone, a lot of them even work at farms. For instance, after rice harvest, some women revisit the farms to extract the remnants of rice from the residue of chaff. This system is called #eyanmangizhi.

57. It is the worst for of modern enslavement of women because, whatever was gotten from that is used to feed the lazy & idle husbands who are good for nothing other than procreation of children they can hardly train. On one of my recent visits to some villages both in

58. the #bata & #kinti areas of my hometown, I saw firsthand how housewives, because of the extreme enslavement & malnourishment look like mad people or refugees of war. A woman I interviewed told me how she would go out to the farm & return later in the day, tired & exhausted.

59. Yet, the husband would return at night, drunk with a mixture of alcohol & herbal concoction to bang her. What a life! Why is our culture so wicked & inhumane to women? Some men would rather hang out with friends & return home late than assisting their wives in the house.

60. It is also part of stimulating one's romanticism to occasionally take one's wife out on a special treat & spend some quality time together outside the home. There is no better way to rekindle the fire of your fading marriage than treating her to a date away from home.

61. Depending on how financially generous you can be to your wife & how badly you want to resuscitate the reminisce of the good old days. When Allāh commanded men to treat their wives righteously, it did not specify the how, thereby leaving it to the individual's discretion.

62. Sometimes, we get too preoccupied with official works that we tend to forget that that woman who spends most of her time inside the house also needs to catch some fresh breath away from home. Even on weekends, some workaholic husbands will like me still drive to the office to

63. complete some unfinished academic papers for publication or prepare lecture notes or read ahead of a new week. I never realized that I was hurting my marriage so badly by my self-centeredness & insensitivity to my wife's emotional feelings. She is comfortable with it,

64. I thought, after all, she never complained. Unknowing to me, she was sacrificing her happiness for my satisfaction with my work. During that period, I got promoted to the post of Lecturer II, got appointed as Director of Sports, & member of several management committees.

65. But back home, my marriage was fading out...gasping for breath... dying a slow death.... AlhamduliLlāh I realized early & retraced my steps. The rest is history.

Some men obviously do not see the rationale behind taking their wife out on a date. They see it as childishness

66. #nanaoyio (are you an idiot?), retorted one of them when I asked him if he'd ever contemplated such before. The most moderate response I got was more or less sarcastic: where in Lafiagi do you want me to take my wife, one asked? Perhaps, environmental limitations,

67. coupled with fear of what others would say have taken their tolls on those people. My response to him was, are you aware, sir, that the Prophet ﷺ raced with his wife, 'Ā'isha, on two different occasions? It doesn't have to be something elaborate or expensive. Make it simple.

68. Do you know that sometimes, (& this is better done when the kids are not at home or are sleeping) teasing/ tickling your wife, so that she can chase you all around the house helps in stabilizing your marriage? Most times, both of you will end up taking janaabah!😃

69.
عن عائشة رضي الله عنها أنها كانت ترجل النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم وهي حائض ، وهو معتكف في المسجد . وهي في حجرتها : يناولها رأسه
'Ā'isha said "while on menses, I used to comb the hair of Allāh's messenger while he was doing i'tikāf in the mosque. He would bring his head out

70. to my room (the mosque was annexed to his house) and I will comb it."

How many times have you ever asked your wife to comb your hair & select for you what to wear? The Prophet ﷺ married 'Ā'isha when he was over 50 years of age. How could such an old man understand

71. women' s feelings more than you? Aren't you supposed to be more romantic than a man almost twice your age? Do not wait till your dilapidated marriage crumbles before you take action. Revive it now!

72. Excessive communication gap between spouses is one of the fundamental causes of marital discord among Muslim couples. Communication is the cornerstone of a healthy marriage. Some men hardly spend time engaging their wives in physical conversation at home.

73. Islām recognizes the possibility of marital discord & has put in place certain mechanisms to checkmate those excesses before they degenerate into full blown crisis, tearing down the wall of love & affection. In Qur’ān 4:19, husbands were commanded never to hate their wives.

74. وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ فَإِن كَرِهْتُمُوهُنَّ فَعَسَى أَن تَكْرَهُواْ شَيْئاً وَيَجْعَلَ اللّهُ فِيهِ خَيْراً كَثِيراً
“And treat them with kindness; but if you detest them, it may be that you hate something & Allāh has placed therein abundant goodness”

75. In explaining the meaning of the verse above, the noble Prophet ﷺ said: “A believing man should not hate a believing woman. If he dislikes something in her character, he should be pleased with some other trait of hers." What a beautiful statement!

76. Every right thinking man must be gentle & kind to his wife. Being kind includes possessing good & effective communication skills. A husband should be ever ready to open up, as well as listen to his wife. No amount of hatred for one’s wife should make one snub her.

77. A simple communication could solve many problems & save one’s marriage from crashing. In addition, it is absurd for a man to claim that he is the quiet type that hardly talks, hence the incommunicado stance towards his wife. Women are special creatures of Allāh that deserve

78. special treatment. They want us to communicate with them all the time. They want to know how our day went, what happened, everything. No matter how insignificant a discussion is to us, to them, it is important.

79. On a final note, I find it extremely expedient, as a Nupe man to address the issue of YAWO SARAKA (iyawo saara in Yoruba language) that is commonplace among the non elitist groups of my tribesmen. This is an age long practice that dates back to the Era of our ancestors.

80. This crude tradition that seems to be well rooted in our history involves giving one's daughter's hand in marriage to a man, freely, without any dower. As the nomenclature indicates, YAWO SARAKA is a combination of two words: one (YAWO) is Nupe & (SARAKA) صدقة (charity).

81. Put together, it means the practice of giving out a lady as charity. This tradition, without doubt reduces women to the level of a disposable commodity that can be dispensed with by its owner. This assertion is not only crude & cruel, but it also violates the rights of women.

82. Sometime in 2009, a lady whose house is adjacent to our house was dashed out in marriage to a man she has never met in her life. In fact, about 2 days to the Nikāh, she was yet to know who her life partner is. This tradition gives no consideration whatsoever to a woman's

83. emotional feelings &, in most cases that I have seen, the women often suffer excruciating emotional distress & psychological discomfort. The Prophet ﷺ ordered Al-Mughīrah bn Shu'bah who had earlier wooed a lady without looking at her to go and have a look at her.

84. He said to him:
فانظر إليها فإنه أحرى أن يؤدم بينكما
"Go and have a look at her, for such is liable to keep the fire of your love burning."

When the Prophet ﷺ himself intended to take an additional wife, he sent Ummu Salamah (one of his wives) to go and examine the lady.

85. He said to her:
انظري إلى عرقوبها وشمي معاطفها. وفي رواية شمي عوارضها
"Smell her mouth and look at the back of her ankles."

The Ulamā' said:
وليس هذا الحكم مقصورا على الرجل، بل هو ثابت للمرأة أيضا. فلها أن تنظر إلى خاطبها. فإنه يعجبها منه ما يعجبه منها.

86. "This injuction is not binding on the man alone. A lady is also permitted to look at her suitor. That may enable her appreciate in him the same qualities he appreciate in her."

Marriage is a partnership contract. It requires that the two parties study critically and

87. meticulously the terms & conditions of the contract, to forestall future problems. It is our utter disregard for the Sunnah of the noble Prophet ﷺ in order to satisfy some egocentric & selfish interests that has made these ugly marital abuses to flourish.

88. Some may argue that they have seen few of such marriages survive till date without any hitches. Again, I disagree on the following points:

A. The survival of such FORCED MARRIAGES does not confer legality on the act by any standard;

89. B. Such arrangements may only survive where the bride turns herself into a complete housemaid in order not to displease her husband at all. This, in turn imposes a sort of MENTAL SLAVERY on the woman. In the long run, she is likely to suffer DEPRESSION.

90. C. The bride may be seen pretending to be happy, when in the real sense, she is broken inside. Some rich parents coerce their children to marry children of their rich friends for selfish reasons. At the end of the day, many of such marriages never survived the first 2 years.

91. Muslim parents should follow this Hadīth:
إذا أتاكم من ترضون دينه وخلقه فزوجوه وإلا تكن فتنة في الأرض وفساد كبير
When a suitor, whose religiosity & character please you approaches you marry her to him. Otherwise, it may lead to a great tribulation & corruption on the land.