Thread by @sirnucy

1. Once, I was requested to intervene in a marital dispute. The couple are relatively young & their marriage is still very fresh - just about three months old. I met the couple separately, & also talked to some of their closest associates who are well acquainted with the issue.

2. The outcome of my investigation was that their case is as simple as it is complicated. Sadly, not only were the couple so naive in the way that they handled their differences, their case, in fact, is a classical example of the proverbial “too many cooks spoil the broth.”

3. Some of the issues revolve around personal hygiene, lack of discipline & home training, lack of culinary skills, stinginess, wickedness, bad communication, sexual exploitation, etc. In the end, they could not reconcile their differences & both had to go their separate ways.

4. It was an undesirable but unavoidable decision. Their continuous stay together will cause more harm than good. Sadly, she would not be suitable for marriage any time soon as she has to carry her pregnancy through this tumultuous period of emotional and psychological trauma.

5. It is sad that many of us prepare for wedding more than we prepare for marriage. In fact, some do not prepare for marriage at all. All that matters to them are the eru iyawo, pre-wedding shoots, bridal shower, bridal train, aso ebi, event center, gele, makeup, manicure, etc.

6. The most essential ingredients of marriage are never given the least priority. Back in the days, parents, weeks before the wedding would engage her in a marathon of counseling sessions on how to keep her home & make her marriage workable, enjoyable & enviable.

7. Today, many hardly listen to parental sermon on marriage, claiming that they are vastly experienced in how to maintain a home, given the volume of movies that they've watched, lectures that they've heard as well as books & social media posts on marriage that they have read.

8. They picture their kind of Mr Perfect in the head, thinking that what works for Mr & Mrs A must also work for them. They are completely oblivious of the fact that marriage is more practical theory, and that perfect marriage exists only in the virtual world & movies!

9. The best Kayan Mata that a woman can adorn herself with is her character & not sexual prowess. Sexual enjoyments last only for a while. For some men, sex is no different from food. In fact, some would rather eat better food than to have better sex.

10. The enjoyment of sexual intimacy lasts only for a short time. After a while, the sensation & fantasy vanish & you’re all back to the real issues. No matter how monstrous you turn yourself into in the bedroom, a man will only appreciate your beauty

11. and sexual prowess if you’re dutiful, neat, obedient, reserved, chaste, religious, patient, hardworking and, above all good at cooking.

Allāh describes as righteous women, those who are:

فَالصَّالِحَاتُ قَانِتَاتٌ حَافِظَاتٌ لِّلْغَيْبِ بِمَا حَفِظَ اللَّهُ ۚ

12. “So righteous women are devoutly obedient, guarding in [the husband's] absence what Allah would have them guard.” (4:34)

The Messenger of Allāh, may Allāh be pleased with him also describes as the best of women:

إذا نَظَرْتَ إلَيْهَا سَرَّتْكَ ، وإذَا أمَرْتَهَا أطَاعَتْكَ

13. ، وإذَا أقْسَمْتَ عَلَيْهَا أبْرَتْكَ ، وإذَا غِبْتَ عَنْهَا حَفظَتْكَ فِي عِرْضِهَا وَمَالِهَا

“The one who makes him happy when he looks at her, obeys him when he commands her and does not disobey him with regard to herself or her wealth in a way that he dislikes.”

14. Some of the best Kayan Mata that a woman protect her marriage with are:

i. choose wisely
ii. be pious & devout
iii. be protectively jealous
iv. cook him good food
v. be mature & reserved
vi. be productive & innovative;
vii. improve herself intellectually & skillfully

15. viii. be effective in communication (including taking his phones away from him to attain full concentration);
ix. be nice to his families and trusted associates
x. be dutiful & obedient
xi. beautify herself all the time
xii. avoid backbiting and slandering him with friends;

16. xiii. avoid unnecessary nagging & whining;

Charming him with "special package" will only compound & magnify your woes. Every charm has an expiry date, & when it finally expires, & the wool falls off his eyes, he will treat you worse than an animal.

17. Using sex as tool to attract his attention won’t work either. The taste wouldn’t last forever, too. One day, you would exhaust all your skills and he will look out to take on more challenges.

My one kobo advice. Sleep well.