Thread by @dr_lovelee

#DrLoveleeOnLife
On marriage:
I grew up in a home with 2 parents, so my expectations of what a marriage & a family should be were rooted in what I saw growing up.

Add to that, influences from Danielle Steele/ Mills & Boon Novels, Bo&Bilie, Brooke &Ridge on TV, True Love mag etc

With time, growth & experience I was forced to relook at my expectations (actually fantasies to be honest) regarding marriage (romantic relationships in general).

A lot of unlearning was done, usually brought on by pain from trying to force another person to be who they aren’t.

Which brings me to what I wanna discuss:

With so many tools at our disposal, a lot of people (still) enter into relationships w marriage /some type of long term commitment as a goal “without preparation”. Or at the very least with an idea of what else they want besides “a ring”

Some find themselves merely “drifting” into it because “we’ve been together so long / there’s a kid(s) so we might as well”.

Most, like me at age 23 when I got married, have unrealistic “romantic” expectations (fantasies) about how their partner is going to make them happy.

Most envision a smooth happily ever after, all the while knowing “marriage comes w challenges” but hoping against all odds that THEY are lucky ones who are never touched by such.

Why do I say that? Coz when the “sickness, thin, poorer, etc” part of the vows happen it’s “😭⚔️💔”.

So, knowing what we know about relationships “ups &downs”, why is it society only ever want to hear about 1 sided “love lives here” stories &still makes it hard for married ppl to talk about challenges they’ve experienced?

It’s like everyone knows, but dont really want to know🤷🏽‍♀️

A lot of the time people have unrealistic expectations on their partners to be:
-their best friends
-always erotically pleasing &energized to be a sex god/dess
-never frustrated
-always smiling &ready to be the pillar of strength
-etc etc..

Just too much expected from 1 person.

What must happen when reality sets in?
Bearing in mind that forever is a long time (we’re livin longer than our ancestors) to live a fantasy /fairytale life filled w all things nice &
-pleasure without pain
-adventure without boredom
-reliability without risk
-etc.

Reality will set in at some point sooner / later.. because it is hard to live by another person’s expectations forever..

It’s not impossible.. but then with that comes anxiety, depression, resentment, “enduring marriage” and many other unnecessary challenges, etc.

We need to normalize that “working on matters arising” as the relationship progresses is not “married people suffering”.. We need to normalize that overcoming challenges, including infidelity, doesn’t mean the “wronged party” is a 🤡🤡

There’s ppl who overcome infidelity in a healthy manner, where they BOTH acknowledge their part in the infidelity happening regardless of the “guilty party”.

The people who choose to “uncouple” &grow &recouple shouldn’t be seen as “forcing issues”. Uncoupling =/= divorce always

Uncoupling could be total separation, /separation while still living together for ease of life admin (raising kids, life expenses) while they work on themselves individually so they can stop hurting 1 another in the interim.. then recouple when they’ve healed ready &more mature.

People are expected to “grow old together” at the same pace ALL THE TIME.. HOW?

Often couples grow at different paces within the same relationship. Resentment sets in when people feel like the other partner is “not keeping up”, but don’t discuss it.

A lot of people grow apart & are afraid to say.
Some are *lucky enough to find their way back together, but some don’t.

Some have admitted that a divorce was rather hasty, &perhaps they could have worked things out.

(*luck often finds those who choose to work at making it work)

Some (a lot of) times the main reason why the grass isn’t always greener is because the problem isn’t the other person, but “the man in the mirror”; hence there are people who marry & divorce multiple times.

In conclusion:

Indeed relationships have no HOW TO & will differ between couples or whatever situationships.. However, there is 1thing I firmly believe:

Looking to someone for love & to “make you happy” places unnecessary pressure on that person &the relationship inadvertently.

Because that person is going to disappoint at some point in time (innate human nature).

So, we should love ourselves first & foremost, & then let our love overflow into the relationship & be shared.

When we love ourselves (instead of looking to others for love), we’ll always

Do what’s best for us..

Whether that best is to “stay and work on things”, keep growing together AND at individual paces simultaneously..

Or be mature enough to say “hey.. it’s not working”, and let each other go amicably..

(Don’t confuse self-love for selfishness.)

Until next time, be kind to yourself &ur personal person.
Love yourselves, &remember there is not a problem too big for love to heal. & that the solution that love brings will feel right if you don’t judge it based on what you think is expected of you/ both.
#DrLoveleeOnLife❣️✨