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Extracts from the plague diary of Mark ne-Francois-Pepys

July 20th 1665

Up betimes and after Sugar Puffs made with Monster to my office come all the grayte authors, Jeffrey Archer, Jacob Rees-Mogg, Nadine Dorries and Ant Middleton, for my Monday Club book group and we sat

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all the morning sipping Monny and discussing literature and in a change from the solemn weekly reading of Bravo Two Zero by Andy McNabb, we did read my diaries of this recent plague time. Among other things Archer who has literally gone to prison for lying, speaks that

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they are the funniest thing he has ever read; Rees-Mogg, whose recent tome was so comprehensively hung, drawn and quartered by the critics that its brutalised volumes were set on pikes on London Bridge to deter other aspirant grovelists, discoursed

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in his anaemic way that it is one of the grayte contributions to the Western literary canon, Celebrity Big Brother would-be Dorries did commend me a fine cereal quiller and former SAS operative Middleton did scream ‘CHANNEL YOUR FEAR MARK’ before folding his arms against his

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chest and falling calmly backwards out of my ground floor window. To be exalted as an author among such illustrious company! Well I am mighty pleased; that it is no compensation for the losses we have suffered of late, it is an honour the same and with this thought

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occupying my mind I am convinced others should learn of my Patriotism through the reading of it. And so you may, new today, pre-register your interest in acquiring this priceless plague diary by visiting:

marknefrancoispas.co.uk

Cornetto. Bed.
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More from @MarkFrancois12 see all

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Mark ne-Francois-pas MP
@MarkFrancois12
Extracts from the plague diary of Mark ne-Francois-Pepys

July 19th

Up and after a fine breakfast of eggs jingoistic, to Thurrock Roadchef where The Johnson that he never reigns but instead scores, is having daliance with a prettie mayde, and sees I am leading the cabinet

1/8
summer team building; all gathered, I initiate a banging on the Formica tables with plastic food court trays ice-breaker to celebrate our reaching herd impunity, that our venal dissembling and perfidious Albioning has so exhausted the public, we have fart blanche to do as

2/
we wish; a fine thing, but that we have no plan or strategy to enact other than the keeping of our gilded offices, and access to the headed notepaper, pointless. After, I did divide them into two: Team Platinum Rolodex and Team Net Worth, and charge them with the

3/
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Mark ne-Francois-pas MP
@MarkFrancois12
Extracts from the plague diary of Mark ne-Francois-Pepys

July 18th 1665

Up, and after my morning victual of Monster on Sugar Puffs I am called to the Ministry of Patriotism where further redacting this Russia Report, excising all but the most flattering passages:

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Johnson, The

A man for all seasons if those seasons be winter and a man be a frothing self-adulator with portfolio for naught but Epicurean delights. Suffers Latin Tourettes and is utterly compromised in this Russian business. The FSB do codename him 'Boris'

2/
Raab, Demonic

Several undercover etchings are come into circulation of this Raab naked in sweating houses exchanging secretes with Russian operatives. Among other vanities, the State is much concerned this man is collecting deaths head moth’s in his cellar.

3/
Read 11 tweets
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Mark ne-Francois-pas MP
@MarkFrancois12
Extracts from the plague diary of Mark ne-Francois-Pepys

July 17th

Up and after a breakfast of toad in the hole, to the Intelligence and Security Committee and by the way I did find Captain Raab shooting songbirds in the privet, discoursing that The Johnson resolves to

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declare Admiral Grayling legitimate by parachuting him into the ISC chair. So to my business of shredding Russian Reports with Cleverly, and employing my initiative for the first time since that Alton Towers episode, and concerned that the shredded documents become unreadable

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we did photocopy two duplicates for every one destroyed. By and by there is a grayte commotion, that Admiral Grayling having bethought the command to parachute into his new role a literal one, did launch himself from Tower Bridge beneath a canopy

3/
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