Thread by @MarkFrancois12

Extracts from the plague diaries of Mark ne-Francois-Pepys

July 23rd 1665

Up and after a delicious bowl of Reddy Brexit made with Monster, in wanting my Sonic the Hedgehog cycling shorts I found all my lycra so ill creased by Hartley-Brewer that I flung it into

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the boy Bridgen’s chamber pot which made the woman mighty aggrieved; but I must have adequate technical training wear, for a celebrity diarist will be new needing a six-pack for all the dancing, SAS and bug-eating competitions he may be invited on; so I went forth in a pair

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of Captain Gove’s ill-fitting Kappa breeches to a PT session at Ultimate Performance, a company so passionate about improving the human body they are charging us but 250/. an hour to be berated by bleak youths who don’t eat bread, and there admitted I am asked how much

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I am benching at the moment and I did discourse ‘250’ and they spake ‘250?!’, so I spake ‘150’ and they spake ‘150!?’ so I spake ‘50, it goes up and down mate’ and they set me to benching 50 and I am immediately trapped 'neath the barbell, my wind out of me and ribs

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pressed flat, gasping for very life, and brayve Captain Gove does come to my aid but in the manner of my exfiltration is himself pinioned, and that I am mighty exhausted, I decide to leave him and go to Thurrock Services for a Bombay Bad Boy instead where we find the

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kitchen out of bounds that The Johnson did put his oven-ready chips in the range, which not knowing the nature of an oven he has never yet done, and did mighty overbake them and smoke it out, but anon, whilst making my Pot Noodle with the hot tap in the bogs, my ERG militia

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do come in a conga-ing, led by the fearsome Andrea Jenkyns, with the pretty news that as our government has failed to organise a Brextoration trade-deal, we will soon be trading on WTO terms! with all the tariffs, reduced trading, compromised safety standards and

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brokering of an untold number of new trade deals from scratch by a government that has just failed to negotiate the deal that it itself described as the ‘easiest in human history’, that come with it! Monster Munch. Bed.