Thread by @MarkFrancois12

Extracts from the plague diary of Mark ne-Francois-Pepys

August 1st 1665

It being high day and staying too alert after drinking much Monster last night, I up at three to hear of the renewal of lockdown in the North West, the early hours being a prime time to transmit vital

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intelligence, and we hear that Lancashire did make a landgrab in the night, our government new speaking that Dewsbury, Batley and Bradford are now in it, and we are affeared lest simmering Roses tensions rear up, and shirtless Tykes and Lancastrians begin fighting at the

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cricket. This did bring great excitement from my mayde Hartley-Brewer, who in ignoring all consideration of poverty, housing and working conditions, thinks it be because of Muslims, and she did ask Dr Hancock, come for a breakfast parkour on Widdecombe’s 20ft

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roro skip, if we are tip-toeing around the elephant in the room here: that huge swathes of the right wing media really want it to be. That as the majority taken by plague do hail from minorities, it would be mighty convenient to blame them for their own deaths, thus allowing

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us to wash hands, whiles singing the full thirty seconds of Happy Eid-day. Presently to a VE Day Conga reunion and thither by horse to Bournemouth Beach in an effort to top the 500,000 there shitting in Big Mac trays last month, and then abroad to a tavern to sup WKD

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with The Johnson, that we are encouraged to take up pissing wildly at urinals again so that the economy might not collapse, and being of mighty great methods in his politicking and statesmanship, he discourses that his governance is a huge success and woofs ‘Hands Face Space’

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which we think means ‘divert from deaths with distractions’ and after, our deliverer Dr Hancock did preach a Kermitting address from the bar, too good for an ordinary congregation, that lockdown rules are now so clear, should a citizen be so dull as to misunderstand them,

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they may find them displayed next to the hourly cleaning rotas in one in four Toby Carvery gents toilets. So, as a fight between a neighbouring table of Batley Bulldogs and Oldham Roughyeds fans broke out, myself steaming and weary, I ate a Boost and went to bed.

With thanks to @LaureJames for unearthing this superb 17th Century original.