Thread by @MarkFrancois12

Extracts from the plague diary of Mark ne-Francois-Pepys

August 2nd 1665

Up, and after eggs nepotism, to The Johnson about this peerage business, and that his desperation to be loved could never influence his stewardship of our nation, he hath devised a who’s who

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honours list of backscratchers, blackmailers and brothers, and in so doing fends off the tedious Leftwaffe peer-pressure to employ the competent. Firstly, there is prettie news for the dogging community that my good friend Botham hath been so elevated, a grayte coup in these

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exhibitionists’ quest for pubic visibility, that Beefy is the first member of the chamber ever to have tweeted a picture of his own member; and Claire Fox too, another of these self-professed fearless thinkers whose syllogistic inadequacies may be admitted a little, that the

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pressure of always having to be outspoken often undermines the content of what one has to say; and Kate Hoey, my favoured renegado captain of the Brextoration whose valiant triple agent activities do make Kit Marlowe’s espionages as Bean to her Bond: a lifetime

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deep undercover on the Labour benches? Lord! what courage; and we hear another Johnson the brother of The Johnson this Johnson, newly elevated too, and it is all mighty good withal, that in taking the grubby actions we expect of him, our leader plays us like a lute, knowing

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well that the vast majority do not give a turd that his boorish mates new legislate, preferring as they do their Netflix to our politics. And that I asked him not to include myself in this peer to peer friending, that my presence in the chamber would only see starstruck

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colleagues unable to function, I did thank him mightily and all the afternoon together we are drinking Lambrini and Monster and eating pickled onion Monster Munch. Kinder Egg, bed.

With thanks to @sophieplowden for unearthing this treasure from the archive.