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Lights up. Projected on WH is giant MAGA hat. We hear Pump Up The Jam as barking German Shepherds run across the Rose Garden. Ted Nugent appears on WH balcony shredding a solo as Sean Hannity in an American flag tuxedo and top hat escorts Ivanka from the South Portico. (1)
A Horah circle forms with Lindsey Graham, Lou Dobbs, Ted Cruz, and Newt Gingrich. They lift Don Jr. in a chair. F-16s fly over dropping blue ice on poor DC neighborhoods. A giant Confederate flag unfurls as Kid Rock sings "Bawitdaba, da bang, da dang diggy diggy, diggy..." (2)
In a sexy burlesque outfit with long fishnet stockings, Judge Jeanine Pirro dances out on the Front Lawn. She pops a champagne cork. Through a cloud of tear gas a gas masked Trump walks out. We hear The Apprentice theme. Matt Gaetz drops rose petals as Trump heads to podium. (3)
Trump proclaims "I except the RNC abomination to be (unintelligible) States of Frorida." Trump exits on a ramp very slowly.(4)
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More from @jeremynewberger see all

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JeremyNewberger
@jeremynewberger
@realDonaldTrump ...And the water glass was very heavy, twice the weight of a normal water glass, and that's why I had to hoist it up with my other hand, to make sure it didnt fall and break, causing broken glass to hurt one of our troops, which the fake news would love.
@realDonaldTrump ...might be one of the steepest ramps in the history of our country. Many people are saying that not even Evel Knievel would have attempted it as quickly as I did. Sleep Joe Biden would have skidded down the ramp. My strong heels managed it like a champ. I had Bone spurs ya know.
@realDonaldTrump ...I actually was holding up that General down the ramp, who was having a tough time with the ramp. He will write a letter tomorrow confirming or AG Barr will. If I didn't go that slow, my General would have fallen. Some might say I saved him. Purple Heart?
Read 6 tweets
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JeremyNewberger
@jeremynewberger
@MnDPS_MSP Here's a helpful guide for you fellas in the @MNDPS_MSP:

This is a weatherman doing the weather. Don't arrest.
@MnDPS_MSP This is a news anchor doing the news. Don't arrest.
@MnDPS_MSP This is a talk show host. Don't arrest.
Read 4 tweets
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JeremyNewberger
@jeremynewberger
You stupid motherfuckers wanted to build a gigantic 500 mile border wall to stop imaginary caravans of evil Mexican gangs heading to kill you, but you can't hang back from Applebee's and Equinox for a few months to stop a fucking pandemic from killing 140,000 people?
You screamed that Obama's plan for universal health care was communism, socialism, and fascism, putting grandma and grandpa in front of a death squad, but when grandma and grandpa are actually in trouble of suffocating it's cool cause some jackass on Fox is calling them warriors?
You dressed like fucking Minutemen for 8 years, carrying old flags, screaming about tyranny, but as soon as some loud mouth reality tv host tells you lies, sells you fake cures and gives you free money, the revolution is over, and you're content to just put on a red cap and die?
Read 5 tweets

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