Thread by @mynamesnotgordy

What I learnt on the Twitter this week:

1. Kenney & LaGrange hire Grampa Simpson to officially wave his fist at clouds shaped like critical thinking skills and un-Albertan thinking.
2. In strong response to Trump's 10% tariff on Canadian goods Doug starts eating Ontario peaches.

3. G-G Payette spends $250K tax dollars to staff official residence she doesn't use. Insider says staff is necessary to greet and clean up after Airbnb guests.
4. Poilievre outraged that, after the economy opened on a Tuesday, 100% of Canadians were not back at work on Wednesday.

5. On Tuesday Lecce states Ontario's back-to-school plan is the best in the country. Wednesday he says it's the best in all the major provinces. On Thursday he says the plan is a living document. On Friday he says the cover graphics on his plan are better than on Alberta's plan.

6. Alberta's Education Reform panel Chair says Alberta's future is in used car sales, so curriculum must be simplified so AB's Issue Managers can help their kids with homework.
7. Brock W. Harrison refers to reading comprehension and critical thinking skills as "kooky garbage."

8. Trudeau government co-signs legislation allowing Alberta to shut down water pollution monitoring programs due to COVID risk to inspectors working by themselves in remote outdoor locations. That's it. That's the funny/sad part.
9. Trump discussed the oranges of Thigh food.

10. In June, New Brunswick's Education Ministry introduced a comprehensive back-to-school plan, including 15-student classes and stringent physical distancing protocols. In August, Lecce releases Ontario's back-to-school plan, which states, "School will start in September, yes."

11. In his weekly press conference Doug Ford says criminals who throw books at broken-hearted folks will hit the roof when his cheese slides off the cracker and his sleepless nights buy Ontario-made peaches from a powerhouse economy that CERB is ruining by not buying Lay's chips.

12. Derek Sloan says mandatory masks an unacceptable form of government control. Says that as PM he will only control women's bodies, kids' education, sexual orientation and Tik Tok.
13. As donations to CPC leadership campaigns increase Scheer misses the good old van-buying days.

14. Trump begins dismantling United States Postal Service, in effort to foil November election. Kayleigh McEnany insists Postal Service is how the Regional Manager of ANTIFA sends 10%-off coupons for fire bombs to members.
15. Trump announces UFC matchup between Biden and Gawd.

16. In 2010 interview Poilievre says Ministry staffers are never called to testify at committee hearings. Says it hasn't happened in 300 years. Leading Canadians to ask: How many years? How many years. We repeat. How many years?
17. MacKay visits Sudbury. Big Nickel now missing.

18. Asked about 30-student class sizes and feasibility of physical distancing, Doug and Lecce say the addition of an ECE in every room will actually mean 15-student class sizes. Yes. This is our Education Minister.
19. Kenney announce Alberta's 50-50 Draw economy is booming.

20. As a result of the Ford government's Bill 184, "Protecting Tenants and Strengthening Community Housing Act", thousands of Ontarians now facing eviction next week when Landlord Tenant Board reopens. Doug says he's glad to see the Eviction Notice Delivery economy booming again.

21. Two US teenage brothers inadvertently reignite long-standing debate about whether Phil Collins' In the Air Tonight is in fact a gateway drug to chronic air drumming.
22. Twitter reports service slowdowns this week caused by servers being overwhelmed by hockey-related gifs.

23. Trump teaches Canada a lesson by increasing prices of appliances in the US.
24. In response to Trump's tariffs on Canadian product, Deputy PM counters with a $3.6B hit. Conservatives outraged. Say her strength on the international stage makes a mockery of some unnamed stuff.

25. Conservatives now outraged that Chief of Staff Telford did ethical thing.
26. 27 year-old Toronto woman who killed a cyclist in 2015 while driving her BMW drunk sentenced to 18 months for second offence. Lawyer argues for light sentence so she can continue to pay for her BMW.

27. Federal gov't announces it will match all individual donations made by Canadians for humanitarian relief efforts in Lebanon. That's it. That's the tweet.
28. A month left before school starts and everything changes again. Try to enjoy August, yeah?