Dreamweasel Profile picture
Aug 13, 2020 5 tweets 2 min read Read on X
#DonaldTrumpBelieves that
He alone can say what’s true
That everybody loves him
And there’s nothing he can’t do

He think we’re all in awe because
He does his job so well
He thinks he’ll be on Rushmore but
There’s not a chance in Hell
#DonaldTrumpBelieves in
What they say on Fox & Friends
He really thinks the flattery
And praise will never end

As long as he has cable news
To stimulate his vanity
He’ll never have to think about
The problems of humanity
#DonaldTrumpBelieves that
COVID-19’s just a hoax
He always blamed the Democrats
And made a lot of jokes

And thanks to his propensity
To disregard the evidence
We have 200 thousand dead Because of Donald’s negligence
Thank you in advance to all prospective Venmo donors
#DonaldTrumpBelieves that
Protests always lead to violence
He’d frankly be much happier
If we would sit in si-o-lence

He tells us all the streets are filled
With monsters & barbarians
It’s only an excuse for him
To act authoritarian

• • •

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More from @Dreamweasel

Jul 11
TEN REASONS TRUMP IS PUBLICLY DISTANCING HIMSELF FROM PROJECT 2025

10. Has no firm recollection of meeting any of his 140 staff members who contributed to it

9. Dystopian crackdowns on abortion and birth control might disrupt his otherwise plentiful supply of Palm Beach hookers
8. Might appear unseemly to suggest that he had anything to do with a plan to place all government agencies directly under Presidential control
7. The project’s criminalization of pornography appears to be somewhat at odds with Elon Musk’s apparent plan to make it mandatory

6. It’s ridiculous to suggest that the Project 2025 plan to “build a wall at the Mexican border” has anything to do with Trump
Read 7 tweets
Jul 9
TEN REASONS TRUMP’S DEBATE PERFORMANCE WASN’T AS BIG OF A STORY AS BIDEN’S DEBATE PERFORMANCE

10. “World’s Most Prolific Liar Lies Some More” is really more of a Dog Bites Man scenario
9. Convicted felon who is still running for president after attempting coup of previous election may be losing ability to surprise us

8. Trump’s complete disengagement from reality was already kind of a pre-existing condition
7. Claim that Biden plans to “quadruple people’s taxes” technically true for people like Trump who never pay them

6. Trump only told 30 lies in 2 hours, which was disappointingly slow compared to his peak performance in office
Read 7 tweets
Jul 8
🔵: Trump’s administration has drafted an insane blueprint for right-wing extremism called “Project 2025” for when Trump gets elected

🔴: The MSM always lies about Trump because he is fighting to stop the cabal of Deep State pedophiles from flooding the country with immigrants
🔵: Trump has been convicted of 34 felonies and stands indicted for 54 more

🔴: None of them count because the Biden Administration is clearly engaging in partisan lawfare to stop Trump from fighting the Deep State pedophiles
🔵: The Supreme Court has granted Presidents “immunity” based on conditions only they can determine

🔴: They’re only interpreting the Constitution and honoring the Founding Fathers’ original intent to give the President the power of a king
Read 9 tweets
Jun 27
TEN POSSIBLE GAME-CHANGING EVENTS AT TONIGHT’S DEBATE

10. One of the two challengers could plausibly die of old age

9. Trump could say something so unhinged & beyond the pale that it might take his supporters several hours to figure out how to defend it
8. Biden could mispronounce the word “economy” and induce literal orgasms for the hosts of FOX AND FRIENDS

7. A grasshopper or something could jump on Biden’s head and keep the meme artisans busy for the next few days
6. The candidates will provide diametrically opposed solutions to the conflict in Ukraine

5. The candidates will provide eerily similar solutions to the conflict in Israel
Read 6 tweets
Jun 26
TEN CHARACTERISTICS DONALD TRUMP IS LOOKING FOR IN A RUNNING MATE

10. Would need to maintain the fawning obsequious presence of a Mike Pence without blowing it at the end by following the Constitution

9. Must be able to convincingly explain What Trump Really Meant to Say
8. Must be willing to tirelessly work to outlaw abortion, birth control and IVF while repeatedly insisting that he is not trying to do that

7. Would need to straddle the fine line between Partisan Attack Dog, Shit-Talking Edgelord and Deeply Pious Christian
6. To set himself apart from the woke socialists in the public schools, must be willing to avoid pronouns at any cost

5. While a woman would not be out of the question, she’d have to be at least an 8

4. Name must look good on campaign yard signs*

(* Sit down, Mr. Ramaswamy)
Read 5 tweets
Jun 11
TEN WAYS THE HUNTER BIDEN CONVICTIONS WILL AFFECT THE 2024 PRESIDENTIAL RACE

10. The convictions will allow Republicans to explore previously untested strategy of responding to attacks on Trump by saying “Oh, YEAH? Well, what about HUNTER BIDEN?”
9. The terms of Hunter Biden’s sentence might interfere with the duties of the President of the United States, an office which he does not hold and is not in any way seeking
8. The NRA will generate countless fundraising emails over the Biden Administration’s senseless crackdown on nonviolent gun owners
Read 9 tweets

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