TEN NOTEWORTHY REVELATIONS ABOUT THE “ADRIAN DITTMANN” ACCOUNT
10. Is deeply offended when anyone in his orbit slips up and calls X by its former name “Twitter”
9. Has repeatedly expressed support for deporting immigrants except for the white ones who come from South Africa
8. When a disgruntled Twitter user said he was switching to Bluesky, Dittman mused that he could easily buy them out for a mere billion or two
7. Has called Elon Musk the most selfless, handsome and brilliant philanthropist genius of our era who also has touched real boobs
6. Seems unnaturally obsessed with promoting Tesla products, establishing a colony on Mars, and fighting tooth and nail against any and all normalization of transgender acceptance
👷🏻♂️: I am a desperate construction worker who was recently laid off from my job. So I’m sure you can all understand why I voted for the gloating vindictive high-school bully who truly hates immigrants
👩🏻🦰: I am a suburban homemaker with three children who is struggling with high grocery bills. Therefore, it made the most sense to go back to the racist conspiracy theorist who demands credit for everything good and never accepts responsibility for anything bad
👨🏼🏭: I am deeply concerned about the economy, so I had no choice but to vote for the pathological liar who was indicted for 88 felonies and convicted of 34 of them
👨💼: I am a loan officer whose wife left me after 13 years. For this, I blame the uppity feminists like Kamala Harris
TEN MORE WAYS TO MAKE SMALL TALK WITH YOUR TRUMP-SUPPORTING RELATIVES AT THANKSGIVING
10. Express relief that they were able to safely arrive at Thanksgiving dinner without being attacked by lawless migrants terrorizing the suburbs
9. Ask them to explain in their own words how raising tariffs on virtually all imported goods will lower prices and help the economy
8. Find out if they’re still pretending Trump isn’t going to use Project 2025 or if they’ve moved on to gloating about it
7. Ask them who they think will be the first member of the new administration to be thrown under the bus when our economy and international reputation land squarely in the toilet
TEN WAYS TO MAKE SMALL TALK WITH YOUR TRUMP-SUPPORTING RELATIVES AT THANKSGIVING
10. Ask them which appallingly offensive and insultingly unqualified member of Trump’s cabinet is their favorite
9. Try and get a sense of how they of all people thought they were more informed and intelligent than the scientists at the CDC
8. Ask them if there any downsides to being a callous and willfully ignorant person who glibly lies to themselves every day
7. While you’re watching the game, ask them whether they’d support an NFL player taking a knee during the national anthem to protest the unconscionable murder of Ashli Babbitt by Capitol police
TEN POTENTIAL SILVER LININGS OF A SECOND TRUMP ADMINISTRATION
10. Come January, the President of the United States will have nothing but great things to say about our economy
9. No more endless media speculation about whether Biden is too old or incoherent to lead the country
8. Police presence required to arrest & deport illegal immigrants may keep them too busy to attack nonviolent protesters
7. Several dozen of our most objectively terrible Republicans will no longer be our governors or Congressmen
6. It will be a gift to Americans who actively hoped to listen to Trump’s gravelly, self-satisfied and aggressively condescending vocal cadence for four more years