Thread by @CCChatMagazine

The trouble with #coercivecontrol is that I didn’t recognise the red flags 🚩🚩right at the start.

If I had, I would have been able to get out before I got in over my head.

THREAD

I didn’t recognise the earliest signs of control- like him telling me I don’t need to drink coffee because it wasn’t good for me.

I mistook that as a sign that he cared.

#coercivecontrol

I didn’t recognise it as a red flag when he told me he wasn’t close to his kids and felt closer to mine and loved them so much more.

I only saw that he thought my kids were amazing- not that he was disparaging of his.

#coercivecontrol

I didn’t recognise that his need to move the relationship along so fast was #lovebombing

I believed him when he told me he was head over heels in love and didn’t recognise the 🚩

I didn’t recognise that when he said he loved my *flaws* , he had already identified what I was insecure about and homed in on it.

I simply believed it was * unconditional love* - that he loved the good bits of me and the not so good bits.

#coercivecontrol

I didn’t realise that, if asked, he couldn’t actually tell me what it was about me that he loved.

But it would be years before I find this out.

#coercivecontrol

I didn’t recognise that all the * coincidences * in our lives weren’t accidental- they were by design.

He’d deliberately tried to mirror me so I couldn’t fail to see how *similar* we were.

Synchronicity, he called it.

#coercivecontrol

I don’t recognise the first red flags of emotional abuse. The smallest things that would slowly start to undermine me.

Like underhand compliments-

“ I love that you have so many flaws”

#coercivecontrol

Because I had nothing to hide, I did not recognise his need to monitor me.

So I DID chose his name as my password- so that I WOULD think of him whenever I logged on.

#coercivecontrol

I didn’t recognise the subtle signs that would erode my self esteem.

Like when he put his arm around my waist and pinch and say that he liked that I wasn’t skinny.

Even though , at the time, I weighed a little over 8 st

#coercivecontrol

Or the red flag when he said that I shouldn’t wear make up because I didn’t need it- whereas all his exes needed it and never wore enough.

#coercivecontrol

I didn’t recognise that, when he first came over to my house and told me- unsolicited and in minute detail- how I could make improvements to my house, that he had already decided he was going to move in.

#coercivecontrol

I didn’t realise that when he ordered the most expensive dish and the most expensive bottle of wine and then told me he had forgotten his wallet, that he was testing out my capacity to pay.

#coercivecontrol

And the biggest red flag, the one that DID make me uncomfortable but that I managed to talk myself out of was when, as soon as we were engaged, HE went and booked the register office for the FOLLOWING month because * he couldn’t wait*.
#coercivecontrol

After the wedding, the red flags came thick and fast.

Yet I still didn’t recognise them.

#coercivecontrol

Within a few days of the wedding, he had told me he had debts and so couldn’t help with the mortgage and household bills but that * because I’m at work I’m not using any of your electricity and you managed the mortgage before we got married*

#coercivecontrol

And then:
* I shouldn’t be paying my wife rent*

I should definitely have acted on THAT red flag.

#coercivecontrol

So why didn’t I?

Because I didn’t recognise the early 🚩warning signs 🚩 that all might not be well.

I thought he was wonderful and loved me SO SO MUCH in spite of all my flaws ( he’d told me often enough)

So I believed that it had to be me. I was to blame.

#coercivecontrol

And because I thought I was to blame, I didn’t recognise the escalation in his behaviour.

Nor the deterioration in my self esteem.

#coercivecontrol

And because I was pregnant.
And I didn’t know what to do.
And I thought that I could make it better.
If only I tried a little bit harder
Was a little bit better

Then it would be like it was at the beginning......

#coercivecontrol

This is why it’s so important to understand the warning signs of a relationship that could become abusive

BEFORE we become invested.

So we can walk away before we have been ground down.

BEFORE we feel we are drowning.

#coercivecontrol