Just got back from one of the weirdest walks ever! As I was passing through the strip of woodland that runs alongside the river, I heard someone groaning. So I thought: probably just a couple of guys using the last breath of summer for some outdoor, lunchtime sex.
When you've lived in Amsterdam for 30 years, you see some weird shit, including elderly ex-hippy neighbours having sex on the balcony, with Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" playing full-bawl and their mom shouting from the balcony above, that everyone can hear them.
Anyway, I rolled my eyes and kept walking, but then it sounded like the groaning was coming from above, as if there was a speaker up in a tree. So I looked up to see where it was coming from, but the sun was in my eyes, so I had to go back to look from a different angle.
And then I saw a skydiver hanging from his parachute, high up in a tree. It actually looked like he was wearing a sharp suit, a tuxedo, like James Bond. But it was as if he'd been wearing a fluorescent suit over the tuxedo, which he had tried to take off. He was really high up.
To be honest, I wasn't really in the mood to call 112 and wait for the cops to arrive, because I usually takes hours and they ask all sorts of inane questions, like: Do you know this person? How did he get up in the tree? As if I fckn fired him up there with a cannon, you know?
Like those little paratroopers you could launch with your catapult! You'd wrap the parachute around their little plastic bodies and shoot them up as high as possible, hoping the parachute would actually open, otherwise you'd have to go and find them in the neighbour's yard.
Anyway, I did call 112 and I said they should bring some sort of cherry-picker or crane, because this guy was, like, maybe 50 meters up in one of the highest trees. When I heard the sirens coming, I walked out to the road to meet them. But there was no crane or cherry-picker.
But then a fire truck arrived on the scene, with one of those long ladders. But they couldn't manoeuvre their truck among the trees, so they had to get a crane. Meanwhile, this guy was still stuck up there, groaning. And the cops were shouting at him, but getting no reply.
Anyway, as we were standing there, a car pulled up on the road and three of these young hipsters come running down the path, talking on their phones: "We've found them! We found them! They're up in a tree near the Amstel. Everyone's here: police, ambulance, fire brigade!"
"Are they alive?"
"What d'you mean: they?" asks the policeman in charge.
"There should be two of them up there. Look, the instructor is wearing a fluorescent jumpsuit."
"But why are they jumping here, in a built up area, near a bloody highway?
"What d'you mean: they?" asks the policeman in charge.
"There should be two of them up there. Look, the instructor is wearing a fluorescent jumpsuit."
"But why are they jumping here, in a built up area, near a bloody highway?
So the kid throws his hands up in the air and says: "We've got all the permits. They were supposed to land in a parking lot outside a mall, for an opening. That's ... up there in the tuxedo."
I didn't catch the celebrity's name, because I don't watch TV.
So that was my walk.
I didn't catch the celebrity's name, because I don't watch TV.
So that was my walk.
And how has your day been?
Wow, thanks for all your kind words. Glad to hear you enjoyed the story. If half of you bought my books, I'd be able to buy new underwear for Christmas. Fingers (and legs) crossed, as there's a terrible draft in my garret, what with the fledgling owls smashing through the window.
