So I'm watching #Mulan and I'm going to livetweet this because I'm literally 1 minute in and I already made a "the fuck is this?" face at my TV.
For context: I'm a first generation immigrant, my family is from the mainland (Shanghai, specifically), and I was benignly fond of the original Mulan. It wasn't important to me and it didn't particularly "speak" to me or my culture.
Anyway, major #spoilers for a movie that is a cash grab remake that does not need to exist or whatever.
But at one minute into this remake Mulan's dad is like, how can I tell this daughter only a son can use chi? Quick question: what the fuck?
The house that they use for Mulan's family home is called a "Fujian tulou," which means now I gotta worry about getting mad about geography.
Oh my God I already hate this. This fucking idiot kid chasing a chicken isn't bad because she's using chi, she's bad because she's using chi she's bad because she's ignorant or uncaring of the chaos and inconvenience she's causing all her family members.
I'm mad and embarrassed of her and I'm not even fucking related to her.
I SUPER HATE THIS. CHI IS NOT SOME KIND OF MAGIC WHY DOES SHE ALREADY HAVE QING GONG.
Oh I'm also going to cut in here and say a lot of people are talking about how they should have had everyone speak in Chinese and subtitle it? I'm actually really grateful they didn't.
Many Chinese "accents" are more "dialects" and aren't mutually intelligible. For people who speak Chinese, it can be torture listening to all of these slammed up against pretending that they belong in the same scene/film.
This issue is actually what made the non-dubbed version of Crouching Tiger unwatchable for me. Anyway! Back to all the reasons I fucking hate this movie already!
Mark it -- 4:36 is when I shrieked "THEY'LL CALL HER A WITCH?????????"
Part of the reason I'm having such a negative reaction to this chi thing is because of how important the role of women in wuxia is, and also because this is not the POINT of the Mulan story! What the FUCK.
I literally only just hit the title card in this movie at 6 minutes and I already hate this with the fire of a thousand fucking suns. This is garbage. I hate this movie.
Oh also hate the production design of all the Chinese people in this but I'm giving it a buy because Disney handwaving whateverlkjsdflskjd WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO MY QUEEN GONG LI OH MY GOD MUST THEY RUIN EVERYTHING
TRULY WHAT THE FUCK IS GONG LI DOING IN THIS MOVIE
The pastiche of "uh, yeah, Chinese stuff" is weird and uncomfortable to watch and I never thought I would ever have an opportunity to say this but everything feels like it's the wrong colors.
Okay this movie is operating in some sort of paradigmatic framework wherein "chi" and "witchcraft" are big things for Chinese people and they are not and they are definitely not in that way.
Why does this surviving foot soldier know anything about the plans of weird desert witch Gong Li and her shadow warriors? Like he was busy trying not to this himself (understandably) when they RAN UP VERTICLE WALSLdlskjfLDKJF WHAT IS UP WITH THESE FUCKING LIONS IN THE PALACE
WHAT THE FUCK. ARE THEY GREEN? WHAT HAPPENED TO THEIR FACES? WHO ALLOWED THIS? WHAT'S HAPPENING? WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS? HAVE YOU SEE THE FORBIDDEN PALACE? IT'S PRETTY GREAT AS IS. JUST FUCKING FILM THERE OH MY GOD.
Wait, what?? Is the plot to this movie literally BBC Merlin?? Like Gong Li is Morgana who is wilding against Imperial China because magic is illegal? IE: Chi? IE: the fundamental energy every person has in the canon of Eastern medicine?
Gong Li is too beautiful and good for this how dare you do this to her, Disney.
Liu Yifei must have killed herself studying English for this role. Kudos to her.
Cool so we're going to Extreme Tang Dynasty on the makeup but Extreme LOL WHAT THE FUCK EVER on the costume great glad this is happening to my eyes.
Also this is something that I'm not counting as a mark against the film, but it does feel really weird that everybody calls her sister just Xiu. Like I've literally never heard of someone with a one character given name referred to it singularly. So odd to the ear.
It's 20 minutes before we get to the heart of the story: the draft and Mulan watching as her father goes to take his orders. This is what this fucking movie is about and it should have so much more emotional weight.
I'm not discussing anything that happened at the matchmaker because I have a family history of high blood pressure. Also: Chinese wives were never expected to be invisible what the fuck.
Okay the pacing in this movie is w i l d. Dad accepts his draft orders, everybody is sad for 0.5 minutes, he yells at Mulan about knowing her place, Mom flatly declares, "We must be strong. This time he will not return," like 25 seconds after he storms out of the room.
Me, looking at the progress bar on this film: Oh my God there's still 1h10 min to go I'm not going to make it.
Okay, WHAT? WHAT? Okay there is NO SCENE where she decides to disguise herself as a man to take her father's place -- she's just fucking around with the sword, there's a turn, and she's in FULL ARMOR? WHAT?
Also the phoenix being their family symbol is stupid anyway that's reserved for the imperial family but whatever letting that one go.
This movie was...so expensive. They couldn't have given the CGI team working on the phoenix like $5?
Okay what what what the fuck is the gate to this military camp?? I think the DOOR GODS are BUILT INTO THE GATE?
Oh thank God Donnie Yen is here unfortunately this movie is still garbage.
Hey, Mulan? Just a thought: if the matter of your hidden gender is a matter of life or death, MAYBE DON'T UNWIND YOUR FUCKING BINDER IN A TENT FULL OF SOLDIERS I DON'T CARE THAT THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE ASLEEP.
My favorite part of the original Mulan was this sequence in the training camp where she grows stronger and I remember cheering when she climbed the pole so this new camp sequence is basically taking an active messy shit on my nostalgia.
God this is so joyless.
I just realized that if I wasn't watching this with subtitles I would not know what any of these soldiers' names were.
In a more interesting version of this movie, this soldier--who is the only non-ugly one they cast--would be bi and trying to get with dude Mulan. This is not that movie.
Donnie Yen just fully did a "let them fight" for Mulan and Hot Wish He Was Bi Guy
Mulan has zero PROGRESSION in this movie. She starts off with magical powers from chi (AUGH) and she's been HIDING THEM throughout and I can't express to you how much I fucking hate this and it doesn't make sense.
Oh man this bathing scene is uncomfortable and scary with real people versus in the animated version.
"Your chi is powerful, Hua Jun. Why do you hide it?"
Because it's not a thing?? Because this whole thing is not a thing?? How dare you make Donnie Yen say these words with his fucking mouth???
Because it's not a thing?? Because this whole thing is not a thing?? How dare you make Donnie Yen say these words with his fucking mouth???
You know what I just realized? There's nothing Chinese about this movie. Since chi is imaginary garbage in this film's use case, you could literally just use "magic" and put it anywhere and nothing about this film would change.
Gong Li is killing people with her sleeves, which does feel like 1% wuxia, but she is also wearing her crown of teeth or whatever so I'm still angry.
Okay this is kind of hilarious, Donnie Yen has just mentioned he'd like to match his daughter to Mulan like big lol fine this movie gets 1 point.
OTHER realization: I don't think the Great Wall has appeared in this movie yet? At all?
After having basically not talked for 80% of this movie, Mulan just busted out the night before the big fight that she will protect her fellow soldiers, they'll protect each other. Should be a moment, just feels weird.
Update on progress bar: 59 minutes remaining. Bruh.
How have they managed to make a horseback fight as interesting as the air inside my mouth.
I think the most damning thing I can say about this movie is that I'm about 1 hr in and I just took a 15 min break to sort through my farm share selection for next week because it felt like a nice break.
the CGI in this movie is SO BAD it's unbelievable
Oh God Gong Li Hawk Witch is here to fight with Mulan I wish I was trying to pick vegetables again
Jesus fucking Christ if you were hoping that this movie might be rescued by great battle sequences or fight choreography you're going to have a sad fucking Christmas morning.
LOLOLOLOL OKAY I GOTTA -- THIS IS GONNA TAKE A SECOND I JUST WANT Y'ALL TO PREPARE FOR ME LOSING IT
SO LIKE MULAN IS FIGHTING GONG LI HAWK WITCH RIGHT? GONG LI HAWK WITCH SEEMS MORE INTERESTED IN GETTING MULAN TO CONFESS SHE A HOE NOT A BRO, AND THEN GONG LI HAWK WITCH KOS MULAN WITH A FUCKING SHURIKEN. I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO CALL IT. IT'S A THROWING STAR.
AND THEN THE NARRATOR COMES BACK AND IS LIKE AND SO HUA JUN DIED BUT MULAN LIVED AND MULAN SITS UP AND THIS FUCKING SHURIKEN HAS BEEN STOPPED BY HER FUCKING BINDER HER ARMOR IS TITS OUT NOW AND THERE'S THAT HIDEOUS CGI PHOENIX AGAIN.
THEY TRY TO TRIGGER YOUR NOSTALGIA BY DOING THE REFLECTION IN THE SWORD THING OVER THE INSCRIBED CHARACTER "真" WHICH MEANS REAL/TRUE AND THEN!!!!!! THEN!!!!!!!
SHE RIDES OFF TEARING OFF ALL THE ARMOR SHE NEEDS *NOT TO DIE* AND UNTIES HER HAIR FROM THE BUN ON HER HEAD BECAUSE HAVING YOUR FUCKING HAIR IN YOUR FACE DURING WAR IN A CULTURE WHERE BOTH MEN AND WOMEN HAD LONG HAIR IS A GREAT FUCKING POINT TO MAKE
AND THEN SHE RUNS ONTO THE FUCKING BATTLEFIELD AND FULL BLACK WIDOW PROGRAMS THESE THESE FACELESS ENEMIES NOBODY CARES ABOUT BECAUSE GUYS!!!! SHE'S NOT HIDING HER CHI ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THIS IS THE STUPIDEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN
I OWN A DVD COPY OF SORORITY BOYS
THERE ARE STILL 50 MINUTES IN THIS MOVIE
The horse in this movie did not get paid enough
There are like 12 soldiers in this army
She just full fucking confesses she's a chick and her punishment is expulsion. Rough. Then she goes, "I'd rather be executed." WHY. WHY DOES THAT PROVE? IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING. YOU CAN'T DISAGREE ABOUT THE BREAKUP. THIS ISN'T SEINFELD.
They've busted out the erhu for the soundtrack in an effort to get me emotionally invested in this movie but this is a weak effort and they should be ashamed of themselves.
Oh God Gong Li Hawk Witch is back what the fuck does she want
She wants Mulan to be her chi magic witch girlfriend but don't worry, Mulan doesn't want to have fun or make good decisions, she's going to follow bad CGI phoenix instead
I'm crying Hot Should Be Bi Guy just stood up for Mulan and now the rest of the soldiers are chorusing "I believe Hua Mulan" and I just wish I was watching like almost any other movie right now how is this so bad.
I literally cannot fathom the production design decisions of this imperial city. It looks like Suzhou.
Just screamed "WHAT????" because the bad guy just offered the emperor a duel (?????????) and the emperor is like chill let's roll so again, I implore you, "WHAT???????"
Oh my God the emperor is going to go kill the bad buy quote, "with my own hands" this is so irresponsible what a terrible governance plan your succession is going to be haywire who allowed this where are your eunuchs and your kingsguard someone fucking lock him in a courtyard
This movie is so fucking dumb I'm clicking around settings to see if I can watch this in 2x speed.
;asldkjdljkf the evil chancellor just asked for every guard in the imperial palace to gather in one courtyard and they all...fit? what kind of fucking sad ass barony shit do you think imperial china is? do you know how many guards there are in the palace? SO MANY
THIS ONE ON ONE DUEL BETWEEN EMPEROR AND BAD GUY IS GOING DOWN IN A CONSTRUCTION SITE FOR THE NEW PALACE??????????????????????? THEY'RE TYING UP THE EMPEROR IN A FUCKING NET??????????
You know what, one of Chinese cinema's specialties is aerial movement and this film looks so HEAVY and CLUNKY and the fights are all fucking terrible. Like your fights can't be half wire work and have Liu Yifei huffing and puffing scrambling across rooftops
Update: Gong Li Witch Hawk just died protecting Mulan and the erhu is trying SO HARD in the background to make me feel ANYTHING in this dumpster fire of a movie
lol she just dropped her family sword into a vat of metal that's gonna be an awkward conversation when she goes home
God they just CGIed the phoenix wings behind her and it looks terrible and is also NOT WHAT THE PHOENIX MEANS in Chinese culture
Also FYI through this entire fight Jet Li Emperor is just strung up like a scarecrow in the background so please just keep that nonsense keenly in mind
...Mulan just kicked an arrow into a dudes chest
WHAT. MING NA WEN IS IN THIS MOVIE????
Oh God are they going to try and do a romance in this movie? Please don't. I've suffered so much already.
Also how are you getting imperial grace and then getting sent home with fucking nothing? That is not how China rolls. This girl would have a retinue and so much fucking gold and shit.
In the "historical" myth of Hua Mulan, she's at war for 12 years. I used to imagine how it would be when she finally made her way home. How her parents would have aged and gotten frailer. How much they'd missed her. How terrified they were.
Whenever I thought about this story it was one of exquisite love and suffering and endurance for family, of fear and courage, and this movie is so fucking empty of any meaning. Every emotion they're trying to wring out of this reunion is utterly unearned.
Okay they're sending swag so that's at least accurate you gotta send presents yo even if you hate a fucker
Oh good the CGI phoenix is back
THANK FUCKING CHRIST IT'S OVER I AM FREE MY GOD I HATED EVERY FUCKING MINUTE OF THIS OVER LONG MOVIE WHO WROTE THIS SCRIPT WHO DO I NEED TO FIGHT
Oh fucking shock not a single Chinese person was involved in the production/development of this film in any significant role AND JUST TO BE PETTY THE CALLIGRAPHY IN THE CLOSING SEQUENCE IS UGLY FUCK THIS MOVIE GOODBYE
