ALL RIGHT YOU GUYS READY TO WATCH ME LOSE MY MARBLES FOR 2 HOURS?? (but less because i watch on double speed). Livetweeting #Mulan, the thread: 
why are you telling this to your ancestors i'm already confused
UMMMMM IN TRADITIONAL CHINESE MEDICINE, QI IS SOMETHING THAT GOES THROUGH EVERYONE, SO THERE CAN'T BE SUCH A THING AS "only boys can wield qi"???
I could also not believe that this movie has Mulan living in a distinctly southern Chinese Tulou when Mulan is a northern Chinese tale
mulan stepped on the wing of this sculpture and the wing just fell off...how shoddy is the craftsmanship here...
just another regular day in rural ancient china
i don't have a problem with lil mulan's aesthetic, it's very Rural Ugly Chic lol
a man who isn't a pussy ass lil bitch is who
......WITCH? why not like....malevolent spirit??? witches are not a Chinese thing?????? (at least, not one that's regularly used to demonize women? Fox Spirit fills that role)
okay i know Chinese phoenixes and western phoenixes have gotten muddled so much that it doesn't matter at this point, but I want to note that traditionally, Chinese phoenixes don't do the Rise From Ashes thing. that's confounded from Western legends.
once again, qi is in everyone!! goddamn, it doesn't discriminate!!
OH NO DID THEY GIVE MULAN A MYSTIC SUPERPOWER OR SOMETHING
THEY MADE HER CHINESE ELSA?????
THEY MADE HER CHINESE ELSA?????
i've seen some complaints about this "witch" being able to possess people. i don't have a problem with that. Chinese spirits regularly possess people. I just wish she wasn't called a Witch.
this city wall setup is accurate at least. cities in ancient China were generally walled, and you had to go through a gate like this to get in
the Chinese community @ this movie right now
the Rourans just scaled a wall on foot... i mean....it's a common wuxia thing so i can't be bothered
this is very clearly inspired by Chang'an / Xi'an, down to the Great Wild Goose Pagoda look alikes in the background. that's neat.
The throne room is very pretty!! giving credit where it's due
this is akin to saying HER BLOOD IS BEYOND IMAGINING
if they wanted to pay homage to how wuxia media uses qi, they'd praise the way she USES that qi, not her qi itself. like, "her 法术 (martial techniques) are beyond imagining"
if they wanted to pay homage to how wuxia media uses qi, they'd praise the way she USES that qi, not her qi itself. like, "her 法术 (martial techniques) are beyond imagining"
this sounds...so european fantasy....
i also don't have a problem with the Witch (can i just call her the Spirit to make myself more comfortable) being able to transform into a bird. that's common in Chinese myth.
step on me
ugh, so they really are going with the very Western trope of "person is born with uncontrollable, demonized superpowers"
this is just not a thing i see that often in Asian stories? Asian protagonists actively work and work hard for their abilities
this is just not a thing i see that often in Asian stories? Asian protagonists actively work and work hard for their abilities
THEN WHY ARE YOU FORCIBLY GENDERING THE RABBITS, MULAN
ur Asian mom trying to introduce "xxx's son" to you
you are allowed to find this look ugly even though the elements are historically accurate because they really interpreted this in the UGLIEST WAY POSSIBLE
that's a shame when ur ugly ass makeup has ruined this style in the eyes of westerners who will watch this movie 😔
(quick plug for my take on makeup iconic to this era)
im crying @ how ugly her dress is too
DISNEY, ARE YOU INTENTIONALLY TRYING TO MAKE TRADITIONAL CHINESE CLOTHES LOOK BAD
DISNEY, ARE YOU INTENTIONALLY TRYING TO MAKE TRADITIONAL CHINESE CLOTHES LOOK BAD
MULAN JUST PULLED A SPIDERMAN 1 CAFETERIA SCENE
THE RED BANNERS IN THE BACKGROUND IM DYYYYIIIIINNNNG
THEY READ LIKE THE KIND OF ARTICLES YOUR AUNTIES WOULD FORWARD TO THE FAMILY WECHAT GROUP
THEY READ LIKE THE KIND OF ARTICLES YOUR AUNTIES WOULD FORWARD TO THE FAMILY WECHAT GROUP
mulan has the FBI motto etched into her sword, how noble
LOOK GUYS HUA PING IS BORN
omg there was like no impact to the dramatic decision scene?? IT WAS LIKE 2 SECONDS and then she just...rides off into the wilderness???
oh here's the phoenix y'all have been yelling about
it looks fine to me?
it looks fine to me?
DONNIE YEN!!!! DONNIE YEN!!!!!!!! DONNIE YEN IS HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LING, YAO, AND PO ARE ALL HERE!!
BUT I CAN'T TELL WHO IS WHO BECAUSE THERE ARE TOO MANY HALF-NAKED MEN!!!!
BUT I CAN'T TELL WHO IS WHO BECAUSE THERE ARE TOO MANY HALF-NAKED MEN!!!!
when a dick pic slides into ur DMs
why and how are there...showers.....
when u take ur binder off after a long day
i am satisfied by this.
unless you play the song, I DON'T BELIEVE YOU
disappointing update: they didn't play the song. it's just donnie yen waving a sword around and then everyone copying him.
I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANY OF THIS IF Y'ALL ARE NOT CONVEYING THIS VIA A MUSICAL NUMBER
this is Mulan after beating another soldier with her mystical superpowers
WHY ARE YOU TRYING SO HARD TO BE ELSA, MULAN
WHY ARE YOU TRYING SO HARD TO BE ELSA, MULAN
so they spun the Shang character into...this...i guess......
instead of being in the middle of a cheery musical number and abruptly stumbling upon the true horrors of war, it just....cuts to this. there's no emotional impact.
i'm so done with this movie, mulan randomly ends up alone in the middle of a battle, has a brief meaningless confrontation with the enemy bird spirit, passes out, wakes up, stares at the Truth character on her sword and...decides to shed her armor and loosen her hair
WHAT IS HAPPENING AND WHY IS SHE DOING BACKFLIPS ON A HORSE IN THIS VERY IMPRACTICAL OUTFIT
THE MOST BAFFLING THING IS SHE DIDN'T LOSE HER HAIRTIE IN BATTLE LIKE WE EXPECTED. SHE TOOK IT OFF HERSELF.
GIRL, DO YOU ENJOY HAIR IN YOUR FACE AS YOU'RE TRYING TO FIGHT PEOPLE?????
GIRL, DO YOU ENJOY HAIR IN YOUR FACE AS YOU'RE TRYING TO FIGHT PEOPLE?????
i am actively angry that i still have 50 minutes of this movie to get through
The Birds (1963)
they...killed all of those soldiers...with one cannonball...
mulan's avalanche plan killed a bunch of her own comrades lol
wouldn't a male soldier also look like this with his hair down....
ew
OKAY SO THE BIRD SPIRIT LITERALLY TOLD MULAN BORI KHAN'S TOP SECRET BATTLE PLANS AND THEN JUST LET MULAN RUN OFF TO INFORM THE ARMY
this scene would've been nice if it wasn't built up by a series of completely illogical events
lol look it's that corridor that appears in every c-drama ever
A DUEL???? A DUEL???????????????????
THIS IS ONLY ACCEPTABLE IF THE EMPEROR AND BORI KHAN WHIP OUT THEIR YUGIOH CARDS AND THEN THROW DOWN
THIS IS ONLY ACCEPTABLE IF THE EMPEROR AND BORI KHAN WHIP OUT THEIR YUGIOH CARDS AND THEN THROW DOWN
SO...IN PREPARATION FOR THE EMPEROR AND BORI KHAN'S EPIC MATCH OF YUGIOH: THE TRADING CARD GAME, THEY REDIRECTED EVERY SINGLE CITY GUARD TO A SINGLE SQUARE....
the emperor walked into the most obvious trap in fake chinese history and then started doing bed sheet kung fu
im sobbing this is objectively one of the dumbest movies i've ever seen
didn't you know??? this is how all Asian people travel through narrow spaces
MULAN, LOOK AT HER!! SHE DOESN'T NEED YOUR DUMB NOBLE PATH!!!!!
yeah i'm very confused, the whole capital had like 12 people in it
SHE WAS LITERALLY ALONE IN THE THRONE ROOM WITH MULAN AND THEN FLEW OUT WITHOUT A FIGHT
mulan teleported outside the capital and bori khan tried to shoot her and then the bird spirit TOOK THE ARROW FOR HER
BITCH WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST KILL THE KHAN YOUR DAMN SELF AND DECLARE YOURSELF EMPRESS AND MAKE MULAN YOUR GENERAL
BITCH WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST KILL THE KHAN YOUR DAMN SELF AND DECLARE YOURSELF EMPRESS AND MAKE MULAN YOUR GENERAL
MY BRAIN HURTS!!!! I HATE THIS MOVIE!!!!! THERE'S STILL 25 MINUTES OF IT!!!!!!!
GOODBYE FBI SWORD WE WON'T MISS YOU
ANOTHER SCENE THAT WOULD'VE BEEN GREAT IF IT HAD ANY EMOTIONAL BUILDUP WHATSOEVER!!!!!
mulan finally showing off moves learnt from her mentor, Ip Man
oh yeah it's so great that bori khan conveniently fell to his death so the kids don't have to contemplate the ethics of mulan murdering someone for real
never mind he's not dead. he shot an arrow...and then the emperor caught it with his bare hand. this greatly vexed bori khan.
the emperor throws the arrow into the air. mulan KICKS IT INTO BORI KHAN!!!!!!!!!!! KICKS IT!!!!!
oh my god i was so terrified for a second that the emperor made mulan a court lady
oh...were they supposed to be a thing....
the emperor gave her a new FBI sword...yay...
OH NO
NONO NONOANOANONONO
NONO NONOANOANONONO
IT'S OVER!!! IT'S FINALLY OVER!!!!!!!!
I AM EXHAUSTED IN MIND, BODY, AND SOUL
THAT WAS LEGIT ONE OF THE WORST MOVIES I'VE EVER WITNESSED WITH MY TWO EYES
NOT EVEN BECAUSE OF THE WHITE PEOPLE WRITING ASIANS NESS BUT BECAUSE IT'S LEGIT JUST BAD ALL AROUND?????
I AM EXHAUSTED IN MIND, BODY, AND SOUL
THAT WAS LEGIT ONE OF THE WORST MOVIES I'VE EVER WITNESSED WITH MY TWO EYES
NOT EVEN BECAUSE OF THE WHITE PEOPLE WRITING ASIANS NESS BUT BECAUSE IT'S LEGIT JUST BAD ALL AROUND?????
the chief reason why #mulan is absolutely terrible:
anyway instead of watching Mulan, here are the links to my tweet collections about Chinese history 😔: linktr.ee/xiranjayzhao
oh and lemme plug my book that's getting published in Fall 2021 because i'm mad at white people writing Asian stories. It's a Pacific Rim x The Handmaid's Tale retelling of China's only female emperor.
Goodreads: goodreads.com/book/show/5245…
Goodreads: goodreads.com/book/show/5245…
