The talk will be starting in 15 minutes. If you’re not in the livestream at 8am PDT, we’ll try again but the next available slot is any time between 9 and 4 on the third Tuesday of next month.
Buy Comcast.
This has become my livetweeting-my-own-talk thread.
Let's do this.
We're being emceed by Stephanie Higgins, from Comcast's Cloud Center of Excellence.
Meanwhile I'm stuck in the Data Center of Mediocrity.
She's slandering Billie the Platypus as "imaginary." THAT IS A SLUR
And we start with my @jeffbarr birthday video because after that kind of effort I'm shoving that thing everywhere I can.
The @awscloud promotion-to-VP process was documented here for the first time.
Probably NDA-violating picture of @ajassy and a Gartner analyst.
Now the real talk. "Everyone uses a different term to describe "multi-cloud" to mean "the thing I want you to do."
"Note that I said 'data-center', not 'private cloud' because those things don't exist. We tried that with OpenStack, and we saw how that worked out. Now it's best described as 'cutting large checks to VMware, the payday lender of technical debt.'"
"I'm a confident-sounding white guy, so my failure mode is a board seat and a book deal."
Sure is a shame that I gave a talk in a black t-shirt. I have it on good authority that it's unprofessional and I look like a floating head.
This is a subtweet.
Shout out to 2020 for providing me with slide material for years.
"Palantir filed their S-1 showing that they were committed to provider A for $1.49 billion and provider B for $50 million. That's the reality of multi-cloud."
And there's my diagram of actual production software architecture, which is the exact opposite of what a resume is.
Calling out Microsoft's "Intelligent Cloud" segment for not breaking out "Elastic Moron Cloud" too.
"I hate to keep making fun of @IBMcloud, but if you're going all-in on IBM Cloud in 2020, what the hell are you doing?"
That was a lie. I enjoy making fun of them and will as long as they continue gaslighting their customers about outages.
I said the quiet part out loud again, didn't I.
"You believe you're going to be using the best each provider has to offer. In practice you're improving your data center at the cost of your cloud environment."
"Take @awscloud. (Please!) Do you know what it costs to move 1TB of data? Of course you don't."
"Nobody ever got fired for buying @awscloud" in the same talk as I dunk on IBM means the circle is now complete.
"@OracleCloud isn't terrible today these days for some workloads." That's how opinions slowly shift. It's also true.
You know I'm right because I quote @ben11kehoe. Boom, robotted.
"GDPR is a concern, whereas if you're in the US-Hahahaha that was a joke."
"If Walmart, or Walmart's vendors are my target market, I would not build a company on top of @awscloud. That said, Walmart sure does employ a whole lot of people whose primary competence is AWS."
"If you want to go multi-cloud, meet me halfway. Go active/active across multiple regions of your existing cloud provider first, then talk to me about the benefits you see of going multi-cloud."
I think this visual metaphor speaks for itself. And now I go handle Q&A live!
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Today's cloud marketing story is called "The Tale of Hot Rebecca," and is a truthful recounting of dinner last night.
Strap in; it's a fun ride.
Back in my early 20s, I had a number of friends / acquaintances in my (primarily Jewish) social circle named "Rebecca." It was kind of a problem.
("Can't we spray for them?"
"…not since the 1940s.")
So every Rebecca got an adjective, much like the seven dwarves. One of them asked me once what her adjective was, and I responded in a fit of unadulterated honesty, "you're Hot Rebecca" because honestly? Damn.
Made it to the #GoogleCloudNext keynote seating finally. Let's see how this goes now that the world is starting to wake up to a "much of the AI hype is unwarranted" reality.
Boeing: "HOW ARE THEY DOING IT?!"
Airbus: "We bought a torque wrench?"
Boeing: "No, how are you being a featured customer testimonial at #GoogleCloudNext?"
Airbus: "Oh, that? We made a strategic decision to not be walking poster children for corporate negligence."
And now, some DevOps / SRE / Sysadmin / Ops / ENOUGH already tips I learned from early in my career--brought to us by our friends at Chex™ Mix. All of these are great ideas that you should implement immediately...
DNS is notoriously unreliable, so use configuration management to sync all of the servers' /etc/hosts files. Boom, no more single point of failure.
Future-proofing is an early optimization, so don't do it. Every network should be a /24 because that's how developers think. I mean come on, what are the odds you'll ever have more than 253 hosts in a network?
And the Amazon earnings are out for Q4. A miss on @awscloud revenue by $20 million because analysts didn't expect one of you to turn off a single Managed NAT Gateway.
Let's explore deeper into their press release.
For 2023, AWS sold $90.8 billion of services, most of which were oversized EC2 instances because you all refuse to believe Compute Optimizer when it tells you there are savings to be had if you're just a smidgen more reasonable.
Word frequency in the earnings release:
Customer: 87
Employee: 11
Generative: 16
Cloud: 24
Serverless: 3
DynamoDB: 2
Union: 0
It's once again the most wonderful time of the year: the newly-renamed @Gartner_inc Magic Quadrant for Strategic Cloud Platform Services!
This year there are no visionaries or challengers, just "cloud" vs. "you pretend to be a cloud." Let's explore together!
We're going to ignore the "niche players" because for three of them I don't speak Mandarin, and for @IBMcloud I don't speak ancient Greek.
That leaves @awscloud, @Azure, @googlecloud, and @OracleCloud.
@IBMcloud @awscloud @Azure @googlecloud @OracleCloud First up is AWS due to its undisputed alphabetical supremacy.
Strengths include its "everything but the kitchen sink" approach, its innovation in hardware design, and its large feeding ground--I mean, partner ecosystem.
Amazon Q / "an AWS spokesmodel" is easily proving incredibly, incredibly helpful at answering the @awscloud questions its human predecessors in corporate comms refused to address.
According to an AWS spokesmodel, EC2, S3, and DynamoDB have all seen price increases. I did not know that!
I was missing a handful of these on my deprecation list; thanks, AWS spokesmodel! You're incredibly helpful!