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Slava Malamud ๐Ÿ‡บ๐Ÿ‡ฆ๐Ÿ‡ฎ๐Ÿ‡ฑ Profile picture
@SlavaMalamud
Oct 1, 2020 โ€ข 6 tweets โ€ข 2 min read โ€ข Read on X
Hello. I am a very, very white cop. An extremely white cop. Just look at me. What are the odds I will be mean to a random black person for just being in your white neighborhoods? Like, 100%, right? Trust me, I will punch first, ask for ID later. I am such a white cop.
Trump 2020.
The best quote is by Officer Actual Piggy at the 10-second mark: "If Joe Biden is elected, it is just going to continue."
Where by "it", Officer Lotsa Bacon means "this thing that has been going on on Donald Trump's watch."
To recap.
Officer Sons O'Anarchy: "I have been roughing up black suspects and random black people for a gajillion years here in Asswipe PD. The next time I am giving a black pedestrian a ruptured spleen with a bike chain, I need to know I have the President of the USA on my side"
Officer Mafia Guy: "Listen here, you. Dem no good riotin' coloreds only gonna get demselves mo' encouraged wid dis Joe Biden mamalook not sayin' nothin'"
Officer Deadeye Killer: "Know what? I'll just go ahead and call them "these people." And the last thing we want "these people" to have is power. Can I do the okey-dokey finger thing on camera?"
Officer 1964-1978 Cold Cases in Alabama And You Can't Prove Shit: "If you don't elect the racist guy, your children in your homes are gettin' raped immediately. I am not exaggerating. Literally raped. I will let you picture this now. Yes, by black people."

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More from @SlavaMalamud

Slava Malamud ๐Ÿ‡บ๐Ÿ‡ฆ๐Ÿ‡ฎ๐Ÿ‡ฑ Profile picture
Jul 24
I dislike Netanyahu intensely. I passionately hate the pyromaniac zealots in his cabinet. These folks pervert the original purpose of Israel and make it a nation that will eventually be inhospitable to Jews like me.
I want a two-state solution.
I just wonder who else does.
The two-state solution is the framework within which all potential peacemakers in the Middle East, from Anwar Sadat to Donald Trump have tried to find a way to solve the conflict.
But is this framework still alive? Is it still relevant? I wonder.
The support for it in Israel has dwindled, that's for sure. But the bigger problem is that it never had any significant support among Palestinians to begin with.
Israel dismantled settlements in Gaza and removed all troops from the sector in 2005.
What did Gazans do in response?
Read 7 tweets
Slava Malamud ๐Ÿ‡บ๐Ÿ‡ฆ๐Ÿ‡ฎ๐Ÿ‡ฑ Profile picture
Oct 8, 2023
I am an atheist Jew. I believe my people deserve a state of their own, not because some infanticidal porkophobic fairy tale villain has promised it to us, but because we have fucking earned it with 2000 years of unimaginable suffering and persecution.
We. Deserve. It.
Don't agree? Suck on our nuclear warhead.
Ethno-states are bad, but our circumstance is special. Don't agree? Think it's hypocritical? Shouldn't have persecuted us for 2000 years, bitch. Suck on the abovementioned warhead and shut up.
So, with these non-negotiables out of the way
Here is my idea outcome:
1) Hamas - dead. To the last pigfuck. Dead and buried and then dug up and killed again and fucking dead.
2) Two states. Palestine gets its own borders and a functioning government, and the whole world helps them with it so it's sustainable and livable.
Read 5 tweets
Slava Malamud ๐Ÿ‡บ๐Ÿ‡ฆ๐Ÿ‡ฎ๐Ÿ‡ฑ Profile picture
Jul 14, 2023
On the subject of "good Russians", hopefully once and for all...
And, trust me, I am not speaking as a dispassionate outsider. I am married to a Russian citizen, after all.
So, here is my take on what should be the minimally acceptable position taken by anyone with a ๐Ÿ‡ท๐Ÿ‡บ passport
This, of course, isn't for anyone who is actively pro-war and pro-Putin or has taken the cop-out position of "I just want the war to end", "all sides are to blame", "can't we just negotiate" or "this is politics."
These Russians are abhorrent and culpable of abetting war crimes.
However, if you are anti-war and anti-Putin, here is what you should NOT say:
* "This is Putin's war, stop blaming all Russians",
* "Collective responsibility is Nazism",
* "Why are Ukrainians so angry and impolite?"
* "Ukrainian propaganda is no better than Putin's",
Read 10 tweets
Slava Malamud ๐Ÿ‡บ๐Ÿ‡ฆ๐Ÿ‡ฎ๐Ÿ‡ฑ Profile picture
Jul 12, 2023
A Russian man waiting in line in a health center lost consciousness. Nobody gives a shit. Not a single person.
This is an absolutely normal reaction in Russia, and was so in the Soviet Union when I was growing up. Human life is garbage. One less, one more, who cares.
If you are visiting Russia, the best advice I can give you: never, ever have a heart attack outside. People will just assume you are a drunk and give you a wide berth. You may get picked up by a cop, but more likely, you'll just be left where you are.
Nobody will bat and eye.
In 1991, while waiting for a bus in Izmaylovo, Moscow, I saw a severely drunk man stumbling around on the pedestrian isle in the middle of a busy road. He seemed certain to fall right under the wheels of a passing vehicle. I came over to help him across the street...
Read 6 tweets
Slava Malamud ๐Ÿ‡บ๐Ÿ‡ฆ๐Ÿ‡ฎ๐Ÿ‡ฑ Profile picture
Jul 10, 2023
In today's issue of Great Russian Culture Discovered, Russia's most popular song of all time.
It's "Rise Up, Holy Russia" by z-singer Yan Osin. In the ๐Ÿงต below is my word-for-word translation. I challenge the people I've tagged to find a single flaw in it.
https://t.co/hLlozJ7ZGi
Image
If they do (also attn: @AlexKombarov), I promise to resign my position in NAFO Propaganda Department, of which I am the president and the entire staff.
This schlager (a German word Russians use for their most popular patriotic hymns) has probably topped every single Russian chart Image
"The war has come, the war is on
Rise up, my holy Rus, come on
It is our fate, from our God
To show Ukies Stalingrad!

We've done this many times before
We come, like Uncle Chernomor
Donbas is ours, so is Warsaw
We'll fight to England's very shore Image
Read 10 tweets
Slava Malamud ๐Ÿ‡บ๐Ÿ‡ฆ๐Ÿ‡ฎ๐Ÿ‡ฑ Profile picture
Jul 1, 2023
So, anyway, I am a public school teacher in Baltimore, and I would like to have a short conversation about merit and meritocracy.
While the case I will present here is not a of any single student in particular, it is not a hypothetical. This is literally what I see every day...
So, you are a black high school student in a city whose reputation from "The Wire" is thoroughly earned. Let's also make you a female, just for kicks. And, since we are talking specifically about college admissions, we will make you a black female with goals and aspirations...
This being Baltimore, you are more likely than not to be from a low-income family. And since we are speaking of likelihoods, by "family" I mean a single mother, who is, let's say, not doing well, and at least one sibling.
So, in order to maintain your aspirations, you have to...
Read 11 tweets

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