Thread by @jsparkblog

Culture breakdown.
There’s a philosophical principle in South Korea called Hongik-Ingan (홍익인간): the devotion to benefit all of humanity. Basically many Koreans are told if they don’t make a surplus, they should take their own lives. Always contribute, never consume: or die.

The upside is that Koreans (and easterners) have a remarkable work ethic. We work crazy hard. We love to work. Of this, I’m proud. But the downside: if any of us encounter failure, disaster, or imperfection in our performance, we immediately fall into an abyss of worthlessness.

I’m convinced Hongik-Ingan (홍익인간), this relentless desire to contribute good with our lives, is at least one of the reasons why South Korea has the tenth highest suicide rate in the world.

Now what I always hear is that “honor & shame” in the east is a problem so we’re told we need more “independence.” You know, the whole western “Hey just worry about yourself, not some misguided duty to everyone else, and you won’t be so hard on yourself.” The cure for East? West.

Somehow the cure for eastern collectivism in every single movie and book and pop song is to just “Be yourself.” Watch any two Disney movies. Frozen, Moana, Mulan, Cinderella, Lion King, Little Mermaid. The solution is always “Look inside.” It’s never “How about ask your family?”

But this western philosophy is not different than 홍익인간. The same bootstraps rat race: “If you can dream it, you can be it”—with the hidden clause “If you can’t, it’s all your fault.” East: how others see you. West: how you see you. The same problem wrapped in different coats.

So as much as the east & west have different motivations in their work, there is one overlap: If you fail, you’re somehow no good. If you can’t beat this, it’s your problem. If you haven’t succeeded, it’s on you. Bigger, faster, more, or you’re literally smaller, slower, less.

So when it comes to mental health, racial trauma, chronic illness, problems in the larger system—all of these are considered “excuses. Both the east and west are brutally unforgiving to those in uncontrollable circumstances.

“Maybe you’re depressed because you’re not trying hard enough. You’re homeless because you didn’t do your homework in high school. You got abused because you’re asking for it. You’re always sick because you don’t have faith. That wasn’t racism but you just weren’t acting right.”

These sorts of self-shaming statements revolve on the same terrible axis: that when life is bad, you are bad, and that you attracted the terror to yourself. We believe this because it fits a logical worldview. But it is not a rational one.

Here’s what I know. Your goodness absolutely does not hinge on what happens to you. If that were true: every rainstorm would be your fault, every disaster your doing, winning the lottery makes you a saint, and being Jeff Bezos makes you god. Which of course is straight up lunacy.

There is no 1:1 ratio of your value and your life, of your effort versus outcome. And it’s still never ever helpful to put the entire blame and shame on someone for their situation. No one ever got better by being told, “Hey it’s entirely your fault, so good luck.”

No one ever became successful by themselves: no one is a self-made person. And so it’s also true that no one has ever totally failed themselves. Sometimes the environment or system or leaders or their own bodies were hostile, and so they never stood a chance.

Yes, I believe in both personal responsibility & interdependent community. Yes to wise choices. I’m proud of my culture & how strong we are. But our choices are sometimes limited by the mechanisms around us. We can always choose, but the world often determines how far we move.

Our world is not always kind to those “lesser” because we see it as their fault, so they’re not given an opportunity, which only reinforces a vicious cycle. Both our eastern & western philosophies may have many strengths, but they are built on a lie: that it’s all up to you.

The truth? It was never all up to you. At times the world around you has failed you. And sometimes you need help, and you won’t be able to contribute for a time, because you need others to support you. And it’s okay to ask for that. It is. It has to be.

It must not be shameful to ask for charity. Any culture that does so is in itself a shameful culture that must be dismantled. You & I need help. We need each other. We need to be okay to fail. That does not make you less. The best of us emerges when we find where we need help.

My hope is that my daughter knows: your worth never hinges on your work. Sometimes life is just hard. It is unfair. It is ruthless. You will need help. That does not make you less. In fact, to ask for help makes you more. It makes you yourself.

Or perhaps it is all summed up by best by esteemed theologian Captain Jean Luc Picard, who says, "It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness. That is life."
#mentalhealth