NARRATOR: Trump went inside and closed the balcony windows. With the cameras off, he doubled up in pain and felt like he could hardly breathe. Maskless, he ordered his assistants to help him into bed.

But still, his father would be proud. He was STRONG! He could beat this!
If only Melania was there... but she was quarantining elsewhere in the building. And besides, they slept in separate bedrooms. Had done for years. Poor Don.

He turned on the TV. He wanted to yell FAKE NEWS at CNN - but was so weak he could hardly speak.
That 'performance' had taken it all out of him.

Ivanka and Jared were proud of him. Tomorrow, he'd call Don Jr to give him a dressing down. What's this he'd been reading about an 'intervention'? NOBODY would ever intervene with him, the greatest warrior the world had ever known
He flipped channels. Oh no, Fauci was warning his condition could reverse! But screw him, what would he know? Trump now knew more about Corona than anyone either living or dead.

The 200,000 plus Americans who'd died? Obviously, they weren't as 'strong' as him.
Kayleigh had caught it too, of course. Sad! Who'd be next up to sell their souls in the service of the Dear Leader? He flicked through a catalogue of young blonde aspirants for this heroic role.

Suddenly, he started breathing more quickly. CONLEY, GET THE F**K UP HERE!
His faithful doctor - whose own unique hippocratic oath involved him lying daily on the President's behalf in the name of the nation - raced in and administered his latest high dose.

Ah, he could breathe again. I'M SO STRONG, he thought to himself, before demanding a Diet Coke.
The possibilities of the next few weeks raced through his mind. The fake news polls had him double digits behind. This would be the latest comeback since Lazarus!

Or failing that, he could always just cheat. A plan he'd had for years. He'd f****d Corona, now he'd f*** democracy.
But try as he might, he could not sleep. He kept being woken by nightmares. Of his father screaming at him that he was 'weak'. Of Melania divorcing him the moment the election was done. Of the virus... coming back.

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More from @shaunjlawson

6 Oct
Just for a moment, let's ignore the shenanigans which Trump's team has planned for the days after the election. Just for a moment, let's treat all things as essentially equal.

This thread covers why I've expected Biden to win this general election: since March.
1. The United States currently has not just its worst, but its most divisive President since at least the Civil War, and probably in history. At a time of national and global emergency.

What's Biden? A healer. Trump's exact opposite.
The idea that Biden was just "another Hillary" has always been nonsense. First, because Hillary was almost as divisive as Trump. Second, because he appeals to working class voters in the rust belt in a way she just didn't, at all. Third, because he's too plain gentle to be hated.
Read 35 tweets
4 Oct
A serious point about what's happening in football right now. Football without fans is not and has never been football. It's something else. Something completely ersatz and artificial.

Yes, it can be wildly exciting, crazy, mad. But it's not football. Not in any serious way.
What we're watching all over the world are glorified training matches. With training match scorelines. And in which all sorts of players and teams who can't deal with pressure from fans - who have no bottle - are turning it on. Because there's no pressure at all.
Watching the Amazon doc on Spurs, one of the things I found most cringeworthy was when the giant scoreboard had a Zoom link to fans, at home, celebrating a Spurs goal. I know, I know: they're fans. What else are they supposed to do?

But I just found it... naff. Incredibly so.
Read 4 tweets
24 Sep
There's two pretty obvious golden rules which Keir Starmer is following. This thread sets out what those two rules are - and why they're both very important (and no: neither rule are as portrayed by many on here at all).
Rule 1: Don't fall into Tory traps.

Because of the support they've gained among working class voters, and because of the culture wars they're desperate to intensify, the Tories wish to portray the Labour leader as follows:
- That he's unpatriotic

- That he won't deliver 'the will of the people'

- That he wants to divide the country at a time of massive national crisis

- That he's just another woolly London liberal

- That Labour haven't changed under him at all
Read 23 tweets
24 Sep
There are now just 40 days until not just the most important election of anyone's lifetime - but in my view, the most important political moment the entire Western world has faced since the war. And the reason for that is because of what's going to follow.

Winter is coming.
Ahead of any US presidential election, I'd normally be looking at the polls, the forecasts. Who's up, who's down? I'm not doing that this year - because I think it's going to be irrelevant.

I think Ruth Bader Ginsburg's death was, very likely, the moment American democracy died.
The Republicans' disgusting hypocrisy in immediately demanding her seat is filled isn't just to turn the conservative majority from 5-4 to 6-3. It's entirely so they can fix the election. That is the plan; that is what they're going to do.
Read 15 tweets
23 Sep
Yesterday, the Leader of the Opposition - whose aim is to lead his British party into governing the British people, and needs the votes of British people to do so - said he loved his country and wanted to prioritise it.

So far, so normal. But not on Twitter. Not in this madhouse
Apparently, the leader of a major political party seeking to govern a nation state and hence, prioritising that nation state and all its people is OUTRAGEOUS. DISGUSTING. Fascism has descended on the Labour Party. 🙄🙄🙄
Nothing - and I mean nothing - better sums up how (parts of) the (mostly online) left has completely lost the plot than its apparent disgust at something which is the norm in literally any other democracy on Earth.
Read 37 tweets

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