Johnson speech just kicked off. I'm already struggling.
He started with the island-story-battle-of-the-blitz stuff within the first minute.
It's an after-dinner speech, as usual - his primary register. The kind of thing the crowd in the hall would have absolutely lapped up. But in this case delivered to silence.
Interesting that Johnson brands idea he lost his mojo after covid as "seditious propaganda". Doing in a jokey way what Trump was doing yesterday in his proto-fascist-reality-TV way - asserting strength in the face of whispers about his health.
First attack on "leftie human rights lawyers" - Johnson throwing himself behind Patel's speech.
One upon a time, Cameron carefully didn't support Theresa May's brazen anti-immigrant, anti-human rights speeches as home secretary. Those days are long past.
And yet of course, his supporters in upmarket right-wing magazines still call him, against all evidence, a liberal.
Interesting. Standard laissez-faire argument from Johnson on the efficiency of the private sector and the inadequacy of the state. Much is made of Tory party's leftward move on economics since Brexit - for good reason - but Johnson clearly pulling back to traditional position.
(This is of course a party conference speech, so disclaimer obvs required that he may simply be delivering to his audience)
Johns attacks Labour for wanting to pull statues down, being politically correct, wanting to ban Rule Britannia, all the usual junky bollocks.
Utopian fantasist guff about 2030s. A real struggle to maintain attention. Like hearing an awkward boy at school talk about many girls he kissed over the summer holiday.
Well that was no worse or better than expected. Predictably dreadful.
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And before anyone starts with the 'isn't it ironic that you want to silence people as a liberal' horseshit: They murder those who disagree with them. They encourage violence against minorities.
Freedom demands that they be stopped. Only the most infantile, skin-deep understanding of liberty would allow them to continue.
So it took about five days to record the audio book, which I spent with this awesome engineer called Alex. He was extremely patient with me getting shit wrong, then launching into a stream of angry swear words, which he duly erased.
While we were doing it, he was hard at work recording his first album, where he was doing literally everything: the writing, the lyrics, the singing, all the instruments. That guy was dedicated to that shit. He was all in.
And now he just sent me the first single from the album - Modern Times. And the thing is... it's fucking brilliant. Even the missus, who usually despises what she calls my "whiny white boy music", says it is - quote - "not shit".
Watched Rise of the Planet of the Apes again last night and this is as good a chance as any to remind you that it is really quite marvellously fucking brilliant.
The scene where Caeser says 'no' is an actual classic. Seen it many times before, but still made me jump up and shout: 'fucking yes mate'.
That whole trilogy is flawless. A perfect set of films, from start to finish. Intelligent, tragic, engrossing: great for spectacle but still hugely intelligent.
Hmm. So despite my misgivings, and without strictly planning to do it, I have pre-ordered a VR headset.
I had trouble earlier with the need for an expensive PC, and all the wires, and the cost. The Quest 2 seems to get rid of all those problems.
And now, pretty much the second I clicked buy, it has triggered a sudden shock of child-like excitement. Remembering all the chatter I'd have as a kid watching Lawnmower Man and then realising I am actually about to get that bit of kit.
Obvs going to be completely overshadowed today, but Starmer is making his conference speech on here right now labour.org.uk/labour-connect…
Bits out beforehand suggest an attempt to outline a progressive patriotism capable of winning red wall seats back. That's important not just for Labour but for the broader liberal left, to see if it can summon the kind of language required.
The whole chatting-to-an-audience-which-is-not-there thing is weird, whichever way you shake it.