Tweet

Aella

9 Oct, 11 tweets, 2 min read

My brain's behavior around attraction and mate selection is very confusing to me, probably intentionally so I can't figure it out and then hack it into letting me have more sex.
But basically, 'confidence' is a huge one, along with lots of special accidental shit-tests to see 1/

if the confidence is real or fake. Humor is a great shit-test; it's harder to be funny when hiding nervousness. I also notice I do an aggressive kind of teasing right away; if someone acquiesces to me in an 'appease' sort of move, it's unattractive; pushing back is hot 2/

Also desperation/reaching out when I do 'pull back' moves (which are often not intentional!). If I'm busy for a week and they send too many messages, or if I indicate I'm not really interested and they jokingly beg, that's an immediate vaginal drying effect. 3/

I also have subconscious terror that a guy wants to have sex with me as a 'conquer' thing; he doesn't really care about me, he manages to manipulate me into sleeping with him but he does this to a bunch of girls; as though he 'beats' them at the game, and I don't wanna lose 4/

This has gotten worse since my profile online has raised (especially sexually); as I've gotten more well known, I've become increasingly afraid someone is trying to sleep with me so they can run around going I FUCKED AELLA and then that feels shameful for me for some reason? 5/

This isn't really consciously endorsed, but my gut is convinced that I can't trust people who want to sleep with me, that they want to sleep with me for a lot of other reasons besides me as a person, and that if I sleep with them I'm really weak and everyone will laugh at me 6/

So I'm really *really* sensitive to a thousand tiny things around a guy, and worse, even if nothing is a 'bad signal' I still am worried that a bad signal will pop up that I haven't seen yet, and tend to wait a very long time to make sure it's 'safe' to proceed. 7/

Tbf the men I'm most attracted to have social groups that would be barely impressed at all if he slept with me, where I'm an 'equal' to him and his life, where he could sleep with other girls on my level but is uniquely drawn to me due to unusual compatibility 8/

And this might end up being just the typical trashy erotic novel/teen romance movie scenario, where the high powered/wealthy/successful man notices something special in the female protagonist and clearly sexually wants uniquely her for something non-sexual about her being. 9/

I'm a little embarrassed to realize that this is basically my fantasy, though I'm more interested in 'equal' than 'better' man.
But also I'm personally am very weird and have weird preferences in men on top of this so honestly i think im probably fucked for mate selection.

addendum: For all yall saying 'obvs this is basic', I know - but this is *new(ish)* for me; I used to be a happy slut nbd or care. It's also exacerbated by my internet popularity, which is new. I also think my gut reaction is mismatched to actual threat.

• • •

Missing some Tweet in this thread? You can try to force a refresh

This Thread may be Removed Anytime!

Twitter may remove this content at anytime! Save it as PDF for later use!

More from @Aella_Girl

Aella

@Aella_Girl

10 Oct

I'm triggered by people who believe in astrology, or talking to spirits or deities or reading energies or whatever. Am I just overly sensitive or closed minded or judgmental?
Maybe but... I think there's something else going on here.
An analogy:

In circling (or generally good communication), it's a good rule to 'own your experience.' If someone you're talking to says something stupid that makes you angry, recognize your reaction as "fully yours" - don't put it onto the other person as their responsibility 1/

You can take actions like leaving the room, or communicating the anger they're sparking in you, but don't place the burden of the *reaction itself* onto them. It's not theirs, its yours.
This perspective (and habit) comes out of a certain view of the world - that you 2/

Read 13 tweets

Aella

@Aella_Girl

14 Sep

As a kid/teen, I read a lot - and I mean a *lot*; for example I got through nearly 1 book from the Sword of Truth series *per day*. I built a contraption to let me read while showering; I read in the car, by the moonlight, I snuck books under the glass dining table at dinner. 1/

I had at least 2 books on my person at all times just in case I finished one and needed another. I lined my bed with books and slept on top of them.
At this level of excessive, near-constant reading I remember having a different experience of reading than I can achieve now. 2/

I wouldn't read words, I'd read phrases as solid chunks, and often treat full paragraphs similarly to the way I read sentences now; some part of my brain skimmed *in addition* to reading; it sort of told my eyes where to jump to catch the important words so I could come out 3/

Read 5 tweets

Aella

@Aella_Girl

21 Aug

When I was younger, I was much more aggressive, conservative, and hostile. I once asked someone a 'debate' question around a touchy topic, ready to fight; she responded neutrally, well-considered, and asked gentle, clarifying questions.
That snapped me out of it - permanently. 1/

In witnessing someone just patiently take my attack and not attack back, it radically shifted my perspective on what discussions could be like. I suddenly saw that I'd been holding a 'war' mentality, not a 'discover truth together' mentality.
2/

This happened years ago but I still vividly remember everything about this - the building, the chair I was sitting in, the direction I was facing. It was a really important change for me, and I now feel compelled to do the same thing for others, if I can. 3/3

Read 4 tweets

Aella

@Aella_Girl

12 Jul

Are trans women, women?
What is a woman? It's a cluster of traits that's reappeared so often that we recognize it as a pattern. These traits are all over the board - physical, behavioral, mental. Nobody has the perfect set of all 'woman' traits, but we recognize 'womanness' 1/

in traits; e.g., 'dresses' are something that occur in the 'woman' cluster. A certain look to facial features and body type is also associated as 'womanness' (and why trans people try to assume this appearance in order to become 'womanly'). Same with genitals and temperment 2/

It's also based a lot on shared experience and treatment! Being raised female is a 'womanly trait'; having men pursue you is a 'womanly trait'. Wanting to have a safe space away from ambient sexual pressure is a womanly trait. 3/

Read 12 tweets

Aella

@Aella_Girl

10 Jul

A twitter thread summary of this paper on the accuracy of stereotypes, which I read so you don't have to: gwern.net/docs/psycholog…

We open with a summary of attitudes in various fields (mostly academic) which assume stereotypes are inaccurate, with a few peeks into how the research supporting this assumption is lacking. Theory: that a belief that stereotypes are harmful has lead to belief they're inaccurate.

Stereotypes *don't* mean prescriptions (e.g., "children should be seen and not heard), but rather descriptions (jews are rich). Believing that all descriptions of groups are inaccurate is silly. Calling only inaccurate group descriptions 'stereotypes' is also silly.

Read 11 tweets

Aella

@Aella_Girl

19 Jun

@eigenrobot

@eigenrobot something about this way of thinking is triggering me. I am saying this cause I want to be clear that a lot of my response is 'me-based' and you're not necessarily doing anything wrong, but I might say lots of strongly worded things out of a long-growing anger

@eigenrobot

@eigenrobot cause yes like consciously these are important things to consider and i even address these first when people wanna do sex work but there's something about the weight being given to the possible consequences here that is really getting me beefed up

@eigenrobot

@eigenrobot it's been a long-standing sense I've had of this community that people are waaaay more risk averse than i think is ... virtuous? i don't usually think in virtuous terms but that seems to be the best frame for this. like there's no discussion about tradeoffs or life vitality

Read 6 tweets

Support us! We are indie developers!

This site is made by just two indie developers on a laptop doing marketing, support and development! Read more about the story.

Become a Premium Member ($3/month or $30/year) and get exclusive features!

Become Premium

Too expensive? Make a small donation by buying us coffee ($5) or help with server cost ($10)

Donate via Paypal Become our Patreon

Thank you for your support!

Share this page!

Aella

Try unrolling a thread yourself!

More from @Aella_Girl

Aella

Aella

Aella

Aella

Aella

Aella

Did Thread Reader help you today?

Like this author's thread?