Premier League managers as club cricketers
A thread —
A thread —
Pep Guardiola
Elegant left handed opener with one of the best techniques on the circuit. Struggles when things don’t go his way. Coaches the juniors on Thursdays but gets white-line fever on Saturdays. Recently lost the vice-captaincy after arguing with an umpire.
Elegant left handed opener with one of the best techniques on the circuit. Struggles when things don’t go his way. Coaches the juniors on Thursdays but gets white-line fever on Saturdays. Recently lost the vice-captaincy after arguing with an umpire.
Jose Mourinho
Grumpy medium pacer. Now playing at his fourth different club in a league of six teams. Bowls first change down the hill and makes the quicker 21-year-old run into the wind. Relentlessly abuses the batsman and his own teammates from first slip.
Grumpy medium pacer. Now playing at his fourth different club in a league of six teams. Bowls first change down the hill and makes the quicker 21-year-old run into the wind. Relentlessly abuses the batsman and his own teammates from first slip.
Frank Lampard
Looks like the next Kohli in the nets but averages 8 in the middle. Keeps his place in the 1st XI because he’s married to the Club President’s daughter. Scores runs for fun on Sundays, smashing 12-year-old's in a desperate attempt to boost his Play-Cricket stats.
Looks like the next Kohli in the nets but averages 8 in the middle. Keeps his place in the 1st XI because he’s married to the Club President’s daughter. Scores runs for fun on Sundays, smashing 12-year-old's in a desperate attempt to boost his Play-Cricket stats.
Jurgen Klopp
Club Captain and energetic wicket-keeper. Spent 3 years in the county setup but never quite made it. Helps with the ground twice a week, coaches the juniors in the evenings and his mum does the teas. The complete clubman.
Club Captain and energetic wicket-keeper. Spent 3 years in the county setup but never quite made it. Helps with the ground twice a week, coaches the juniors in the evenings and his mum does the teas. The complete clubman.
David Moyes
Clueless Club President. Forced his son to play cricket as a kid and ended up putting him completely off the game. Will play for the 3rd XI if they are desperate. Bats at 9, doesn’t bowl and is a complete liability in the field.
Clueless Club President. Forced his son to play cricket as a kid and ended up putting him completely off the game. Will play for the 3rd XI if they are desperate. Bats at 9, doesn’t bowl and is a complete liability in the field.
Carlo Ancelotti
Club Umpire. Spent 30 years playing in the Lancashire Leagues before retiring to the South coast. Still has a fiery temper if pushed. His decision is final, question him at your peril. He’ll give you the eyebrow and report you to the league if you complain.
Club Umpire. Spent 30 years playing in the Lancashire Leagues before retiring to the South coast. Still has a fiery temper if pushed. His decision is final, question him at your peril. He’ll give you the eyebrow and report you to the league if you complain.
Roy Hodgson
Club Groundsman. He's been at the club for over 50 years. No one knows quite how old he is. Once told a pre-war story so could be 90. Bowls absolute pies for the 3rd XI and takes buckets of wickets. Often makes inappropriate comments in the pavilion. Club legend.
Club Groundsman. He's been at the club for over 50 years. No one knows quite how old he is. Once told a pre-war story so could be 90. Bowls absolute pies for the 3rd XI and takes buckets of wickets. Often makes inappropriate comments in the pavilion. Club legend.
Sean Dyche
A belligerent opening batsman. Whilst Pep finds the gaps with ease, Dyche makes every run look painful. Equipped with an arm guard and chest guard, Dyche prides himself on “seeing off the new ball” but rarely survives the first 4 overs of an innings.
A belligerent opening batsman. Whilst Pep finds the gaps with ease, Dyche makes every run look painful. Equipped with an arm guard and chest guard, Dyche prides himself on “seeing off the new ball” but rarely survives the first 4 overs of an innings.
Mikel Arteta
Skiddy young fast bowler and Pep’s son. Bowls up the hill and still takes heaps of wickets. He’s young, athletic and can swing it both ways. Mourinho hates him.
Skiddy young fast bowler and Pep’s son. Bowls up the hill and still takes heaps of wickets. He’s young, athletic and can swing it both ways. Mourinho hates him.
Nuno Espírito Santo
A brilliant off-spin bowler and aggressive middle order batsman. A gentleman off the field but throw him the ball and he’s a different beast. Gets through his overs quickly and constantly chirps the batsman. Loves a loud appeal and an even louder send-off.
A brilliant off-spin bowler and aggressive middle order batsman. A gentleman off the field but throw him the ball and he’s a different beast. Gets through his overs quickly and constantly chirps the batsman. Loves a loud appeal and an even louder send-off.
Steve Bruce
Number 4 batsman. Fields at second slip. His main job is to calm Mourinho down after another wicket-less spell. Seems to know every umpire on the circuit personally.
Number 4 batsman. Fields at second slip. His main job is to calm Mourinho down after another wicket-less spell. Seems to know every umpire on the circuit personally.
Ole Gunnar Solskjær
2nd XI Captain. Often looks completely out of his depth. He has a talented young team but just can’t work out why they lose every week.
2nd XI Captain. Often looks completely out of his depth. He has a talented young team but just can’t work out why they lose every week.
Graham Potter
3rd XI Captain. His clever swing bowling has led them to back-to-back promotions, but he often falls out with Solskjær over the club's selection policy, arguing that Ole is wasting teenagers' talent by batting them in the wrong position.
3rd XI Captain. His clever swing bowling has led them to back-to-back promotions, but he often falls out with Solskjær over the club's selection policy, arguing that Ole is wasting teenagers' talent by batting them in the wrong position.
Chris Wilder
Very much in the Sean Dyche mould of opening batsmen. On the only occasion they have batted together, they were 14-0 from 20 overs at drinks. The club then made a unanimous decision to never let them be on the same team again.
Very much in the Sean Dyche mould of opening batsmen. On the only occasion they have batted together, they were 14-0 from 20 overs at drinks. The club then made a unanimous decision to never let them be on the same team again.
Ralph Hassenhutl
Jurgen's brother. A decent all-rounder and backward point fielder. Walks in to bat with great menace. Says he’d have a better average than his brother if he was given the Number 3 spot. Instead bats at 7 and rarely gets into double figures.
Jurgen's brother. A decent all-rounder and backward point fielder. Walks in to bat with great menace. Says he’d have a better average than his brother if he was given the Number 3 spot. Instead bats at 7 and rarely gets into double figures.
Dean Smith
Roy’s son. Sunday Captain and Fixtures Secretary. Always makes sure everyone gets a game, Bowls leg-spin and bats himself at 11.
Roy’s son. Sunday Captain and Fixtures Secretary. Always makes sure everyone gets a game, Bowls leg-spin and bats himself at 11.
Slavan Bilic
Aggressive fast bowler. Turns up in a beaten up Ford Fiesta, abuses his teammates and leaves straight after the game is over.
Aggressive fast bowler. Turns up in a beaten up Ford Fiesta, abuses his teammates and leaves straight after the game is over.
Marcelo Bielsa
The dark horse who the opposition never see coming. He wears tatty old kit which has been in the back of his car since last September. Bowls tweakers with a suspect action and pouches catches at gully. Highest wicket-taker in the league 3 years running.
The dark horse who the opposition never see coming. He wears tatty old kit which has been in the back of his car since last September. Bowls tweakers with a suspect action and pouches catches at gully. Highest wicket-taker in the league 3 years running.
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