Thread by @FreyaHolmer

(long thread. CW: cynical and depressing introspection)

sometimes it feels like the more you get to know yourself, the more you start questioning what your true self really is, versus what is just a layer of acting you mask it with

I don't even know if that distinction exists

quarantine has made me realize things about myself that I was sort of pretending wasn't there, and now I'm a little uncomfortable admitting that that's really who I am, or if that's even who I want to be, and if I even have a choice

I quit my job as co-founder/tech artist at Neat corp near april, right as covid hit, and we started self quarantining

I don't think I've ever had such an abrupt cutoff from friends that I used to meet every day at work, and from friends I used to meet a few times per year

while many people around me are missing that connection of being able to see friends and coworkers, I'm... thriving

I haven't felt this level of peace and lack of stress for a very long time, and it has really made me call into question what I really want in life

I've known for a long time that it takes a lot for me to be convinced or to convince myself to go out to see friends

I've often excused it as being introverted, tired, or busy with my own projects, or just not feeling it, whatever that means

but I think the truth is that I'm just not interested in being around other people

which, heck, kinda hurts to say both to myself and any of my friends reading this. it isn't personal whatsoever, and if I could control this I would, but it kinda looks like I can't

it's definitely not a case of me disliking my friends - they're wonderful! but for some reason, I almost *never* ask to hang out

so then the question is, why?

I almost never call my family, but I'm always up for talking if they call

I almost never initiate hanging out with friends, but I sometimes join still if someone else organized it

so then, why this discrepancy?

I think the (really uncomfortable) answer I've come up with so far is

I think I engage with most of my relationships on a bare minimum basis. I want to appear as if I care about them more than I actually do; it would hurt them otherwise

but I mostly just want to be on my own

and, to some extent, I don't want to lose friends out of neglect, especially when we've had lots of good times together in the past

and, more egocentrically, I really want to have people around who care about me

but apparently I want that without having to be very caring about them, which, seems like a very toxic way of looking at friendship - is it even moral for me to keep something like that up?

I'm probably way too cynical, but I'm starting to piece together a pattern that I'm not sure if I'm fully accepting of yet

I've got so many people around who care about me, or, used to at least, but I keep unconsciously distancing myself from them

and recently it has hurt some of those who are closest to me of all, my sister and my mom

they've noticed that I seem to only be truly close and actively engaging with one person at a time

when I'm single, it's my sister. when I'm in a relationship, it's my partner

this recently hurt my family, because I was so neglectful, without even noticing I was

I just, don't think to be there for people, except in my one close relationship

there are no emotions that tell me otherwise

when I was in school, I used to be picked on for not having enough emotional expression. I'd be called "stoneface" frequently

it didn't bother me too much at the time, but looking back it has kinda made something pretty clear that I'd almost forgotten at this point

today, most of my facial expressions are very conscious and deliberate, especially when I'm on camera

it's, acting, a way to fit in, to do what people expect you to do, to react the way people expect me to

this is especially true for emotional expressions

in some cases, I lack entire categories of emotion

I can remember exactly *one* moment I got angry

but I can remember several moments people were angry with me because I didn't get angry when they expected me to

not that I can do this for anger, but, I think this type of learned social acting has been really valuable

being "normal-passing" is, well, useful, in almost every social circumstance, especially with people you aren't very close to or at industry events

but I wonder if this might be contributing to the sheer exhaustion I feel after being social for an extended amount of time

it also makes me wonder if I should just drop the facade and only allow people into my life who can accept me for who I am

but then again who, am I?

I think, dropping that facade, if it can even be called a facade at this point, would make me an even worse friend than I already am

it would make me seem colder than I already appear

it would make me lose friends, rapidly, and that thought scares me

I am constantly envious of people who can't help but to express emotions naturally and so spontaneously

it's beautiful to see people genuinely feel and express such strong happiness and care for others, I wish I could do the same

it's strange to feel such longing for being loved and yet feeling unable to have strong personal connections because of my inability to make myself emotionally invested in others

if I can't care for others, I feel like I don't deserve to be cared for by them

but, who knows, maybe it's just a Sad Phase I'm going through right now, maybe I'm post-hoc rationalizing things

but the thoughts are there and it's making me, incredibly melancholy

many have asked if I'm on the autism spectrum or have some form of ADHD

I've never been diagnosed, I was given a self test from a psychiatrist, (I was there for other reasons but) their take was that I have "autistic tendencies", but not enough to warrant a diagnosis

labels are weird and as soon as you start mentioning them you spend a lot of time having to explain what you're not, rather than just stating what you are

that being said - among those I've read about so far, SzPD almost reads like a biography of me (unlike ADHD and ASD)