Just thinking about what it means to have brain/mind that goes wrong and weird situation of being able to examine my own thoughts and perceptions objectively. It's such a weird thing to be able to 'see' clearly where my thinking has gone wonky when I'm no longer in a wonky place
Sometimes I feel bullish about it and sometimes I feel a kind of deep, sorrowful shame when looking back at my own mistakes of thinking and perceiving. It feels like realising I've only been half listening to a conversation and just fabulated what I thought was being said.
Actually, shame is probably the most obliterating internal state for me. When in the throes of an attack of shame, all of my most useful skills and thinking just disappear. I give in, I give up, I give others far more space inside me than I should. That's one of gaps I fall into
As I get older, I realise more the contours of landscape inside me and can see more clearly from the higher ground exactly how and where I get lost in the thickets and undergrowth of my own misfiring thinking. It's a sobering thing and no mistake
All of this is a kind of explanation of the question I'm about to ask: what are the gaps or confusions in your own thinking that you are most aware of when afterwards you find yourself no longer lost in them? And what does it feel like when you realise?
Sometimes I feel unsafe in the world and my response is to give in, to try to be nothing: what right do in have to say or do anything? It's a classic passive freeze response and I hate it with a kind of desperate exasperation. Returning from that is like rebuilding my world
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