I know it seems counterintuitive, but conflict is incredibly useful/valuable and generative conflict is one of the quickest and most effective ways to build and deepen trust.
Instead of running from conflict, we can work to embrace it and get curious about all that it has to teach us: about ourselves, the other person and our shared relationship. There is a TON of information in there that can help us reflect, learn and grow.
Also, generative conflict, like anything else is a skill we can practice and build, rather than an innate quality one is born with.
You can be great at generative conflict in one relationship and be terrible at it in another. Or even in the same relationship, you can knock it out of the park one day and struggle the next.
Take each time and reflect on it, so you can learn from it. What worked? What didn't? What things allowed for and supported generative conflict? What were obstacles to it? Where do you still have work to do? etc...
And i just want to be clear that i am talking about conflict between people who love and care about each other--people with whom we *want* to be in relationship with.
i think of generative conflict as a *collective skill* that yes, obviously relies on individual skills, but at the end of the day it is something we do *together.*
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