[THREAD] I want to dedicate a thread to boundaries. It is something that is very needed and one of the main issues my clients face with their families, partners and even friends. Bringing up a discussion of boundaries can be a very complicated mess as it is not accepted easily.
Boundaries, in this case, are lines that we communicate to people in our lives because crossing them can lead to psychological distress. It is something that we all need because it is one of the best ways to protect our mental health and a great tool of prevention.
Because of the collectivistic nature of our culture, any individualism is met with challenge and resistance. It is not any different when it comes to setting boundaries. However, we are going to try to find ways to navigate those obstacles and help ourselves be more assertive.
In order to understand boundaries, we need to understand reinforcements. Let’s take the example of a family constantly pressuring their child to get married, but this person is not ready to. The family will generally try every emotional manipulation in the book.
They could say they are getting too old and want grandkids, they could say it would make them happy, that it is a way of showing love to them, etc...When the boundary is not set, they will continue to use these methods because they can poke without any resistance.
However, if we say: “when I am ready, I will let you know, until then I don’t want to talk about it”. They will still try to talk about it and poke, but if we cut off the conversation whenever they do, we clearly establish that there won’t be any reinforcement.
By doing so, despite their attempts, will ensure a greater respect for the boundaries. It is important to note that the resistance can take some ugly forms, from crying, screaming, guilt tripping, even faking illnesses and blaming it on you. This is mostly to regain control.
It is important to keep those boundaries firm. Otherwise, they will use those methods again in the future to get past them. Also, if you fear for your safety, or can’t talk about boundaries, it is okay to use other excuses whether it is saying you are busy with work, school...
You don’t owe them the truth when your loved ones don’t provide a safe environment for you to open up. This is not a character flaw on your part, but rather an issue of those who keep using emotional manipulation to get what they want.
These boundaries are very important even if they take some work and energy at the beginning. Let’s do an exercise together. We will write down all the boundaries we want to establish, prioritizing those that would help the most.
Then we pick a few and write down how we will communicate them. If you feel safe, you can just say they are boundaries. If not, you can use other excuses. Once we write that down, we are going to write how we will enforce them if someone tries to cross them.
That could mean cutting off the conversation, withdrawing, deflecting, etc...It all depends on your comfort zone. Please try some of these as they can bring a lot of peace and help your mental health a lot 💚
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