Why do people always have to cycle through the Five Stages of Grieving?
What makes this cycle such a powerful pattern?
How do we become free from it?
THREAD
👇👇👇
What makes this cycle such a powerful pattern?
How do we become free from it?
THREAD
👇👇👇
1. Denial
We have constructed in our heads a narrative about how things should be. We have identified with that story and attached our ego to it.
When the story is revealed as false, we are compelled to deny the revelation in order ot assert our ego as valid.
We have constructed in our heads a narrative about how things should be. We have identified with that story and attached our ego to it.
When the story is revealed as false, we are compelled to deny the revelation in order ot assert our ego as valid.
The denial stage emphasizes the conflict between experience and expectations.
Because we have identified with the expectation story, accepting the experience would invalidate our ego.
So we invent a denial-rationalization to keep our ego circus going.
Because we have identified with the expectation story, accepting the experience would invalidate our ego.
So we invent a denial-rationalization to keep our ego circus going.
The denial stage multiplies the cognitive load of our attachment and identification with narrative.
We have to twist ourselves into cognitive pretzels to maintain not only our original expectations but also our denial rationalization.
We have to twist ourselves into cognitive pretzels to maintain not only our original expectations but also our denial rationalization.
2. Anger
The denial stage increased our cognitive load of narrative-attachment by adding a denial-rationalization.
We now need cognitive power (amplitude) to sustain two narratives in conflict with experience – our expectations and our denial-rationalization.
The denial stage increased our cognitive load of narrative-attachment by adding a denial-rationalization.
We now need cognitive power (amplitude) to sustain two narratives in conflict with experience – our expectations and our denial-rationalization.
We have to get from somewhere the extra energy to maintain a cognitive amplitude necessary to sustain both our narratives.
We shift energy from frequency to amplitude.
So we descend into the frequency of anger.
We shift energy from frequency to amplitude.
So we descend into the frequency of anger.
3. Bargaining
Our continued experience keeps grinding against our expectations and denial-rationalizations, compounding our cognitive load.
We are already at the lows of our cognitive frequency, so we can't steal more energy from it.
We must give up ego or reduce the conflict.
Our continued experience keeps grinding against our expectations and denial-rationalizations, compounding our cognitive load.
We are already at the lows of our cognitive frequency, so we can't steal more energy from it.
We must give up ego or reduce the conflict.
Bargaining is our attempt to adjust our expectation and rationalization stories in order to reduce the cognitive load of sustaining them.
A better fit with experience would result in less conflict, which would consume less cognitive energy.
A better fit with experience would result in less conflict, which would consume less cognitive energy.
Of course, ego is the last thing we would give up, so we fit our new stories to ego before we fit them to experience.
That's why so often bargaining sounds even more delusional than our original expectations and rationalizations.
That's why so often bargaining sounds even more delusional than our original expectations and rationalizations.
4. Depression
We have been twisting ourselves into pretzels for a while: over our expectations, denials and rationalizations.
We become exhausted. Our frequency drops to zero and our amplitude follows not too far behind.
We become depressed and apathetic.
We have been twisting ourselves into pretzels for a while: over our expectations, denials and rationalizations.
We become exhausted. Our frequency drops to zero and our amplitude follows not too far behind.
We become depressed and apathetic.
The depression stage in grieving is special in its apathy.
We accept the experience but deny its meaningfulness in a last-ditch attempt not to invalidate the narratives identified with our ego.
"OK, the experience is valid, but it doesn't mean anything, so my ego is valid too!"
We accept the experience but deny its meaningfulness in a last-ditch attempt not to invalidate the narratives identified with our ego.
"OK, the experience is valid, but it doesn't mean anything, so my ego is valid too!"
"Everything is meaningless, so it doesn't matter even if it's true."
"Everyone is an imbecile, so it doesn't matter even if one's right."
There are too many variations on the same tune.
"Everyone is an imbecile, so it doesn't matter even if one's right."
There are too many variations on the same tune.
5. Acceptance
We have exhausted ourselves and descended into apathy and depression.
We must either move or die, so our survival instincts kick in.
Action forces us back into meaning, but we must accept meaning consistent with experience because we're exhausted.
We have exhausted ourselves and descended into apathy and depression.
We must either move or die, so our survival instincts kick in.
Action forces us back into meaning, but we must accept meaning consistent with experience because we're exhausted.
As we "surrender" to our experience, we not only eliminate the cognitive load of sustaining narratives.
We also draw cognitive energy from the flow of movement consistent with experience.
Every bit of consistent movement draws more energy, which encourages more movement etc.
We also draw cognitive energy from the flow of movement consistent with experience.
Every bit of consistent movement draws more energy, which encourages more movement etc.
Most people try to get out of this cycle by trying to look for "evidence" and "objective truth".
Which only creates more narratives, which only makes the cycle worse.
The key to breaking the cycle is in not identifying with our expectations in the first place.
Simple as that.
Which only creates more narratives, which only makes the cycle worse.
The key to breaking the cycle is in not identifying with our expectations in the first place.
Simple as that.
• • •
Missing some Tweet in this thread? You can try to
force a refresh
