Thread by @Ansarabdul070

The Best Kayan Mata

Last week, I was requested to intervene in a marital brouhaha gone awry. The couple are relatively young and their marriage is still very fresh - just about three months old. I met the couple separately, and also talked to some of their closest associates

who are well acquainted with the issue. The outcome of my investigation is that their case is as simple as it is complicated. Unfortunately, not only were the couple too naive in the way that they handled their differences, their case, in fact,

is a classical example of the proverbial “too many cooks spoil the broth.”

Some of the issues revolve around personal hygiene, lack of discipline and home training, lack of culinary skills, stinginess, wickedness, bad communication strategy, sexual exploitation, et cetera.

In the end, we could not reconcile their differences and both had to go their separate ways. It was an undesirable but unavoidable decision. Their continuous stay together will cause more harm than good. Besides, the divorce was irrevocable, already. Sadly,

she would not be suitable for marriage any time soon. She has to carry her pregnancy through this tumultuous period of emotional and psychological trauma.

It is sad that many of us prepare for wedding more than we prepare for marriage. In fact, some do not prepare for marriage

at all. All that matters to them are the “kayan lefe” ( eru iyawo), pre-wedding shoots, bridal shower, bridal train, aso ebi, event center, gele, makeup, manicure, et cetera. The most essential ingredients of marriage are never given the least priority.

Back in the days when family values still had meaning, parents, beginning from few days before the wedding up till the final moment when the bride will be handed to her husband engage her in a marathon of counseling sessions on how to keep her home, and make her marriage workable

enviable and ‘a cynosure of all eyes’.

Today, our sisters hardly have the time to listen to any parental sermon on marriage. After all, they claim, they are vastly experienced in how to maintain a home, given the volume of movies that they have watched, lectures that they

has listened to, as well as books and social media posts on marriage that they have read. They picture their kind of Mr Perfect in the head, thinking that what works for Mr and Mrs B must also work for them. They are completely oblivious of the fact that marriage is more

They are completely oblivious of the fact that marriage is more practical than theory, and that no perfect marriage exists.

The best Kayan Mata that a woman can adorn herself with for her husband is her character and not sexual prowess. Sexual enjoyments last only for a while.

For men, sex is no different from food. In fact, men prefer to eat better food than to have better sex. The enjoyment only lasts so long as its taste continues to be felt in the mouth. After a while, the sensation vanishes and you’re all back to the real issues.

No matter how monstrous you turn yourself into in the bedroom, a man will only appreciate your beauty and sexual prowess if you’re dutiful, neat, obedient, reserved, chaste, religious, patient, hardworking and, above all good at cooking.

Allāh describes as righteous women,

those who are:

فَالصَّالِحَاتُ قَانِتَاتٌ حَافِظَاتٌ لِّلْغَيْبِ بِمَا حَفِظَ اللَّهُ ۚ

“So righteous women are devoutly obedient, guarding in [the husband's] absence what Allah would have them guard.” (4:34)

The Messenger of Allāh, may Allāh be pleased with him also

describes as the best of women:

إذا نَظَرْتَ إلَيْهَا سَرَّتْكَ ، وإذَا أمَرْتَهَا أطَاعَتْكَ ، وإذَا أقْسَمْتَ عَلَيْهَا أبْرَتْكَ ، وإذَا غِبْتَ عَنْهَا حَفظَتْكَ فِي عِرْضِهَا وَمَالِهَا

“The one who makes (her husband) happy when he looks at her, obeys him when he tells

her to do something, and does not disobey him with regard to herself or her wealth in a way that he dislikes.”

Some of the best Kayan Mata that a woman can get to protect and project her marriage are to:

* be pious and religiously committed to her Deen;

* jealously protect her man with good character;
* cook him good food and forbid for him eating outside;
* be mature in her thinking and actions;
* be productive and innovative;
* improve herself intellectually and skillfully;
* be effective in communication (including taking

his phones away from him to attain full concentration);
* be nice to his families and trusted associates;
* be dutiful and obedient to him;
* beautify herself all the time (bathing, perfuming and wearing attractive outfits);
* avoid backbiting and slandering him with friends;

* avoid unnecessary nagging and whining;

Charming him with magic will only compound and magnify your woes. Every charm has an expiry date, and when it finally expires, and the wool falls off his eyes, he will treat you worst than an animal.

Using sex as tool to attract his attention won’t work either. The taste wouldn’t last forever, too. One day, you would exhaust all your skills and he will look out to take on more challenges.

My one kobo advice. Sleep well.

Sanusi Lafiagi