Thread by @MDinWaiting

Today marks 11 years since I watched my dad die. 11 years since I tried to resuscitate him during cardiac arrest. 11 years since I first thought it was all my fault. A 🧵on #grief, #loss, and #healing 1/19ish

I’m still learning everyone grieves differently. I don’t miss my dad every day, every little thing doesn’t remind me of him - it never did, not even at the beginning. Part of it may be the trauma and part of it may just be a different response. I felt soo guilty the first year 2/

I went back to senior year of high school two days later. I was only 16. I had called in my own absence from the hospital. I was in the middle of college applications. I saw the school therapist and said I was fine, had the support of my family and community, and that was that 3/

I was more worried about getting my first B (ever at that point) in AP Physics. I felt like a horrible daughter. Did that mean I didn’t love him? Why wasn’t I crying every day like my mom and sister? What was wrong with me? I didn’t have a guide to navigate these emotions 4/

So I just never talked about it. I took on a caretaker role for my family again and pushed through. I sent his death certificate to every college I applied to for financial updates as our income went to basically -$$$$ from debt. It was the first time I saw a death certificate 5/

Sometimes I’d see things that reminded me of him and try to make myself cry. I thought it’s what I was supposed to do. Every movie/show I watched framed loss as missing someone everyday. How they thought about them all the time. I didn’t know loss was nonstandard 6/

I moved out for college 10 months later, more guilt for leaving my widowed mother and 14 year old sister behind, and “powered through.” The adjustment (or lack thereof) is a whole other story. I was still in a high-functioning trauma response with no idea of underlying PTSD 7/

December 8, 2010. The first “death anniversary.” I had a calculus final that day. I hadn’t told anyone in college about my dad. Not even my roommates. I got an A- in the class even after setting the curve before and was more worried about how that meant a 3.75 for the quarter 8/

Fast forward to December 8, 2020. I’ve now been in therapy for 10 years (inconsistently bc of insurance issues/moving back and forth between home and school). I’ve learned so much more about how trauma works and realize how we all take on our own roles after experiencing loss 9/

There’s no right way to grieve someone. How you react to someone’s death is NOT a reflection of your relationship with them. It is *crucial* to find a trusted, safe professional to guide you through your healing process. It’s okay if it takes you a while to get there 10/

If loss debilitates you (and trust me, my high functioning def crashed and burned), that’s okay. If loss sends you into overdrive, that’s okay too. If loss confuses you, enrages you, breaks you, revolutionizes you, transforms you, it’s all okay. You’re where you need to be 11/

Mental health services are ideal throughout, even if you feel fine. Prophylactic therapy is my favorite kind. But you can only heal when you’re ready to. Don’t rush yourself, there’s no timeline or expiration date on grief. I thought I only had those first couple months 12/

And since I was “high-functioning” right after, I thought it was “too late” to break down a year later, 5 years later, 10 years later. It’s never too late to feel something. Emotions take their time and even if they hit you 40 years later, they’re still VALID ✨13/

My grief was complicated by PTSD which led to depression and anxiety. Often times the death itself isn’t the only trauma. The aftermath, each element of life that changes, the social nuances of dealing with other people, and relationships that ebb and flow, all play a role 14/

Be kind to yourself. Healing isn’t linear. I went from consistent therapy and doing just fine for years to still needing intensive outpatient treatment at a later point. That didn’t undo my past progress. It’s all still there, building slowly and shaping my sense of self 15/

Don’t underestimate your ability to reprocess, recondition, recalibrate and recreate your past self/emotions/coping mechanisms. For me, embracing vulnerability helps and sharing my story is my way to honor both my journey and my father’s memory 16/

I would go on to fail classes, question entire parts of my identity, and hit my fair share of rock bottoms. I’ve gained so much perspective (whether I wanted to or not 😂) and have experienced firsthand the benefits of storytelling in healing 17/

11 years later and of course I think of how different things could be. The milestones he missed, the memories we lost out on. I can also accept silver linings of great things that may not have happened if he were still alive. Which sometimes feels sacrilegious to say even now 18/

But that’s part of the process and it’s okay to move forward!! It doesn’t mean you’re leaving your loved one behind or forgetting them, it just means you’re in a place where you can hold their memory and still be present in this new phase of life without them 19/

I highly recommend the TedTalk below, which talks about how you don’t have to move on from grief but how you can (and likely should) move forward with it. I only found it a year ago and it reframed things well for me, which speaks to what a lifelong journey healing can be!! 🔚

We don't "move on" from grief. We move forward with it (Nora McInerny | TEDWomen 2018) ted.com/talks/nora_mci… via @TEDTalks