Thread by @drmagdalachery

I’ve received many messages acknowledging my strength & resiliency for how I’ve handled losing both my parents to #COVID19. While I am grateful for every bit of the encouragement. I want to openly share some of the ugly parts because healthcare workers are not superhuman. 1/12

In June, when I went back to seeing patients in my primary care role less than 60 days after losing both mom and dad. I’d cry in between visits. Wipe tears, then get back on camera for the next Telemedicine visit. I had available PTO days but wasn’t allowed to take them. 2/12

I suffered from severe insomnia right after Dad’s death which has not fully gone away. I don’t sleep for days at a time. Many times, as I start to fall asleep, I wake up & jump out of bed. Afraid I am dying or someone else I know, and love is dying. 3/12

I couldn’t hear ringtones for weeks. My phone had to stay on ‘Do Not Disturb’. Since every ring reminded me of the phone call from the hospital. Or it reminded me of the monitor sounds from a busy ICU. 4/12

I had many nightmares and flashbacks to patients I lost in residency. Those I coded, those I called time of death, other patients I help transition to hospice, & the phone calls I made to their families when I had to break the “bad” news. 5/12

Since mom died at home, I was the first to do her death exam. Just like in residency. My sister & I watched my mother’s body be carried out the door of our childhood home. When I called my moms pcp to inform her. She told me my mom was the 11th patient she lost to covid.. 6/12

My short-term memory was gone. I’d be talking & mid-sentence I’d forget what I was saying. I’d drive around & forget where I was going. It got so bad I had to walk around with a notebook to write everything down. When I couldn’t find my notebook, I’d develop a panic attack. 7/12

There were days I would stare into space. No emotions. No feelings. Other days, I’d ball out crying nonstop. Then I’d scroll social media to read comments of the pandemic or the virus not being real. And wonder am I living in an alternate universe? 8/12

My safe place became the floor. I felt like life took away my footing so to get it back I’d sit on the floor, against the wall, and close my eyes. I’d be there for seconds, minutes, and even hours sometimes. 9/12

I was angry. Angry at God. Angry at Healthcare. Angry at myself. I felt like I failed my parents. I asked myself if life was worth living a few times. 10/12

How I am still pushing through -
I got help.
I prioritized my mental health.
I leaned on family, friends, and community to make it through the last nearly 9 months. 11/12

Please understand how traumatic this year has been for many. Including those celebrated healthcare & essential workers. When we ask you to wear a mask, take precautions, stay safe at home. We are asking you to help us. Do your part. Because WE want this to be over too. 12/12