Thread by @BarristerSecret

*** JINGLE ALL THE WAY LIVE-TWEET: THE RULES***

This lecture explores the Christmas classic Jingle All The Way through the lens of English & Welsh law.

Contributions are welcome, but I'm perfectly prepared to tweet the entire film to a wall of embarrassed silence.

This paper considers, inter alia, how Arnie/Howard’s intrepid search for the perfect Christmas present might have been different had he, Sinbad and the whole gang been subject to the law of England and Wales.

Some basic rules so we’re all singing from the same song sheet:

As I am not an American lawyer, nor diligent enough to do the research, we assume that all activity takes place in the jurisdiction of England and Wales.

Also, there’s no presumption of doli incapax here. We’re treating all children as over the age of criminal responsibility (10 years, since you didn’t ask). So if we get a chance to prosecute Jamie, trust me - he’s heading for youth detention.

We start with some good clean Turbo Man fun.

Naturally we have to defer to autocorrect, so he is henceforth Turbot Man.

It’s Arnie! He’s such a hard worker. With such a lovely telephone manner.

I hope his devotion to his customers doesn’t impinge on his relationship with his family. That would be terrible.

Uh oh. Liz is mad.

And Arnie is speeding! Strike 1!

The Feds are after him! Fortunately he didn’t commit an offence of failing to stop. Which is good. So far, speeding aside, this is a law-abiding start.

This officer, though. Not entirely sure what powers the Road Traffic Act 1988 give him to humiliate Arnie in this way.

It’s Ted! Lovely, smiley, clearly-spends-every-night-til-3am-on-4chan-slagging-Chads-and-Stacys-one-day-his-hard-drive-is-going-to-be-Exhibit-A-in-a-Crown-Court-near-you Ted!

And he’s muscling in on Arnie’s family.

Jamie’s in a mard because Arnie was late.

IF HE HADN’T STOPPED FOR THE POLICE, HE’D HAVE COMMITTED A CRIMINAL OFFENCE, JAMIE. ADULT LIFE IS COMPLICATED. THERE WILL BE OTHER KARATE TOURNAMENTS.

If Arnie had laid down some truth at this stage, we might avoid the ensuing calamity.

The unspoken universal truth underlying this film, the philosophy at its heart - more vibrant and bursting with meaning than any message about the commercialisation of Christmas, the importance of family or the endurance of paternal love - is that Jamie is a spoiled little shit.

Arnie has promised the Turbot Man doll! And he’s forgotten to buy one! And they’re very popular so he’s never going to find one on Christmas Eve!

Also, Jamie is wanging on about the parade. I hope the relevant consents have been obtained under the Public Order Act 1986.

Ted has a reindeer. But does he have a licence as per s1 of the Dangerous Wild Animals Act 1976?

Ted does not qualify an exemption in s5, in that he is running neither a zoo, nor a pet shop or circus in Wales, so faces an unlimited fine.

As everybody knows.

It’s Sinbad! He wants the Turbot Man doll too! It’s a melee!

The shopkeeper things they’re a pair of right mugs.

I sense a crime on the way...

IT’S ASSAULT BY BEATING CONTRARY TO SECTION 39 OF THE CRIMINAL JUSTICE ACT 1988! TIMES 2!

One on the store assistant. Oof. That’s a maximum of 6 months’ custody right there. Aggravating feature in that the victim was performing a service to the public.

The second assault by beating involves using the remote controlled car to cause Sinbad to fall to the ground.

In fact, if Sinbad has sustained injury which is more than transient or trifling, we’re looking at assault occasioning actual bodily harm, max sentence 5 years. Ouch.

Ted is stealing the cookie! Theft from a dwelling, section 1 of the Theft Act 1968, maximum sentence 7 years.

Although, being completely honest, 7 years is unlikely for stealing a cookie.

Still wouldn’t put it past a certain someone to AG-Ref it though.

Schedule 1, paragraph 1 of the Dangerous Wild Animals Act 1976 says that yes, they very much are.

Don’t say I don’t contribute to public legal education.

https://twitter.com/theholybob/status/1340391391080411141

It’s chaos in the toy shop! Assaults-a-plenty!

And in fact, given that there are more than 12, all threatening violence for a common purpose, we may have a riot, contrary to s1 of the Public Order Act 1986.

Who could have predicted that?

ARNIE, NO. LEAVE THE CHILD ALONE.

The child’s mother is entirely justified in whacking the presumed “pervert” with her handbag. Reasonable defence of another.

Note: “I’m not a pervert, I’m looking for a Tubot Man doll” is unlikely to wash with the jury.

It’s the Santa factory!

NB: “They call me backdoor Santa” remains, IMHO, one of the filthiest lyrics in Christmas musical history. And I love it.

Now, there’s about to be a lot of violence. A *LOT*.

But before that, Arnie is not impressed with the knock-off doll, and rightly so. This is a giant conspiracy to commit offences contrary to the Copyright Designs and Patents Act 1988.

So, the violence. There’s a lot to process here, but some takeaways:

1. Arnie starts the violence. There is no way that his punching the first Santa for clucking like a chicken was lawful. The violent disorder that follows is his fault. Leading role. Cat 1A. 4 years’ custody.

2. There are potentially serious identification problems for a jury, given the ubiquitous costumery.

Turnbull applies. The jury should be warned about the risk of mistaken identification.

There’s also a joint enterprise question with some of the peripheral Santas.

On that note, the Court of Appeal confirmed last year that it is not appropriate to ask a defendant to put on the culprit’s clothing in front of the jury, to see if it fits.

So no Santa in the witness box when this 30-handed monstrosity goes to trial.

3. For fans of WWE/WWF, the big Santa is the multi-World Champion wrestler Big Show. Not a legal point, but important evidence that I have done some meaningful research for this exercise.

And Arnie impersonates a police officer (section 90 of the Police Act 1996) to bring that scene to a close.

We’re now at the radio station. And things are about to get spicy.

Have just found this excellent gif of the Santa VD. Sad I didn’t use it earlier. So using it now.

So. The letter bomb. It having been some years since I last watched this, I’d forgotten that this wasn’t simply a bomb hoax (section 51 Criminal Law Act 1977, max sentence 7 years) - Sinbad actually plants a viable device which *explodes*.

Mercifully, there appears to be no serious injury. But I’m still advising charging causing an explosion likely to endanger life or property, section 2 of the Explosives Substances Act 1883.

It requires the AG’s consent to charge, but as we’ve seen this week, she’ll run anything.

There’s an interesting (using the term very much in a lawyer’s sense) question re whether Sinbad intended to cause serious injury (law students, get your R v Woolin out). Given that he wasn’t sure it was viable, I think serious injury was foreseeable, but not a virtual certainty.

Explosives may pique the interest of the CPS Special Crime and Counter Terrorism Division.

QUERY: Is Sinbad acting for the purpose of advancing a political, religious, racial or ideological cause?

ANSWER: No that’s silly he just wants a doll

But let’s charge him anyway.

The advantage of charging Sinbad with an offence under the Terrorism Act 2006 (I’m leaning towards section 5) is that the govt is changing the law on release provisions so that he will have to serve his custodial sentence in full.

It also allows me to re-up this classic:

https://twitter.com/mrmichaelspicer/status/1224619601738137600

So Arnie has committed an offence of burglary (section 9(1)(a) Theft Act) by entering Pervy Ted’s house with intent to steal Johnny’s Turbot Man.

It doesn’t matter that he changed his mind once inside - the offence is completed when he enters as a trespasser with that intent.

Now the reindeer.

Repeat after me: YOU CANNOT PUNCH A REINDEER.

Not my words, Lynne, the words of section 1 of the Animal Welfare Act 2006.

I’ll be corrected, but I don’t think any realistic issue of self-defence arises, as Arnie was committing an offence of burglary when the reindeer attacked. The reindeer was only doing what reindeers are trained to do: gore burglars.

Arnie sets fire to Ted’s living room. Reckless rather than intentional, but it’s in an occupied dwelling, surrounded by highly flammable decorations and a giant tree, so it’s arson being reckless as to whether life is endangered. We’re adding that to the indictment.

While Arnie is punching a police officer at the parade (which we will charge as assaulting an emergency worker under the Assaults on Emergency Workers (Offences) Act 2018 to take advantage of the increased max sentence), Ted is sexually assaulting Liz (s3 Sexual Offences Act 03).

Liz punching Ted is most definitely lawful. Three cheers for Liz!

Meanwhile, John raises a good point:

https://twitter.com/johnhyde1982/status/1340402532884082693

NEVER

https://twitter.com/dorneylass/status/1340402829232619520

So, the parade. While no criticism can be made of Arnie for being roped in to impersonating Turbot Man, and we can put this down to a good ole clean mixup, Arnie has to take it too far.

But before that, HOW DOES JAMIE NOT RECOGNISE HIS OWN FATHER? HOW STUPID IS THIS KID?

Sinbad has assaulted Booster. +1 section 39 (although we may not need it given that the terrorism charges will give the court sufficient sentencing powers).

Ditto his assault on Arnie. This is small potatoes. Sinbad is a dangerous offender and will be lucky not to be lifed off.

Taking a pragmatic approach, we’ll probably deal with all the violence in the parade as a single joint count of affray (section 3 Public Order Act 1986). It’s a bit lazy, but the CPS are overstretched and, again, these boys are going away for a long time in any event.

Arnie’s flying! Through the living room window of a family enjoying dinner! That’s criminal damage in excess of £5,000. We’re going to charge it so that we can apply for compensation. The insurer shouldn’t have to lose out financially because of Arnie’s criminality.

Fair point. Booster sucks.

https://twitter.com/johnsmorton/status/1340404432018829314

Now. Arnie has saved Jamie’s life. And to aggravate this even more, he flies off with the child. Actually flies. Into the air.

Let’s look at the Sentencing Guideline for child cruelty.

Higher culpability due to real risk of death.

But the kid loved it. So no harm.

Cat 1C.

Arnie saves the day! Hurrah!

Jamie is safe! Fine, if you like that sort of thing.

And Jamie GIVES AWAY THE DOLL.

Because if he’s learned anything from his doting father, it’s that being a whiny entitled brat will get you anything you want in life no matter the human cost.

Jason raises a good point. I did actually briefly contemplate it, but this afternoon’s fun and games basically kaiboshed the whole idea. Basically, assuming they’re in Tier 4, the magistrates’ court is going to have a list of 25,000 cases on Monday.

https://twitter.com/jasonbraier/status/1340405885185699841

And it’s over! Astonishingly enough, we’ve made it through the whole 90 minutes!

CONCLUSIONS:

Sinbad is found to be a dangerous offender and gets life with a minimum term of 15 years.

Psychiatric reports confirm that Arnie too is a dangerous offender, but his risk can be managed under an Extended Determinate Sentence comprising a custodial term of 6 years with an extended licence of 4 years. He’ll have to serve 4 years before eligible for parole.

Pervy Ted gets 6 months’ immediate custody for sexual assault. He is prosecuted by the RSPCA for the illegal reindeer and gets a £20,000 fine. His trials are listed in April 2023.

My usual co-viewer has just entered. They boycotted tonight in favour of baking a Nigella cake.

Direct quote: “It’s not actually that much fun for me to watch a film while you sit in silence on Twitter for 90 minutes passing off my witticisms as your own.”

Anyway, that’s my cue

Thank you all SO much for indulging me. You’re all wonderful.

This has not been an easy day, for anyone. Thank you for helping with a much-needed distraction.

Have as wonderful a Christmas as you can, and take care of each other X

(Thread continues here)

https://twitter.com/BarristerSecret/status/1340398652146266113