Thread by @ClaireBerlinski

Merry Christmas, Christian friends! I know that for many of you, this will be the first Christmas you've spent alone in your home, far from your family, and bereft of your Christmas traditions.

Fortunately, Jews are here to help you get through this. See, this is what we always do on Christmas, and over the years, we've developed pandemic-proof Christmas traditions that you too can adopt. Here's how you do it:

1) Order Chinese food.

2. Watch a movie on Netflix.
3. Complain that everything's closed and there's nothing to do.

Voilà! You've celebrated a traditional Jewish Christmas.

There are many advantages to traditional Jewish Christmas: for one, you never get into some hideous fight with your family that makes you break out in psychosomatic hives. For another: You won't catch the virus.

(Though it's traditional to get food poisoning from the Chinese takeaway and say, "I *knew* I shouldn't have touched that shrimp." Otherwise, in the Chinese restaurant, the Lord has lifted the ban on pork dishes for the obedient children of Israel.)

So try it! Frankly, your Christmas celebrations have always sounded stressful to us. We congratulate you on the birth of your savior--in a polite way, mind you; no one wants to go into the details of what we really think about this, theologically--but don't envy you the stress.

Have yourself a nice, relaxed, Jewish Christmas this year. Order General Tso's chicken, flip on something you've long been meaning to watch on Netflix, and before you know it: The day will be over.

Usually, that means the next day, things will be back to normal. Not this time, I guess. But one day, they will be. It won't be that long.

So merry Jewish Christmas to all, and to all a good night.