Thread by @aubrey_li

Because I need to distract myself from the devastation that is Legend of Fei, here is a threadfic about 5 curses that people place on WWX that end up backfiring in happy (for WWX) ways. Let's go:

Not everyone is pleased by, or even believes in the exoneration of the Yiling Patriarch. There are some who feel that death was not sufficient punishment for his sins! His suffering should be horrific and eternal! So a bunch of like-minded cultivators band together to curse him.

But curses are dangerous! And even with a group sharing the backlash, it's still risky. So they decide to start small, for the first curse: Your Home is Lost to You.

WWX, travelling the jianghu, seldomly staying in the same place for two consecutive nights, doesn't notice.

He continues to not notice, even after he returns to the Cloud Recesses, heart fluttering every time he steals a glance over at LWJ(!) and sees him looking back(!!). Which is why he insists on staying in the guest quarters instead of in the Jingshi, for the duration of his stay.

He doesn't quite trust that he'll be able to refrain from throwing himself at LWJ with open arms and uh, legs, otherwise.

(LWJ, meticulously dressed in 6 layers of the sluttiest robes he owns: Am I A Joke To You, Wei Ying?)

In fact, the curse doesn't kick in until he flops down onto the bed (which, OW, because there are stone floors softer than Lan beds) and goes, "well, home sweet home for now, I guess."

Curse: OMG FINALLY *sets curtains on fire*

WWX, still pining over LWJ: is something burning?

When it happens again, in a different guest room ("wow, this feels just like home!" WWX says, when LWJ delivers him a meal topped with enough chili to drop an elephant), the Lans start to be...displeased. No one says anything to WWX's face, but WWX knows when he's Not Welcome.

WWX: haha this is probably a sign that I've overstayed my welcome, huh?

LWJ: You have not. Please stay in the Jingshi with me.

WWX: Lan Zhan. What if I end up destroying your home too?

Lan "try it I dare you" Wangji: That Will Not Happen.

WWX: h-hot. Uh, I mean, ok? Thanks!

So WWX moves in with LWJ, and the UST between them goes from "slow burn" to "masturbating on either side of a privacy screen to the other's soft, stifled moaning."

The curse hangs around for a while, but bc WWX never allows himself to see the Jingshi as home, nothing happens.

Eventually, the cultivators cursing WWX hear that he is now living in domestic sin with Hanguang-jun.

Cultivators: he's more powerful than we thought!

For the next curse, they go bigger: You Reveal All Your Secrets.

"Now he won't be able to conceal his thoughts!" they cry, coughing blood from the backlash. "The Lans will know of his treachery and slay him like the villain he is!"

The curse finds WWX leading a nighthunt with the Lan juniors, and takes effect immediately.

"That was clever, Sizhui," WWX says, beaming. "I'm so proud of the man you've become. When I hid you in the tree, all I'd hoped for was your survival. This is more than I could have ever wished for, for you. I've always thought of you as my own child."

Sizhui:

WWX: So, I might be cursed.

Sizhui: I agree. Also, *HUGS WWX*

Jingyi: yeah... Let's go home.

Lan junior #:1 ...so are we just going to ignore the fact that the YLLZ hid Sizhui in a tree?

Lan junior #2: ARE WE GOING TO IGNORE THE FACT THAT THE YLLZ IS SIZHUI'S DAD?

They send word ahead, so LWJ is waiting for them at the gates, looking concerned. "Wei Ying? What happened?"

"Oh, it's nothing, Lan Zhan," WWX deflects, unsuccessfully. "You don't have to worry, I'm just very cursed with speaking everything that's on my mind. Which is a problem

because I know that's going to worry you and I've already done so much to worry you. I've only ever wanted to make you happy but I know all I've done is make you sad and I'm afraid that nothing I can ever make up for all that sadness."

LWJ:

Juniors:

WWX: Help

LWJ immediately takes WWX away. "What can I do?"

"Love me back the way I love you," WWX says, and then smacks both hands over his mouth in horror.

LWJ doesn't even twitch. "I already do. What else?"

What? "What? How? WHY? But I'm--and YOU'RE--"

And that's how they discover that one way to fight the curse is for WWX's brain to just be too... ahem, "overloaded" to have linear, conscious thought.

LWJ: how do you feel, Wei Ying?

WWX, a puddle barely able to maintain physical form: mrrngh

LWJ:😌

Occupying WWX with questions can also fight the curse. The juniors discover this when they find WWX debating Lan scholars on cultivation theory.

Sizhui: should we intervene?

Jingyi: why? Wei-qianbei's winning

Sizhui: are you taking notes??

Jingyi: I haven't finished my essay!

Anyway, they manage to find a cure for this curse and WWX spends the next three days in blissful silence, with a rotating parade of Lans bringing him soothing drinks for his throat.

In fact, he is so silent that some Lans worry that he's been cursed again, with silence this time

LQR, head pounding after hearing WWX's voice non-stop for a week: would that, in fact, be a curse?

Once again, the cultivators hear that WWX has NOT been executed for his crimes, his body laid out as an example for the world to see! In fact, he and HGJ are... romantically involved now?? AND PLANNING MARRIAGE??? Surely that must be a lie!

"We must work harder," they promise.

Curse #3 is You are Haunted by the Sins of Your Past. As WWX is a mass murderer, he'll surely be driven mad by the ghosts of the people of whom he robbed of life!

(Yes, they forgot that he's a necromancer who meets 3 impossible ghosts before lunch (he's not awake for breakfast))

Unbeknownst to the cultivators, though, some within their group are getting tired of suffering backlash every time they cast a curse, and kind of phoned it in a little. Which means that this curse ends up being only strong enough to haunt WWX with the sins of his RECENT past.

That night, WWX has a nightmare. Which is not unusual in itself, though these days LWJ tires him out so much that he barely dreams, period. In this nightmare, he's trapped in parched earth, helpless, with a savage sun overhead that saps him of life until he's shriveled to nothing

WWX, bolting upright in bed, in an inn three days travel from the Cloud Recesses: OH FUCK I FORGOT ABOUT 九心凤藤

LWJ, still mostly asleep: 九心凤藤... our houseplant?

WWX: I'M A MONSTER

LWJ: Wei Ying, it's just a plant

WWX: OUR SECOND CHILD, LEFT TO DIE OF THIRST

(九心凤藤 = Nine Heart Phoenix Vine, name courtesy of @wwxsAJ1s; the idea itself is credited to @hyacinthsuns and @bee_off_main, who are forever patient with my cracktastic ideas)

Alas, 九心凤藤 is a sad, dried up husk by the time they return to the Cloud Recesses. WWX is inconsolable; even more so when LWJ frowns upon the idea of WWX experimenting with plant necromancy.

LWJ gets WWX a replacement plant a week later, and makes sure that there is always someone assigned to water it whenever the two of them are away.

WWX, kicking preliminary plant necromancy notes under the bed: I love you so much, Lan Zhan.

"So," one of the cultivators says, a while later, "I hate to bring up the obvious, but I don't think this curse worked either."

"We knew WWX would be a difficult opponent," another says, grimly.

"Maybe... too difficult?" someone says, hopefully "We could consider stopping?"

"That's quitter talk!" snarls the leader of the cultivators. "No, the problem is that we've been TOO SOFT. A monster like WWX deserves an equally monstrous response!"

"I have an idea!" another pipes up. "Let's curse him to never know the pleasure of a woman!"

"THAT'S IT!"

"Uh, is it though? I mean, aren't he and Hanguang-jun... you know."

"Yeah, didn't they get married a few months back?"

"That's just rumor," says the leader, who's one of those people that's so straight he can't imagine anyone NOT being straight. "What man doesn't want a woman?"

"A man getting it on the regular from Hanguang-jun," the detractor mutters, as his friends sigh wistfully.

"Why stop there?" another says, getting into it now. "Let's curse him with the worst fate of all: CHILDLESSNESS."

The gathered cultivators are collectively slammed with the memory of every single family gathering where every conversation went: "Are you married yet? You can't wait too long or all the good ones will be taken! It's all because you didn't become a doctor.

Lao-Liu's son is a doctor, and HE'S married with THREE children! When are you going to have children? You're not getting any younger, you know. Who will take care of you when you're old? And I want grandchildren! Are you going to deny me my greatest wish? UNFILIAL CHILD!"

"That's perfect," the leader says, awed by just the thought of it. "We'll cast them both."

The fourth curse: You Shall Never Know the Pleasure of a Woman's Touch, and the fifth curse: You Shall Never Father Children, are the most intensely powerful curses they've ever attempted.

The energy needed to cast two simultaneous curses is tremendous. Only the most powerful of the cultivators even attempt it, and they're bedridden for weeks afterward.

But it'll all be worth it! They've DOOMED the Yiling Patriarch, stamped out his line from the world forevermore!

Half a year later, it is time for the annual Discussion Conference. This year, it's held by the Cloud Recesses. Naturally, the group of cultivators attend. They can't wait to see what WWX looks like, after 6 months of suffering two curses! He's probably barely clinging to sanity!

Hanguang-jun, as acting-acting sect leader while his uncle (acting sect leader) is in secluded meditation (apparently he'd suffered a shock of some kind?) and his brother (actual sect leader) is also in seclusion -- greets them at the gate.

Also greeting them at the gate is WWX.

He's dressed head to toe in Lan finery, glowing with health and good humour.

And extremely, visibly, RAPTUROUSLY pregnant.

"I know, right?" WWX chirps, beaming like the sun when he notices one of the cultivators openly gaping at his belly. "I can't explain it either, no one can, even though we scoured the Lan libraries. I guess the heavens just decided to bless us with this gift!"

"Hngrk," he says.

"Oh, I think the baby just moved! Ah, so active already, you must take after your father, little one. The healers say we're probably getting a girl, but we won't know for sure. I personally like the surprise. Do you want to feel?"

"AJFSDK," he says, but sticks out his hand.

"Isn't she a miracle?" WWX asks, the picture of happiness.

"A miracle," the cultivator agrees, and wants to cry.

(Their group disbands after that. Clearly, defeating WWX is a wall too high for them to climb.)

THE END

Thank you!

This could not have happened without the support and input from my beloved friends, from whom I stole liberally: @sanlanglovemail @bee_off_main @hyacinthsuns ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️