Coming up to this time four years ago, where I was taking a selfie every single day and tagging it #stillhere because getting through a day took monumental effort. Now, now I'm doing good. Some days are hard, some are joyful, some are okay. I am glad to be alive. 
You can slip into survival mode, bit by bit, then one day, one day your energy isn't focused solely on keeping breathing. Then it is days, weeks, and months in a row, and you can give energy to other things. Things can get better. They might still be hard sometimes and that's ok.
If you're struggling right now, I am sorry things are so tough. But please, stay. You matter to people, and that voice that tells you are only a burden, that they'd be better off without you- it lies. I know it feels like truth in your bones, but trust me, it lies.
And grief... grief is hard. Anniversaries are hard. But the sorrow I feel now, leading up to them is tempered by time, it is still sharp, sometimes, but it is no longer so unrelenting and overwhelming.
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