Coming up to this time four years ago, where I was taking a selfie every single day and tagging it #stillhere because getting through a day took monumental effort. Now, now I'm doing good. Some days are hard, some are joyful, some are okay. I am glad to be alive.
You can slip into survival mode, bit by bit, then one day, one day your energy isn't focused solely on keeping breathing. Then it is days, weeks, and months in a row, and you can give energy to other things. Things can get better. They might still be hard sometimes and that's ok.
If you're struggling right now, I am sorry things are so tough. But please, stay. You matter to people, and that voice that tells you are only a burden, that they'd be better off without you- it lies. I know it feels like truth in your bones, but trust me, it lies.
And grief... grief is hard. Anniversaries are hard. But the sorrow I feel now, leading up to them is tempered by time, it is still sharp, sometimes, but it is no longer so unrelenting and overwhelming.
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Years ago, I literally heard a guy call out homophobic stuff at the footy. I tweeted about it. I did a radio interview about it. Someone rang up and said they were sitting with the guy and he didn't say it.
People said I should have rung the complaints line, or called security down. You know what happens when you call security down as a rule when you're a spectator? Security just stand there for a bit.
They "give the benefit of the doubt", and other people might be "oh I didn't hear anything 🤷♀️" and "oh I didn't mean it like that." It is frustrating and demoralising and hurtful.
Flames have been added. Didn't hurt as much as last time, but it was a fair bit less work.
And I've booked my right arm for mid-february. Dragon themed this time, using the same artist because he is queer friendly, Anti-Racist and I like his aesthetic. And when that is done, the scars from 17 will be gone.
My baby. Swollen, little sore, but already very happy with the addition of fire.
Do people understand what I actually mean in my bio when I say I am a poster child for mental health. 😅
It means I experience a wide spectrum of mental health conditions, and I go to a lot of therapy. It doesn't mean I know everything (or anything). I have two full time treating clinicians. I speak from lived experience, and some days I feel like I know nothing.
Sometimes I am deeply unwell, and still so much risk I need to be hospitalised. Other times I can go speak at a national conference about suicide prevention. It isn't meant to be like some weird humble brag that I am the picture of perfect health.
Gotta go make a became, lasagne waits for no person.
Bechamel, but thanks, autocorrect. I like to spray a piece of foil cook covered for 35 and then, remove, put grated cheese on top when I put the garlic bread in.
And back in you go. I actually did it in a larger tray, with less layers, than usual, so it would cook faster. It will be on the saucer, but definitely still delicious side.
A lot of people are having trauma responses, and they don't even know it. Now trauma isn't a free pass to be an asshole, but one of the ways it can manifest is through 'over controlling'. They're scared, trying to push down that fear by attacking everyone around them.
Now, trauma doesn't make you a racist, but being a racist does inflict trauma.
When you're triggered and vulnerable (and being vulnerable feels unsafe), this can lead to fear. In a desperate attempt to avoid that fear, and lack of control, people can try to control everything.
Someone disagrees with you and threatens what you're using to make sense of the universe? You attack, because it feels like an attack on you, and what you think is keeping you safe.