Thread by @__apf__

Achieving Mindfulness: An Introductory Guide For Parents In Small Apartments & Crowded Homes 🧵

1) Start your mindfulness journey with a shower. Count to three as you breathe hot steam in, then let it out. Stay in the shower until a child breaks a limb or your spouse’s spirit, whichever comes first.

2) Repetitive tasks free the mind from worry. Luckily, you can practice mindful repetition in your own home! Sixteen times a day, your children’s insatiable hunger gives you the opportunity to slather peanut butter on celery. After 6 months, you'll be COMPLETELY FREE FROM WORRY.

3) While you’re in the kitchen, take note: the sound of the garbage disposal is quite soothing. If you do not find it soothing, the problem is your attitude.

4) Close your eyes and picture a candle’s flame. Do you feel the heat? Wow, that feels real. OK, getting a little uncomfortable now. Wait, what the fuck. Ashlynn, who gave you these? How did you learn to use matches? Where is your brother?

5) You feel the ground beneath your feet, the air in your lungs, and the warmth of your home. The past no longer weighs on you, and the future is not currently your concern. “I live in the present now,” you tell your spouse when he asks why the living room rug is on fire.

6) To develop a deep theoretical understanding of the practice of mindfulness, google “what i s mindflness.” Instead of Google, you can also ask Bing, DuckDuckGo, or your know-it-all college roommate who moved to Madrid and probably fucking meditates.

7) Install the Headspace app on your phone. On tomorrow morning’s Zoom call, tell your coworkers how you’ve started meditating to be more present and, like, connected to yourself. Never open the app.

Therapists, people with podcasts, and your middle school bully who’s now a thin Instagram influencer all agree: mindfulness is an essential part of emotional well-being in today’s uncertain world. I am glad that with these 7 tips, you are now all mindfulness experts too.