Thieves within CBD keep on inventing new styles of robbing people. Slightly less than a year ago, I was almost robbed inside Jeevanjee Gardens. At that time, the CBD was deserted following the widespread COVID-19 fears. The first case had been announced in Kenya a month earlier.
Businesses had closed, people had panic-shopped, and locked themselves in their houses. A curfew had been announced. Nairobi CBD was very deserted. On this day, I went to meet someone in town. Whoever I was meeting ran late. I had to wait for him.
I walked to Jeevanjee Gardens to wait for him. Like the rest of the CBD, Jeevanjee Gardens was deserted. Most of the benches were empty. While sitting, a man, frail and dressed in an oversized suit, walked towards my bench. I was alarmed.
I wondered why he ignored the empty benches in the garden for the one I was occupying. I stopped using my phone and hid it inside the backpack that I was carrying. Why was he walking to my bench at a time when everyone adhered strictly to the 2-meter social distancing rule?
He sat at the far end of the bench. He seemed harmless until he started coughing, rough coughs. I moved a distance from him to sit on the other edge. People who coughed at that time were treated like the Biblical leprosy patients.
Unexpectedly, he turned to my side and side, 'bro, nipee 200 sai ama nikukoholee kwa mapua.' At first, I ignored his threats. Why would someone threaten to cough close to me if I didn't give him 200?
He raised his voice and said, 'bro, nimesema nipee 200 sai .
Ama nikuje nikukoholee kwa mapua pia wewe upate Corona kaa mimi,' his coughing intensified. When I ignored him for the second time, he pulled his mask off and stood to walk in my direction. I think I have never flown out of a place with such a speed like on that day.

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More from @CSakwah

3 Feb
A friend of mine has been mugged in town. 5 men surrounded him and installed a phone inside his pocket. They then instructed him to empty his M-pesa account and his wallet. Failure to which, they would have accused him of robbing them and set a mob justice on him.
After emptying his wallet and M-Pesa (he sent them money to an M-pesa number, registered), they disappeared. As the thugs were walking away, he thought of shouting to alert the mass. He says he was confused and frighten. He walked to two men who had been standing near the scene.
He wanted to share his ordeal with them. Maybe he thought of reprimanding them for not coming to his aid. As soon his he pouted his lips to talk, one of them told him, ‘we are part of the gang and we are still watching you. Remember you still have the phone in your pocket!’
Read 4 tweets
21 Jan
STORY THREAD

My landlord uses very unorthodox means when reminding us to pay rent in case a tenant has delayed paying his/her rent. His tactics when doing this ranges from dramatic to buffoonery, to bizarre depending on how long a tenant has delayed settling the monthly rent.
Illegal is the word, I guess. When one settles his/her rent on time, he is a generous, wise, and outgoing man. However, failing to pay his house rent on time is where he draws the line between business and friendship.
Three days after moving into this house, I needed to change my shower head. I called the landlord that morning. He came over and okayed the change. He connected me to an electrician who turned out to be his eldest son.
Read 42 tweets
14 Jan
Story Thread

This babe, my ex now, used to prepare the most delicious homemade meals that I have ever taken. She was a hotelier. After dating her for a few months, I started noting offbeat characters that were toxic. I ignored them because I did not want to go back to eating
my poorly prepared meals. She used to do my laundry as well. Her house chore skills were impeccable. I tolerated the toxic trails because she cooked good meals, did laundry, and kept the house in order. While at it, I almost plunged myself into depression. She was a Dholuo.
She used to receive late night calls from some Luo guy with whom they would chitchat in Dholuo. She always insisted that the guy was her colleague, a harmless colleague. During those long and daunting calls, I used to hover around social media to kill time or play chess online.
Read 44 tweets
6 Jan
STORY THREAD

Kenyans will incite you into chaos while they sit back at home and watch you burn in the mayhem. For the better part of the festive period, Kenyans on social media were circulating inciting memes, videos, and writings daring the police to try and stop them from
having New Year’s midnight eve celebrations away from their homes, against the curfew restrictions. And I fell for that, imprudently.
My initial New Year’s midnight plans were to spend the year crossover on the rooftop of my apartment filming the fireworks launched into the sky
from Two Rivers Mall, Rosyline Riviere Mall, and the Village Market.
At around 8:30 PM, my friend, in Makongeni, Thika, called me with a better New Year’s eve form that was too good to slide. Having known Kenyans to defy government orders once they had set their minds on doing
Read 64 tweets
28 Dec 20
STORY THREAD

Last Saturday, a friend I was with in a club in Westlands picked up a fight with two guys. He was thoroughly beaten as I watched. Today, he has sent me a long text message lambasting me for being a fake friend for I sat out of the fight instead of helping him.
He expected me to help him as friends do and because he was the one who had bought the booze that we were taking. There are two reasons why I chose to enjoy while he was being clobbered instead of fighting alongside him.
When I was 12-years old, I moved to my aunt’s place. She owned a large parcel of land that stretched onto the riverbank of River Sio. A large portion of the land that bordered the river was unused. It was a bush where we used to herd her cattle.
Read 27 tweets
27 Dec 20
I rarely write erotic pieces. Why not today?
There is this fine but promiscuous babe in our apartment that is generous with her coochie. She spreads her legs indiscriminately. It is well known that she has been tapped by almost every tenant this year.
The landlord has laid her for rent. The gateman has had his time HER. The guy who collects waste from our apartment has also slept with her.
I am the only tenant that hasn’t tapped her. As the year drew towards the end, I thought I should finally get my moment with her.
I was on a dry spell. Recently, I haven’t been getting laid as much as I used to. 26th Dec, Boxing Day, was to be the day.
In the morning, I cleaned my house thoroughly in anticipation of encroaching on her public land. I was so sure she was not going to say no to me.
Read 12 tweets

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