Thread by @TheSpoonyOne

Bilbo: Hey, Thorin.

Thorin: What now, Dumbo?

Bilbo: It's... it's Bilbo, actu--

Thorin: I know what it is.

Bilbo: I was just, well, I guess I'm a little unclear as to what my role in all this is.

Thorin: Join the fucking club.

Gandalf: We seek the Arkenstone, Bilbo.

Bifur: Aye, to Erebor, home of our people and the most precious of jewels.

Bilbo: Ah.

Thorin: And with it, our kin are restored to our mountain home.

Bilbo: How's that?

Thorin: How's what?

Bilbo: Well, I'm to steal this Arkenstone, and then what?

Thorin: That's it.

Bilbo: So the Arkenstone will destroy the dragon in the mountain?

Thorin: No, of course not.

Bilbo: So I get the Arkenstone. But won't the dragon still, like... be there?

Thorin: So?

Bilbo: And unimaginably pissed-off?

Thorin: Fucking A. I would be.

Bilbo: But... how...

Bilbo: I guess what I'm wondering is what the Arkenstone actually DOES.

Thorin: Is this guy fucking serious?

Bombur: It's the Arkenstone, lad. Most prized relic of Dwarfkin.

Bilbo: But *why?*

Bombur: You haven't *seen* it.

Gloin: These Hobbits must be kin to Gully Dwarves.

Bilbo: No, fine, I get it. The Arkenstone will inspire your people to rise up and defeat the dragon.

Thorin: Well, not... not as such, no.

Oin: Remember when we found it?

Gloin: Aye, things really went to shite, didn't they?

Bifur: Drove our King right barmy.

Gloin: Had the bloody thing set atop his throne and just sort of fondled it for weeks at a time.

Oin: Just about ran the entire bloody kingdom into the ground doing naught but mining gold morning, noon, and night.

Balin: Remember the grand feast the King hosted on Mithrildusk?

Oin: Two words, lad: Arkenstone Codpiece.

Gloin: Nothin' but.

Oin: The main course was Gold Coin Casserole and Gold Stew. The King spent all night Arkenhumping a golden statue of himself in the--

Thorin: ENOUGH

Bifur: Ay by my troth, I'd nae eaten so much gold in me fockin' life.

Bilbo: You ATE gold?

Bifur: Mornin' after takin' a shite sounded like a fockin' slot machine payout.

Bilbo: So why am *I* here?

Thorin: Ask Mithrandir because I don't know. Marched three-motherfucking-quarters across Middle-Earth for your retarded ass.

Bilbo: HEY!

Gandalf: THORIN.

Thorin: I can say it. My uncle Gróin was retarded.

Gandalf: That's... not how--

Thorin: BAH.

Gandalf: You see, Bilbo, the fell dragon SMAUUGH lies deep in the slumber of a meat coma after all the Dwarves he's eaten.

Bilbo: A m-meat-c--

Gandalf: SMAUUGH knows well the scent of Dwarfmeat. But he has no idea what Hobbits smell like.

Bilbo: Yeah but... aren't we all meat?

Thorin: I have no idea if that was an insult, but I'm going to take it as one so fuck you.

Bilbo: I MEAN he's still going to smell *something* meaty. And MAYBE he's up for something other than Dwarfmeat with sixty pounds of hair.

Gandalf: My plan is great.

Bilbo: Your plan sucks!

Oin: I like it.

Gloin: Works for me.

Balin: No turning back now!

Thorin: Yeah and I will remind you that your retar--

Gandalf: *AHEM-HEM*

Thorin: Your gifted, special ass signed the contract. Good luck, asshole.

Gandalf: Calm yourself, Bilbo. You'll find a way.

Bilbo: But what if I fail?

Gandalf: Well, don't!

Bilbo: But what if I *do?*

Gandalf: Look, I planned this.

Bilbo: So what's the backup plan?

Gandalf: My plan is great.

Bilbo: I just think I'd feel better about this if... well... can't you use your magic to help, somehow?

Gandalf: I don't see how.

Bilbo: Like... do you know a spell that could make me invisible or something?

Gandalf: Invisible.

Bilbo: Yeah.

Gandalf: How would that help?

Bilbo: Well, think about it. An invisible burglar could steal anything. You'd never even know he was there.

Gandalf: You've completely lost me, here.

Bilbo: A magic potion, or... a magic ring that would make me invisible--

Gandalf: This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Bifur: HAW HAW! An invisible burglar!

Gandalf: By Ilúvatar, Thorin, I take it back. He is retarded.

Thorin: Let's start with a silent burglar from now on. No more talking from the Chosen One.

Gandalf: Everyone keep an eye out for Maaaaaagic Invisiblity Rings oooooooh!

Bilbo: (muttering) rzzafrzzin useless fake wizardinrzz

Gandalf: Wait! Did anyone else hear that?!

Oin: It sounded like Bilbo!

Bombur: But where is he?! He was here but a moment ago!

Bifur: Mayhap 'ee found a magic invazeebil ring! Wait! Me coin purse! Someone's nicked it!

Gandalf: Let's just squash this little fantasy of yours right now: *this* is a magic Ring. A proper one.

Bilbo: Really? So... what does it do?

Gandalf: 'Twas made by the Elves, long before the Third Age of Middle-Earth, and bound within it a power known to but a few.

Bilbo: And *what* does it *do?*

Gandalf: It is the Elven Ring of Fire.

Bilbo: It commands FIRE?! That's amazing!

Gandalf: I was not *FINISHED*. It does far more than "command fire." It radiates a vague sense of hope and courage.

Bilbo: ...

Gandalf: It also makes fireworks.

Bilbo: Well I *have* seen the fireworks, at least. You're famous throughout the Shire for your fireworks. But I thought those were just creations of basic elements and chemicals.

Gandalf: Yeah, well, now you know better.

Bilbo: Can you make them into weapons?

Gandalf: *sigh*

Gandalf: Okay, Archwizard Bilbo. Explain to this simple immortal demigod just how fireworks could be made into weapons.

Thorin: Someone write this down.

Bilbo: Fine. All right. I will. Say I had one of your fireworks. And I threw it at you. Like, RIGHT at you.

Gandalf: ...Why?

Bilbo: It would explode, wouldn't it?

Gandalf: That follows.

Bilbo: Right in your face.

Gandalf: You're supposed to shoot them straight up into the sky, though.

Bilbo: But I *didn't*. I threw it in your face. It would explode right in your face and kill you.

Gandalf: I...

Bilbo: You're getting it. Picture it in your mind. you're *so close.*

Gandalf: I... but... they go up to boom... why...

Thorin: Is he okay?

Oin: His nose is bleeding.

Gandalf: Gk-- hnt--

Thorin: Bilbo, whatever you're doing, stop!

Bilbo: I'm not doing anything!

Thorin: RUN

Bilbo: GANDALF!

**SLAP!!!**

Gandalf: AHHH... AHHH... I... I feel so... so strange...

Thorin: Gandalf...?

Gandalf: G-... Gandalf...? That was what they used to call me...

Thorin: Oh man.

Bilbo: Here. Sit down and drink some water.

Thorin: What are you doing?

Bilbo: I want to take a look at this ring of his. I'll give it back. Oh!

Gloin: It shrank to fit his tiny finger!

Bilbo: Huh. I don't *feel* any dHNNNNK-!

Thorin: Whoa.

Bilbo: KNO3+S+C = K2S+CO2+N2

Fili: What's he saying?

Thorin: I know not!

Bilbo: Nitroglycerin C3H5N3O9, Pentaerythritol tetranitrate C5H8N4O12, Hexanitrohexaazaisowurtzitane C6H6N12O12

((Thorin smashes his oaken shield over Bilbo's head))

Bilbo: ...Oh... Hey you guys.

Kili: Bilbo? You feel all right?

Bilbo: Oh! Hi Kili. Yeah...! You know what? I feel... I feel just fine...!

Kili: O-kay...

Bilbo: Hey. Thanks, Kili. For asking. Really.

Kili: Yeah... no... no problem.

Bilbo: No, really. Thanks. I love you, man.

Thorin: Someone shut him up.

Bilbo: Thorin. This guy. Let me tell you about this guy. There are Dwarves, and then there's Thorin.

Thorin: Shut. Up.

Bilbo: I mean it, man. The real gold isn't in some mountain. It's right here. In your heart. C'mere.

Thorin: This is seriously freaking me out.

Bilbo: You know why that is? It's 'cause people are too shy to tell each other things like that, and it's the sort of thing we need to hear more! You. Are. Loved. I love you guys.

Thorin: Start walking. Now.

Bilbo: Let's see a smile!

Kili: I have to say, Bilbo, you actually smell really nice.

Bilbo: Thanks!

Kili: What is that?

Bilbo: Sandalwood, a touch of patchouli. The Old Gaffer gave me this cologne for my birthday.

Kili: Huh. It's nice. Everyone smell Bilbo.

Thorin: You're gaying the whole group!!