X : We've built a data lake.
Me : Good on you.
X : How do we get the best ROI?
Me : Have you tried asking for a refund or returning the lake to the supplier?
X : ?
Me : If you're asking the ROI question after you've built it, I already know you have zero situational awareness ...
... which means you don't know why you built it or what you're looking for. Instead you spent a bucket load of money on something because it seemed like a good idea or you read an article in HBR that others were doing this. I'd try and get a refund.
X : We want to be a data driven organisation.
Me : Words which are meaningless without an understanding of your landscape, your context ... wait ... I have solution ...
X : ?
Me : I can sell you six boxes of agile and an extra portion of innovation. Would you like ketchup?
X : I need to scale. Can you send me one huge box of Agile?
Me : I'll add that to your order. There's also a 10% discount on innovation if you buy in bulk and we've a special of the week (only slightly beyond use by date) on bimodal. Ketchup?
X : What does the order come in?
Me : Yes, it comes in a container ... that's your bill going up seven fold. For that you can have ketchup for free. Can I interest you in a bit of hybrid, one previous owner, lightly used ... well, not used at all actually.

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More from @swardley

25 Feb
Debate over the NHS was lost in the last election. We need to accept the electorate are unwilling to defend it. Focus should be "Given ongoing privatisation of the NHS, what safeguards will be put in place to protect the poorest and prevent inevitable corporate failures?" ->
Labour must learn from the election that the electorate doesn't believe a national NHS, broadband, railways or free education or tackling climate change is possible. Reality is irrelevant, it only matters what the electorate believe. Win that and then show what's possible ...
... I must admit, I felt revulsion at the dark lord of spin, Peter Mandelson, returning to run Labour strategy. I now, on reflection, realise what a shrewd move that is and one that should be welcomed. Starmer is playing the right game here.
Read 7 tweets
25 Feb
"we've had enough of politics being polluted" ... the problem is, the electorate hasn't. We had our Clement Attlee moment with Corbyn, the people firmly said "no" ->
X : People were lied to.
Me : It doesn't matter. Majority of Brits didn't trust Johnson but they wanted the strongman and the fantasy over Corbyn. Get real ... half of all conservative members think Trump would be a good PM - businessinsider.com/poll-donald-tr…
This is all wrapped up in concepts like belonging and the sense of safety we have within the collective even if the collective mistreats us. Corbyn offered reform but that's a frightening concept. I know Starmer seems bland and Tory light but that is what is needed to win.
Read 5 tweets
24 Feb
Listening to Monday's HoC. "Zero COVID" is extreme, and "living with COVID like flu" is practical ... hmmm ... "Countries trying to eliminate the virus have been far more successful and economically better off than those that have tried to suppress it" - theguardian.com/world/commenti…
... whilst I praise the NHS on vaccination efforts (which are fabulous), and last March I did think it would take us 18 months to overcome this (Sept 21), I am now doubtful that without a focus on "zero COVID" that we will be over this before the next general election ...
... to describe "zero COVID" as extremism is daft as far as I am concerned and ignores the approaches of others. I'd be more cautious on issues of mutation, widespread infection, therapeutic vs prophylactic treatment and vaccines with reduced targets.
Read 5 tweets
23 Feb
X : "The resilient resists shocks and stays the same"
Me : Since when? Life is resilient, it doesn't just resist shocks it constantly adapts and improves.
X : That's antifragile.
Me : Gorm.
X : Eh?
Me : I have redefined the answer to everything to be gorm, so you can be gormless.
X : You don't like antifragile?
Me : It has its uses. In my case, I use it as a shibboleth.
X : You're not a fan?
Me : Look, you can use whatever word you want just don't start telling me that resilient now means something other than resilient.
To make it simple, this is the way that I look at the space ... if there was a missing word then it was "fuid". I do understand what you mean by antifragile, I just can't seperate it from resilience because it is included in resilience ...
Read 12 tweets
22 Feb
X : When do you think people will be returning to offices?
Me : Some won't be, some companies will have adapted. The isolation economy (caused by COVID) was an accelerator of an underlying change not the cause of it ...
... you didn't think that in the future as humankind spreads beyond the shores of our own planet that we'd be having face to face meetings as though we all lived in the same village with the same elder's hut? It's a throwback to the past, a constraint, a lack of vision ...
... even within the confines of our own planet we've been adapting and learning to work in a distributed fashion for the last few decades. Sure, traditions of the past are difficult to give up on but we've been heading that way slowly, reluctantly, with much stamping of feet ...
Read 10 tweets
21 Feb
X : Are you in favour of capitalism?
Me : That's like asking me whether I'm in favour of Agile? Capitalism is a tool which has an appropriate context. So yes, I'm in favour in its appropriate context. The dogma of using a tool as a "one size fits all" is extremism.
X : So, you're anti-capitalist?
Me : Do you not understand context? I'm in favour of using capitalism in appropriate contexts and using other systems when it is not appropriate. The capitalism vs anti-capitalism debate is as full of religious zealots as agile vs six sigma debate.
... all of these one size fits all dogmas - "our methods is best and works everywhere" - are just examples of extremism peddled by people often with self interest. They do not look to the benefit of the system as a whole.
Read 20 tweets

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