Thread by @swardley

X : We've built a data lake.
Me : Good on you.
X : How do we get the best ROI?
Me : Have you tried asking for a refund or returning the lake to the supplier?
X : ?
Me : If you're asking the ROI question after you've built it, I already know you have zero situational awareness ...

... which means you don't know why you built it or what you're looking for. Instead you spent a bucket load of money on something because it seemed like a good idea or you read an article in HBR that others were doing this. I'd try and get a refund.

X : We want to be a data driven organisation.
Me : Words which are meaningless without an understanding of your landscape, your context ... wait ... I have solution ...
X : ?
Me : I can sell you six boxes of agile and an extra portion of innovation. Would you like ketchup?

X : I need to scale. Can you send me one huge box of Agile?
Me : I'll add that to your order. There's also a 10% discount on innovation if you buy in bulk and we've a special of the week (only slightly beyond use by date) on bimodal. Ketchup?

X : What does the order come in?
Me : Yes, it comes in a container ... that's your bill going up seven fold. For that you can have ketchup for free. Can I interest you in a bit of hybrid, one previous owner, lightly used ... well, not used at all actually.