Thread by @monaeltahawy

In 2011 when my arms were both casts, unable to do simplest of things for myself & adrift in a bottomless pit of grief, I felt I'd been robbed of beauty. I could present my 2 broken arms & say “Here are my wounds” but what to point to in explaining what trauma had robbed from me.

Beauty, it had stolen beauty. And so bit by bit I rebuilt it.

After a visit to the orthopedic surgeon’s clinic, I would find a nearby nail salon and get my nails manicured and painted green and tweet the pictures - complete with a cast covering half of my hands.

Here I am, my green nails said. One step in front of another trying to walk forward to beauty: “listen I love you joy is coming.” (See Kim Addonizio poem in essay)

I was building what I call Deliberate Beauty feministgiant.com/p/deliberate-b…

I also became a regular at the hair salon. The first day I went in, everyone from receptionist to stylists to colourists, buoyed me in a protective shell of affection and care. Stylists who weren’t doing anything would volunteer to wash my hair.

My 30 minutes at the salon were a most necessary respite for my heart, adrift and bereft. That community of love and beauty whispered to that heart “We know you’re strong. Look at what you survived. You can be soft here, we’ve got you.” feministgiant.com/p/deliberate-b…

When my arms were still broken, I promised myself that when my casts came off, I would get a tattoo on each arm. There is a scar on my left forearm where the orthopedic surgeon cut into my arm to adjust a compound fracture I received via Egyptian police. theguardian.com/world/2011/dec…

As proud as I am of that scar, it is a refrain to grief, and I did not choose that mark. I wanted a marking that I chose. My 1st tattoo honoured my Egyptian heritage through the goddess Sekhmet (right arm). My 2nd tattoo honoured my 1st language Arabic via calligraphy (left arm)

I learned from Margot Mifflin’s Bodies of Subversion: A Secret History of Women and Tattoo, that women who survive sexual violence increasingly choose body art as a way to reclaim our bodies - to say, basically, I own my body, still.

Now, I use eyleliner as Deliberate Beauty for these days of pandemic and perimenopause. For ancient Egyptians, eyeliner was not just to enhance appearance and it was not just for this life. Cosmetics were found in the graves of men, women, and children. artsy.net/article/artsy-…

In fact, “according to ancient Egyptian manuscripts, eye makeup was believed to have a magical role, in which the gods Horus and Ra would protect wearers against several illnesses.” nationalgeographic.com/science/articl…

I apply the colour of the day around my eyes. I admire the lines that I have learned to draw perfectly around my lids--often with a sweet little wing at the edges that is like a wink to myself--and I consider my handiwork both homage and healing.

Homage because in Egypt men and women of all social classes were wearing eyeliner as early as 6000 BC. And being a writer, I am particularly delighted that the hieroglyphic term for makeup artist derives from the root “sesh,” which translates to write or engrave.

As I hold that brush, I feel like a calligrapher, writing a letter of love to myself: “listen I love you joy is coming.”
feministgiant.com/p/deliberate-b…

Healing: the ancient Egyptian word for “makeup palette” derives from the word meaning “to protect.” My ancestors believed Kohl eyeliner protected them vs harsh sunlight or the Evil Eye; I believe the eyeliner I apply every day protects me vs harsh days of pandemic & perimenopause

The pandemic has killed at least 2.5 million people around the world so far. And we have not reckoned with the magnitude of our pain and grief. We are not prepared for the bottom of the bottomless pit of grief as we anticipate and eagerly plan to emerge into the world once more.

We need protection & healing in this time of plague. Those of us who did not die must prepare to take individual grief out & find communal mourning & nurturing & whisper to each other’s hearts “We know you’re strong. Look at what you survived. You can be soft here, we’ve got you"

Every morning as I lovingly paint around my eyelids, I am protecting myself with daily joy and building strength with my ritual of Deliberate Beauty. It connects me to a heritage extending millenia before me & which demands “Find beauty! Joy is coming!” feministgiant.com/p/deliberate-b…

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For info on eyeliners and brushes I use

https://twitter.com/monaeltahawy/status/1365693378642518019

Tell me about your #DeliberateBeauty

Eyeliner like me?

How do you build Deliberate Beauty? feministgiant.com/p/deliberate-b…

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