Those who have experienced spiritual abuse and ostracization often find it very difficult to create new and lasting friendships among Christians. It's very difficult to trust and be vulnerable with the nagging sense that there's a chance you'll have your back stabbed again.
Even when victims of spiritual abuse and toxic church cultures know in their minds that there is no reason to distrust someone, their bodies have been conditioned to recoil and brace for impact because of previous experiences. They can come off as cold or aloof.
Some go through a mental calculus in order to determine whether it is "worth it" to invest in a friendship because there are so many possibilities of PTSD, even when people are being the best-intentioned to hear their stories of spiritual abuse. Friendships have additional
hoops and barriers, depending on whether a potential friend has the basic wherewithal to understand trauma and abuse. Making friends with people who potentially may not believe your experience or who don't have the ability to empathize is incredibly difficult.
Victims of spiritual abuse also find it difficult to accept kindness from other Christians. In the past, previous kindness had strings attached, so every accepted gift was an extra albatross to wear, another "look at all we've done for you..." New kindnesses can feel like traps.
Spiritual abuse and ostracization can also greatly impact one's personality. Those who once considered themselves extraverted may now find being in the company of other Christians as no longer a source of energy and joy but of heaviness and languor. They may no longer feel "like
themselves" and may even have questions about their own identity as they try to reorient themselves, pick up the pieces, and find some semblance of normalcy for themselves. The personal narrative they've told themselves has been smashed into a million pieces.
All this to say two main things. First, if you have experienced spiritual abuse and ostracization and have difficulties making friendships that are lasting and meaningful, you're not alone, and you don't have yourself to blame. Spiritual abuse has robbed us of something we should
be able to take somewhat for granted - friendships and community in Christ. Second, if you want to minister as best as you can to victims of spiritual abuse, take the time to learn and understand where we're coming from. Don't give up on us when we seem to have no strength
to hold up our end of a friendship, and realize that our emotional disconnection is more than likely nothing personal. Healing is a long process and can feel like a yo-yo of ups and downs.
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