Some dude just said to me that prisons are full of Black men whose fathers needed to cuss them out but didn’t. A mother messaged me and said she will talk to her children however she sees fit because it’s saving their lives. And this is where I leave you.
Be very clear. Whether you call your child a bitch ass, poor ass, skinny ass mf-er...whether you tell them you will break their necks, it will not stop White supremacy from doing what it wants.
Cussing your children and threatening/enacting violence against them does not push your children to be whole and well.

It does, however, ensure that they know they have no safe places in this world.
In a world that hunts and kills Black flesh and Black spirit for sport, Black children who have been gutted in their homes learn that there is no place they can go to receive radical, transformative affirmation and love.
That doesn’t mean they don’t love their parents. That doesn’t mean they don’t understand how their parents did their best. It does mean they’re loving and understanding their parents while also trying to heal from some things their parents should have never said or done to them.
If we are to accept that parents are human and flawed, does that not mean parents can be wrong? Does that not make space for the reality that those who brought us into this world harmed us in some of their moments of deeply flawed humanity?
Many of us had/have amazing parents who love/d us. Their love lifted us. Those parents were also hurtful and their harshness seeded some insecurities we would not otherwise have. If we can talk about the love, there must be room to be honest about the pain.
Honest about it so another generation doesn’t grow up steeped in it. Accepting that our parents are human does not mean accepting that our parents will harm and violate us with their words and actions. That is a choice they do not have to make.
Raising Black children does not have to have the plantation’s imprint. Too many of us first experienced the sting of Whiteness from our parents’ Black hands and out of their Black mouths. A higher, healthier way is possible and we betray all that is holy when we say it’s not.

💕

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More from @CandiceBenbow

16 Mar
Thinking I was grown and some ride or die chick, I got into some serious trouble that, at the time, I couldn’t even tell my mama about. I wasn’t able to tell her until years later, when all the dust had settled.
The trouble I’d gotten into threatened all my hopes and possibilities for the future. I couldn’t talk to anyone in my family and I didn’t know who I could tell. My friend Kelisha and I went to the only person we could think of: her brother Vincent.
Vincent handled it. He handled all of it. He never asked questions. He didn’t give me some speech about how he was disappointed in me. He just told me to make sure I didn’t squander this opportunity and go do something with my life.
Read 8 tweets
15 Mar
Had his wife or one of his daughters recorded and released that conversation, there would be a plethora of statuses and positions about the extreme lengths Black girls and women must take to be believed about abuse and mistreatment.
Had his wife or one of his daughters recorded and released that conversation, they would be celebrated for their bravery and courage.
Had his wife or one of his daughters recorded and released that conversation, many would have taken a different position than the one they have taken.

But because he is a Black man...
Read 8 tweets
14 Mar
And be very clear: the church has made it okay for folks to operate in leadership capacities while being terrible parents.
Many of our pastors aren’t even claiming and publicly acknowledging all of their children. Some are terrors at home. Some have abysmal relationships with their children. Folks know it and don’t care.
Hell y’all got a whole bishop who literally wiped the existence of his adult daughter from his entire genealogy (because she allegedly made a mistake) and y’all still keep inviting and following him—and his family who went along with it—everywhere!
Read 10 tweets
14 Mar
Lastly, if your defense is “well he just took Kirk to a place”, then I say this in love- you need to seek help.
If your “place” is calling your child poor and a bitch ass and a mf-er, then you need to seek the professional help of someone who can help you better process your emotions, anger and frustration.
It’s 2021 and we have access to healthier modes of parenting and communication through therapy. And, if you’re in therapy, please actually do the work. The fruit of it is beautiful.
Read 5 tweets
14 Mar
Timelines are a mess right now.

I’m holding close Black children (young and old), who navigate difficult relationships with their parents for a number of reasons and aren’t given room to be honest about all of its complexities.

My space will always center them.
We love to talk about the trauma of hyper-religiosity and religious fundamentalism on Black people in theory. When we see some of the fruits of it in real time, the conversation changes.
For a project, I’ve been sitting with the people who encountered Jesus and talked through with my friends the time when a parent brought their child to Jesus and said he was possessed.
Read 10 tweets
28 Dec 20
Folks tagged me in their memories of this. 3yrs ago, @xonecole shared this snippet of my sermon, “My Lemonade Has Vodka In It” (it’s on YouTube). Though I’d gone “viral” for many things before then, the way this snippet traveled did more than I could have ever imagined.
I will not rehash where I was three years ago. I will, however, honor this a proof that the fire does not consume us. That “trusting God” is a gift we not only give to ourselves but an offering we are able to give back to God.
Three years later, I am healed and I am whole. I am thriving and I am blessed. I am also complicated and can be stubborn. I am human, living a life full of ups and downs, ebbs and flows. And it is beautiful.
Read 7 tweets

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