Thread by @EpistemicHope

When I was a teenager, I had absent minded daydreams ("fantasy" seems like too strong a word), about women, that my wife knew, gossiping about how I was such a good "catch" / partner.

Like, I wanted to be physically sexy / desirable, and also kind, caring, and devoted to her.

I wanted to be perfect and wonderful, so much so that other women were...not exactly jealous, but wondering how my wife got so lucky.

I wanted to be able to give that as a gift to my partner.

If I were to describe it today, I would say that I wanted to give her the benefits of a partner with a K-selection strategy (raw physical desirability) AND a partner with a r-selection strategy (commitment and intimacy).

Part of the "goodness" of this was a kind of fantasy thing where my choosing her was a stronger signal, because I had more options.

Like, I wanted to be hot, but not so I could sleep around.

I wanted to be hot so my wife would know that I _could_ sleep around if I wanted, but that I wanted to be with her instead.

And part of it was just wanting my partner to have the straightforward benefits of a sexy partner and good sex.

At some point along the way, I realized that that wasn't in the cards. I can become powerful, and socially esteemed, and muscular, but I can't easily change some of the relevant physical traits. I'm very short / small, and have an average sized penis, for instance.

And it bothers me somewhat that I can't give that: I don't want my partner to have to compromise.

Like, this SMBC pains me a little.

smbc-comics.com/comic/what39s-…

I don't want my partner to have to choose between r and K.

Even if anyone I would want as a partner WOULD choose r, because obviously she would prefer intimacy and communication and companionship over hot sex and being known to have a hot spouse.

But wouldn't it be BETTER if she could have both?

I don't like that I can't give her both.

(Realizing this has made me more inclined towards poly. Maybe that way she can get closer to the best of both worlds.)

And I wonder, suppose I did have more of the attributes that support the K-selection male strategy: in that counterfactual world, would I still have this attitude?

Maybe my genes are expressing a different sexual strategy on the basis of the body they find themselves in.

Maybe the Hot + Uber-committed combination that I was fantasizing about is not even possible, because as you turn up the "sexy" dial, that automatically changes the kind of soul I have and the kinds of things that I want.

ie This fantasy is an adaptive sexual strategy for a male specialized for r-selection.

This kind of romanticism is a cheap signal in this world, where fucking around is not on the table.

In a different world where it was on the table, maybe it would evaporate.

(I have some evidence against this: I've occasionally had opportunities to have sex with women that I wasn't in love with, but opted not to, for whatever that is worth.)

So I want to be careful about claiming too much about myself. Maybe this is all a sexual strategy.

But, at least, that's not what it feels like from the inside.

This line of thought was brought to mind by @Aella_Girl's thread about 50 Shades of Grey and...

https://twitter.com/Aella_Girl/status/1377521393059852290?s=20

@QiaochuYuan's thread about male sexual and non-sexual selflessness and the lack of reflection of that in the culture.

https://twitter.com/QiaochuYuan/status/1377347019702894592?s=20

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