Jason Kenney starts off the presser with his heartfelt condolences to over the families of over 2000 Albertans who died because of his incompetence.
He says there is a race between the variants and the virus and the variants are winning.

[Actually the wild type virus isn't losing either. YOU are Jason you stupid joystick.]
Jason coughs and says "spring allergies" so you don't think he was invisible over easter weekend because he had COVID. It was because he is incompetent.
Now he's saying that because people didn't listen to him last time he wagged his finger he has to do some things he said wouldn't bring the numbers down last time so that he can bring the numbers down and we are dizzy with his stupid logic.
We are going back to Step 1.
No dining in, retail limited to 15%, closing libraries but you can go to the gym 1 on 1 because we don't know why

and also some new information: we can only do this together
There will be some inadequate business supports that they will announce in due course
Jason says "We have to stick to our guns for just a few weeks more so we can have the best summer ever."

yah he said best summer ever
Jason says Alberta has the best vaccine program in the country. Remember they did 8000 doses on Saturday? Maybe Ontario did like 16 or something.
He says he wants to "vanquish" the virus. Totally a prayer day thing to say.
He's talking about maybe the Calgary Stampede is possible....speaking in tongues...also a prayer day thing.
Phase 2B got expanded to age 16+ with underlying conditions. They are giving AZ vaccine available to 55-64 year olds now.

Walk in vaccination appts at pharmacies since everything there is going so well.
Vaccination is the finish line we all need to shoot for says Jason. Awesome. He'll be gone before 2023.
Jason says announcements like today disrupt people's lives and he knows everyone is tired of this [him].

And then he says people shouldn't be polarized and "how about we find some unity?"

Jason Kenney doesn't like divisiveness. Serious.
Now Shandy arrives camouflaged in a purple tie and purple background.
Restaurants, bars, pubs closed.
Only 1:1 lessons or 1 trainer:1 family. No drop ins.
No indoor group activities.
You can still go outside in groups of less than 10 to enjoy the best summer ever™️.
No performance activities for adults like dance, theatre, singing, or rage crying on drivings.
Only one youth group at a time can be on playing surfaces like arenas or fields and they must start all games with the lord's prayer and recitations of Jordan Peterson's 12 rules for life
Churches stay open for gods sake
Shandy firmly believes something something but we don't care what it is because he is an idiot.
Now Dr. Hinshaw comes on and says she knows that there were concerns over the weekend when she didn't tell us things about the P1 outbreak and says it really wasn't a big deal because it's only a small part of how fucked we are.
Hospitalizations, positivity, ICU all have increased sharply. "Variants are a new challenge we can't ignore [like we did before]."
"We know these measures [that I said wouldn't work last week] do work."

If we don't do this now Jason can't have his best summer ever. [Is it just us or is this best summer ever shit sounding like Jason got a sweet swipe right?]
Jason thinks by the end of May half of Albertans will have some immunity [after talking about "natural immunity" from high rates of infection in Texas....you're seeing what his plan is here?]
David Staples: "We are seeing pastors and libertarians pushing civil disobedience. What do you say to them?"

Jason: "I say your actions have consequences. None of which will come from me."
"I understand profoundly your concerns. You are right to raise them. I love freedom too"
Jason says "I've been wrestling" and we have to take a break to barf right now.
Carrie Tate asks "I'm confused about the reopening plan" [everybody is] "and you talked about a committee making decisions. So, what? You're not looking at hospitalizations anymore?"

Jason: "No cuz those are going to go way up so we're going to look at vaccine numbers instead."
Follow up: "If you wanted rural people to believe what you're saying about COVID, why would you hide the P1 outbreaks in rural areas."

Hinshaw defends the weekend P1 outbreak secret again saying it was small and says some stuff about confidentiality that is not true.
Jason jumps back to Staples question to change the subject cuz everybody knows the P1 secret was a gross move. So he pretends he understands epidemiology and we think that's gross too.
660 news: "You said last week that the measures in place were enough. Is this an admission that you were wrong and you should have done this before easter weekend?"

Jason: "No. It's everybody else's fault for not following the "rules" but I don't blame them."

Our follow up: 🖕
Jason then says people who go to bars shouldn't walk around which makes us really excited about his idea of The Best Summer Ever™️
Fort McMurray Today: "Hey so you've had a year. What mistakes has your government made?"

Jason: "Yah we shouldn't have separated essential and non-essential businesses [and basically let everybody die]."

Then he says we shouldn't have closed heroin replacement programs.
Jason says he wishes the virus operated in a simple predictable way.

COVID says "uh...."
Jason is concerned about low uptake of vaccines which is so cool because it means that he's finished blaming Trudeau about the supply.

He says you can't convince anti-vaxxers of anything and he knows that because they're still not convinced after all this time that he's evil.
Question: "What are you going to do about pharmacies having people on wait lists when there's 300000 doses sitting in fridges?"

Jay and Shandy: "Well we got the doses too early! We wanted them to come later! Trudeau has to be worse!"
Question: "Did the P1 come from a ski vacation from Whistler?"

Hinshaw: "Some have.
Final question for Jason en francais because he still thinks he has a chance in federal politics after all this.

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