Thread by @erikaheidewald

I just realized why I dress the way I do, and why I couldn’t explain how me dressing in “girl” clothes doesn’t mean identifying with femininity inside. to me it feels like drag. i have fun pretending to be a girl. i can also enjoy small talk because pretending to be normal is fun

https://twitter.com/shaenongarrity/status/1379643699496316930

I really connected to that scene in Paris Is Burning - they also dress up like suburban dads and I completely got exactly why that is fun, and why that’s a fantasy.

At home hanging out I wear sweatpants and sweatshirts, I don’t do my hair, I barely remember I have it. So when I get ready because I’m leaving the house or filming a video, I put my girl suit on, and I enjoy it because it’s all self-expression and fantasy. fantasy is expression

I can enjoy masking for short periods of time because I know the social scripts and it can be fun to do them. I am pretending I’m normal and nobody can tell! It’s getting to step into a different life. But I will NOT do it AT ALL in *my* life, where i am being myself.

and i get angry when people think that the girl suit i have on says anything about who i am inside. that’s when i want to throw off my heels and say, “I’m still a man, you bitch” and beat the shit out of them exactly the way they assume i can’t.

but the world is a reductive place and all people see is you are AFAB and you wear clothes traditionally associated with femininity, then you are a woman. if you say you’re not, you’re lying or too afraid to appear less feminine. but all that assumes we DO feel female inside.

i don’t feel female inside at all, so wearing girl clothes is always by definition doing drag. i like doing drag. it’s fun. but that’s what it is, it’s not some kind of proof i’m actually a girl. and that’s why i want to look this way but not have people make assumptions off it

ah i’m excited to finally have figured this out, as i’ve never really been able to explain this part of my relationship to gender and masking before but now i will be able to!

also people probably don’t realize that my roommate has picked out most of my outfits for the past five years 😂 i let her dress me up as a girl, it is fun. when i pick out my own outfits it always becomes some kind of costume

this is me dressing myself

this is my best friend dressing me

this is an outfit she bought me to wear at home vs how i dress myself at home 😂 i have no idea how to make myself look like a girl, if i ever look like a normal girl, i didn’t pick out my own clothes