bro i have been dissociating all day and straight up NOT having a good time and i started being mean to ableists online and i feel so much better. my brain fog has lifted for the first time all fucking day
i don’t know how to explain this but my brain literally cannot function if i don’t say what i think. if i try to be polite to people who don’t deserve it, if i stay quiet when people are shitty, it breaks my motherfucking brain. i dissociate, have panic attacks, & meltdowns
the thousands of incessant tiny misogynistic and ableist swipes people make at me online fuck with my brain subconsciously even when consciously i’m not upset about them. it interferes with my ability to think and my ability to think is the thing that makes me feel like myself
the thing is i am really good at not taking my feelings out on the wrong people. i am not going to be mean to you bc someone else was mean to me. but i MUST respond honestly to them. the expectations of politeness put on me are not survivable. i can’t do them.
i guess it’s just the cognitive overwhelm of masking and that’s the area where my brain simply cannot take it. i can’t let people be rude to me, can’t let them take their trauma out on me, can’t let ableists feel good about themselves wrapped up in their little cocoon of bullshit
most people are nonconfrontational so they can’t understand this about me. many, many times i’ve been in public and there’s a guy harassing women and i want to go kick him out and people keep telling me it’s ok,
i don’t have to. but i have to. i have to yell at him or i will die
ok i won’t die, but it fucking feels like it. i can’t be a normal person until i do it. i can’t talk, hang out, be polite, have fun, not until that problem is fixed. i just want people to not be scared or think of me as a monster so i need them to let me go fix it
people gotta stop being mad at me all the time for talking how i talk and stop trying to change me and make me more palatable. i can’t do that. the only thing you can do is not be around me, which is super easy! mute or block me! if you need that, it’s your responsibility to do!
now of course, i know. people aren’t going to stop being shitty to me just bc it traumatizes me. so i guess this is just my final announcement and warning. if you’re shitty to me, i will be mean to you, and i can be so much meaner than you can be. you don’t want to find out.
i can’t handle people taking everything i say personally & being shitty to me about it bc their feelings got hurt by their own damn minds. i know you’re sensitive and traumatized but i am not the bearer of your feelings. you have one hurt feeling. this is every moment of my life
i think in theory and systems. it’s all i really care to think and talk about most of the time. i don’t like to think or talk about individual people except to figure out the ideas and systems they run on and are part of (unless they’re people i love)
when people take what i say personally or think i have something against them personally i honestly don’t even get it. i don’t know you. why would i have personal animosity towards you? all i know is what you said and what pattern it fits into.
when someone’s personal experience doesn’t fit into a theory or system i’m talking about, sometimes they’ll tell me i am invalidating their lived experience. this is annoying, bc that phrase has a meaning and a purpose, and that isn’t it. social constructs =/= lived experience
i don’t understand when i became some supernatural deity with the power to invalidate people’s lived experiences. i can’t do that. i don’t have that power over you & i don’t want it. your lived experience is yours. no generalization will apply to everyone, life is too complicated
when people take things i say that they don’t immediately see themselves reflected in and start going on a spiral of “i’m worthless and everything about me is wrong” - whoa dude. i did not do that to you. you cannot take that out on me. it’s not ok. that is yours to work on.
i know most people aren’t like me and i don’t need or want them to be. but god damn everyone wants to force me to be like them and it’s been genuinely harming my brain so i’m not going to be polite about it anymore. i am the person i am. i’m an adult. i like myself. that’s it.

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More from @erikaheidewald

9 Apr
I was a very existential kid so I don’t remember a time before this & it’s been the biggest struggle of my life. eventually i found a few ideas and ways of thinking that helped me - they’re very specific to me but if any of it helps anyone feeling this way, they’re worth sharing
If nothing matters, then everything matters. it’s the same thing. Every moment of joy for me or someone else matters. every moment I learn something and I like it, that matters. Every time I help someone, that matters. It doesn’t have to go anywhere. I’m detached from the results
there really are no rules. I do not have to listen to ideas I don’t respect and people I don’t respect. This is my one life and I will not let it be limited by people who think the rules of this society mean something. how I feel and what I think about myself are always up to me.
Read 31 tweets
9 Apr
It has been distressing me how many people think you can only believe in one framework for understanding an issue - if you believe in one, that means you think it is the only framework necessary. This is deeply incorrect & I want to help you break out of that way of thinking.
This might verge on patronizing, I don’t know, and if so I’m sorry, but critical thinking skills are *skills* that must be taught and practiced and it doesn’t make you stupid if you’re not good at it - it means your education system failed you. You can get this if you want to.
A theoretical framework or model is one way to look at data, categorize it, and derive meaning from it. It is a social construct. The data is not. In the context of autism - autism is a social construct, autistic people are not. Autism is a way to describe what we have in common.
Read 23 tweets
9 Apr
i remember when i was in high school and i very much wanted a diagnosis to describe what was going on with me because without it, that meant everyone was going through what i was going through and i was just worse at handling it and i KNEW that wasn’t true. i needed to prove it.
the problem is we’ve given people only one option besides erasure - diagnosis. there’s only one “get out of conformity free” card and it’s that biologically, medically, you are incapable of doing so, and you have had that affirmed by an authority trusted by the ruling class
THIS IS SUCH A FALSE FUCKING BINARY. the answer isn’t to play their ableist, classist, racist, misogynistic, transphobic, deeply cruel game. we need to refuse to play and start validating and recognizing each other without an authority telling us we have to.
Read 7 tweets
9 Apr
pretty sure this system just sucks and instead of fixing it we pathologize people for the misery it puts us through
i know this society is very resistant to admitting that anxiety and depression might ever be happening for a reason but feeling the immensity of how much the world sucks and that most people don’t give a shit has definitely always played a big part in my depression
i know society has trained everyone to be reactionary, binary thinkers (gee, wonder why) but the fact that external factors might have something to do with depression doesn’t make depression not real. you don’t need a context-free chemical imbalance to be valid
Read 6 tweets
8 Apr
something a lot of neurodivergent people would do well to remember is that not everyone can thrive in this society even with accommodations, & not everyone can live in their brain if they hate it. it’s not a coincidence that most people i see opposed to the social model are white
the specific kind of opposition i’m talking about is white people who see any argument in favor of the social model of disability and any argument for systemic change and shout it down or dismiss it as toxic positivity. systemic change is needed to end white supremacy.
white supremacy is inextricably tied to ableism. ableism is the justification for other kinds of oppression like racism, misogyny, and classism. calling people incapable and inferior makes oppression look natural and unavoidable. do not mock the need for systemic change.
Read 22 tweets
8 Apr
if we really wanna have some fun let’s talk about how fucking traumatizing gym class can be for neurodivergent kids 🙃 i think gym class is a secret neurotypical plan to break the young neurodivergent spirit. make it illegal
the most pitiful moment of my high school experience might have been when we had to do a skills test in volleyball that involved setting the ball off the wall four times in a row. i could not do this and kept sending balls flying around the gym as i begged them to let me stop
people kept telling me that eventually i’d find the sport i was good at so i tried every single sport & i can confidently report back that i am bad at every single sport. i don’t think my body was designed with any physical skills in mind. maybe it’s made for hibernating
Read 4 tweets

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