Thread by @Helenreflects

OMG I am having an absolute blast listening to Chris Voss, former hostage negotiator, talk about how to negotiate. I have no idea if these techniques work but my God it is so entertaining. My next negotiation (and we negotiate so frequently), I am going all in!

For posterity, I'm going to put some tips by this hostage negotiator in a thread.
Tip #1: Negotiation is about building trust and establishing a relationship. It is counterproductive to go in with a bottom line. Much better to establish relationship & see what can be achieved 2/

(side note: I find it so interesting to have a hostage negotiator of all people advocate for non-zero sum negotiation tactics. This makes me think that zero-sum or not really is an attitude, not so much driven by circumstance as we think) 3/

Tip #2: Mirroring. How to get your opponent to talk. Just repeat the last three words back to them, in a question. Incredibly effective (so Voss).
E.g., "I'm really scared right now!"
- "You're really scared right now?"
- "Yeah I'm worried about..."
and you learn more & more 4/

Rationale: people don't like silence. They'll just talk when you mirror at them.
Tip #3: Labelling. When someone says something a bit incoherent or emotionally laden, label that emotion
"You sound pretty scared to me"
Or "You seem like a caring person" 5/

Rationale: apparently, labeling negative emotions help people feel less negative. Don't however center yourself
so not "What I'm hearing is you're angry with me"
but "You sound pretty upset about this".
Always center the other to establish trust. 6/

Weirdly, while labeling negative emotions decreases their power, labeling positive emotions/ideas reinforces them e.g.
"Seems like driving this new car really made you feel happy!" (makes potential customer even happier.
I find this counterintuitive. Will need to try it! 7/

Labeling and mirroring together do wonders when talking to someone who is hostile and confused. You get people to talk, you de-escalate, and you don't have to give anything away about yourself. You let them do all the talking & gather crucial info 8/

Tip #4 delivery. This I found incredibly interesting and is hard to do in a series of tweet. You need to hear it. How you say things is really important. You can have a light, happy humorous voice
"The product costs 35,000 dollars" -- it really matters how you say it 9/

If you say this in a deadpan voice it will make people feel antagonistic or unhappy, but delivered in a light, happy, slightly humorous way says: okay, this may seem like a lot but I want to keep talking with you (I wonder how gender features into all of this, and power etc) 10/

Then there is what Voss calls "late night DJ voice", a soothing, slow voice that you use to de-escalate. You use this when your opponent gets nervous, it makes them relax and more willing to talk 11/

For really non-movable, non-negotiable things you use your "analytic voice", e.g., "Okay, here is what you will do. You will come out slowly, with your hands above your head". The end of the sentence should go down (no vocal upturn). You say it slowly. Use this very sparing 12/

Another thing to note: if your opponent uses "us" "we", "our hands are tied" etc, a lot of plural first-person they tend to be the ones deciding. But if they use a lot of "I", "me" etc. they are not that important and you are wasting time if you think they have decision power 13/

This is something I know to be correct: people in positions of powerlessness use the first-person pronoun a lot, people who have power use "we" "us" in part to make it more difficult for you to get them to move their position (hence: our hands are tied-they usually aren't) 14/

(will add to this as course goes on. I often need to negotiate and so I find this a useful skillset to learn!)

BTW here is an intriguing study confirming Voss that pronouns reflect relative hierarchy. Done with military people: "people with higher status consistently used fewer 1st-person singular, and more 1st person plural and 2nd-person singular pronouns"
journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.117…

Following with Chris Voss, hostage negotiator tips
#5: Body language. Truth telling is more important than lying because there are so many ways someone can lie but only a few ways to tell the truth. So it's important to start with low-stakes questions that establish truth 15/

Trust your gut. There are many tips on how to detect lying but--assuming neurotypical cognition I think--generally if your gut tells you someone is lying or is worried about you thinking they're lying (note: this is not the same thing cf. Othello) then it's usually the case 16/

#6 Really cool tip: Forcing empathy. This is where advanced negotiating tactics feel almost like magic.
You cannot rely on your opponent to feel empathy with you, you need to force it. How? 17/

A good stock question "How am I supposed to do that?" he talks about a vendor he advised, who kept on getting more work without being paid. He advised just tell them "How am I supposed to do that?" - force them to see your point of view 18/

It turns out they were internally a mess. The person who paid freelancers had changed, the new one messed up. Her asking "How am I supposed to do that" [new work when I kept on not being paid] forced them to see her point of view, and she was paid 19/

Tip #7 Creating the illusion of control: Your negotiating partner will be more collaborative if they feel the illusion they are under control. I already knew that but here are some practical tips of how to actually achieve this 20/

Ask "how" and "what" questions, not "why" questions.
Not: "Why can't you give me the startup funds"
but "What prevents you from giving me the startup funds I need to make this joint venture a success?" 21/

The rationale: why questions elicit defensiveness, which you want to avoid. (e.g., people have been asked, since age two "Why did you drop that vase?")--it sounds accusing.
How or what questions elicit a sense of cooperation and trying to solve a problem together. 22/