How do we talk things that are hard to talk about? Some musings.
I imagine that if I were a man, I would be upset about the way women and non-binary folks are treated in the workplace. I imagine I would want to speak up—that’s how I’m wired. But I might not know what to say.
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I imagine that if I were a man, I would be upset about the way women and non-binary folks are treated in the workplace. I imagine I would want to speak up—that’s how I’m wired. But I might not know what to say.
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Being the type of person I am, I would probably read books such as She Said or Good and Mad to try to understand. And then I might start speaking up.
But what if someone tells me I’m speaking up in the wrong way?
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But what if someone tells me I’m speaking up in the wrong way?
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No, you shouldn’t MENTOR that woman, you should SPONSOR her! It’s not MATERNITY leave, it’s PARENTAL leave! You’re not babysitting your children, you’re taking care of them! They’re YOUR kids!
I would learn, sure. But I also might start to shy away from the conversation.
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I would learn, sure. But I also might start to shy away from the conversation.
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At our core, we are all self-protective. We are all selfish. To some extent, that’s what it takes to survive. In order to advocate for others, though, we have to step out of that space. We have to step out, even if only a tiny bit, onto a limb.
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If we take a step and the limb supports our weight, we keep going. We take another step. We keeping speaking out. But if the limb starts to break as we step out, we retract our feet and go back to the safety of the trunk of the tree.
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When we criticize people who are trying to help, it feels to them like the limb is starting to break. Here is the struggle: How do we appreciate people who are trying to stand up as allies AND gently redirect them if they are on the wrong path?
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The reason I ask is that I see people who try to be supportive in the background, offline, outside the meetings and off social media. But these folks don’t speak up publicly, don’t question policies and procedures because they are worried they will say the wrong words.
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Here’s another example. Someone cuts off a woman during a meeting, and a man tries to redirect the conversation back to her. Some might say he’s overstepping because she can speak for herself. Is it paternalistic for him to advocate for her?
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I don’t think so. I think that is exactly the type of behavior we need to see. But because there is more risk in speaking than there is in staying quiet, people stay quiet.
I worry the fear of getting it wrong is holding us back.
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I worry the fear of getting it wrong is holding us back.
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So my take is that if we want to build a bold, lasting movement for real change, whatever the topic, we need to support the limb as people step out onto it. We need to help them stand up, rather than taking the support out from under them.
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I know intent is not the same as impact, and we all make mistakes. All I’m saying is that, whenever possible, if we focus on gentle correction and redirection we may be more successful than by tearing people down when they err.
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What are your thoughts? Are there things you care about but don’t speak out about? Why? What would make it feel safer for you to speak up?
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